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And my week just keeps sucking

Posted by Strytho, 01 December 2016 · 52 views

 

This is my theme song right now because it is kinda where my mind and mood are at at this current time. For the first time all day the torrent of thoughts and emotions inside me is finally calm. I am not quite at peace yet but I will be soon when I go to sleep. I have had a rough week between my coworkers at work, being sick, my doubts, and now back again with my bpd mother. But for now I am finally at a calm in the raging storm and I feel a little stronger.

 

Before I start on what happened let me be clear. I love my mother despite how messed up she is and I have tried everything to patch things up but she always tears things down. I have gone down the road of, "What if it's me? Play devil's advocate!" I have been down this road countless times and it always comes back to, "No, you have done everything possible. You have tried even the unreasonable to make things better but even that cannot fix the mess that lies before you. Your best option is to cut the wheat from the chaff and never look back." I know that she is my mother but still, I know to do what is best for me because I have obligations and I CANNOT let them fall on everyone else. My burden is financial and I'm honestly afraid that she will add so much stress that it will collapse on top of me. If that were to happen, this burden would spread to several other people and it would be up to them to cover a cost that would be too high for them to pay. That is what I have constantly weighing over my shoulders every day. I'm not willing to elaborate further on this. Now, I am reliant on others to get to work because I do not have a car or a driver's licence. I lam working on the license, but the law states that I need someone at least 21 or older in order to teach me. My father is currently the only person in my life who can do this and the missouri driver's school is upwards of $90 an hour. I am required by law to have at least 40 hour of driving and at least 10 of those hours have to be night driving. I have about 23 hours day driving and 1 hour night so I'm getting there. The problem is that my dad works and is very busy so it can be hard to get a lesson in. My mother is so lacking in worldly knowledge that I can't trust her to teach me, plus she is to fragile to handle my driving. So I can't move out or advance at my job until I can drive. Now here is where it's getting hairy right now. My mother is taking at least one new medication and has failed to properly inform anyone about it, what it is, what are the side effects, and what she can and cannot do while on it. It is starting to get down to 0 degrees celsius or 32 degrees F here and I'd basically have to walk about 3 miles one way to work. I can't do that at night because there are too many dark areas where something can happen. Her response to that? "Oh you're a man, you can take it! You need to man up and deal with it!" This is the same woman who told me that if I ever needed a ride she would do it for me because I am her son and she loves me. I live with my parents but the thing is that I help with groceries, house work, taking care of the pets, and other things So I don't live there for free. I am now worried that my mother will put me in a situation where I have to lose my job because of her. The following is an example of why.

 

Today I had a 2 pm appointment at the walmart vision center to get an eye exam and a new pair of glasses so that I can see. I was ready to and as usual I was having a hard time getting her butt of the couch. To be clear, she does nothing all day but sleep where ever she feels like it and watch tv on the couch, that's it. I start getting her up at noon because I need to be there by 1:30 to fill out new patient paperwork. I'm taking care of the family dog that she said she'd help with but is to weak to do so. It's now 12:53 and she comes and tells me that one of her new medicines is making her too dizzy and that she can't drive. She needs to go back to bed and sleep and that I need to reschedule. She said the night before that she'd be fine and that she could take me and I confirmed the appointment after that. I scramble to try to see if I can get another ride while she keeps nagging me about what I should do. I get mad and basically tell her that she needs to leave it alone. I call around for 10 minutes and get nothing. The tuth is if she had just told me 30 minutes sooner, I could have walked to and from and there wouldn't have been any problem. I wouldn't have even been mad at her. She waited until last minute because when she said that it was 20 minutes until we were supposed to leave. Again she badgers me about 5 more times. Finally I yell at her 3 times to leave me alone and she does after the third time, but not before she shoots back several snide comments. I'm able to reschedule the appointment to the 8th without a penalty thank arceus! Then she bugs me about whether or not I had to pay a penalty. At that point I go to my room, contact a friend, and she invites me over to talk. Ottum, I love you so much for all the support you give me and with your second child on the way none the less! I get my stuff and I'm heading out the door. My mother is on the couch watching tv instead of doing what she needs to do, just like she always does. She notices me and gets on me about how I need to stay home and take care of the dog and help her and how I need to tell her and my dad what I'm doing and make sure it's okay with him. Patak! I'm over 18, I can do what I want, when I want, with or without ANYONE'S permission! It's no different from when I go to work. I leave and rant and rave to myself the whole mile and a half to her house. I talk with her and I felt a heck of a lot better. I ended up buying pizza for dinner for the family and coming home after 5pm, I left at about 1:30. On the way to get the pizzas, my dad and I vent openly about my mom and we are both for the most part on the same page. I come home, we all eat and then my sister and I clean part of the house. My mom was "nagging (to put it nicely)" at my sister the whole time. Finally my sister starts getting onto her about how she's not doing anything and that she needs to grow up and get over herself in a nutshell. My mom demands her to stop and my sister continues the same way my mother does with all of us. I really hate to say this but I actually enjoyed see this because she got to have a taste of her own medicine. I know that is sad, sick and twisted, but for the hell she has put us all through, it is only human nature. The truth about me is this: I am normally and by nature a nice, kind caring, easygoing, and loving person. But if you push me too far for too long, I turn into a vindictive, tyranical jerk who WILL make you pay for putting me through hell. It's a fatal flaw that I inherited from my mother's side of the family.

 

Now, this kinda thing is an every day occurrence in the house, sometimes in front of a small child. And it gets better from there.

 

My mother was a registered medical assistant but her cert. ran out about 6 years ago and she at this point can't renew it. Her job was basically to take vitals, clean rooms and instruments, take down patient information, and occasionally give shots. She tries to give us medial advise like she's a friggin' doctor and claims she's knows stuff because she IS a registered medical assistant. I'm sorry but WHEN did you last take any classes on medicine or renew your cert? Oh right, you never did that at ANY point in time. These certs only last 10 years in my state. On top of this she never follows the directions or advice of her doctors and will lie to them if we aren't in the room with her. She also wants to tell each and every one of us how to do something for her and how to do it step by step on a case by case basis. She wants to tell us how to live our lives but she never wants to do anything herself and never wants to do anything she should do. For example she knows she needs to sleep, but she won't go to bed until long after she falls asleep standing up! Her health is going down hill. She is diabetic but she eats a diet high in carbs and low in everything else AND, doe not check her blood sugar period! She watches nothing but idealistic 80s and 90s reruns on tv and that drives us crazy. She is looking for this magic bullet to come along and fix her problems while looking for someone to come and rescue her from her problems. Yet she nevers wants to work to make things better. If she has a problem, she likes to blame everyone else for it and never takes responsiblity.

 

I've had to deal with this on a daily basis for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I took her side because I was too young and naive to understand what was really going on. This is my hell guys and between work and home I don't get too much time away from it. This is part of the reason why my ts is still so active, I still have all this stress and there is currently not much I can do about it. I hope this really clears the picture about me for you guys. Venting like this right now has really helped it and yes I am going to be showing this to my doctor. This entry was slightly edited stream of conscientiousness so it's going to be a little messy, sorry about that.

 

This kinda stress often happens to people with TS and for us the longer it build the worse it gets because it can eat at us and tear us down over time.

 

Thank you guys for listening and I hope that you can gleam something from all of this. I... I don't want what I'm going through to be for nothing towards helping others. We all have our struggles, conflict makes a person stronger. But too much conflict is worse than none. Remember that.





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