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Fanfiction: The Headless Luxio

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by FireLucario, Jan 17, 2017.

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  1. FireLucario

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    Author's note: This is just a short prologue to this story involving a Luxio who has lost his head, and a female who shows interest in having him grow as a person and become more social and likable to the residents of his town, Mau City. As I post more chapters, you'll learn more about each main character. The next chapter will introduce the main characters and then we'll learn why the town doesn't like our male protag. I haven't written a story in a while so this story is to help knock some of that rust off in preparation for future stories.
    -*-*-*-
    The Headless Luxio
    Prologue - The Show that Started it All
    -*-*-*-
    It was March 10th, 2016 and a magician and his crew had come to Mau City for a week-long magic show. On the first day of the show, March 8th, an anthro Luxio male named Xiko had been attending inside the auditorium hall at town square. The magician, a shiny Lucario, had shown many tricks that Xiko found unappealing. However...at the end of that day's show, he announced that one audience member would lose their head in a special magic trick on the 10th.

    Now that today is the tenth of March and the show is almost over, the magician had a comfortable chair on stage for the chosen audience member. "All right, it's time for my head removal trick!" The Lucario said with a smile. "One lucky member is going to experience a new way of life in a way thought impossible! So, our winner is..." He went silent and scanned the audience for the one he wanted. It couldn't be just anyone...he noticed the Luxio who was bored during the three days his crew was here. The Luxio wore a shirt that was black with white stripes on the edges of his sleeves and the shirt read 'Make me believe in magic' in red letters. The Luxio also had a pair of blue jeans on and red fingerless gloves with a black lightning bolt on the back of each glove. Yes...this one will do nicely.

    "All right. You, in the black, white, and red, I'll give you a reason to see magic." He points to Xiko who shrugs and gets up, walking onstage with a bored expression.

    "Let's get this over with. Magic is nothing but cheap tricks." He sits on the on-stage chair and that's when the Lucario grins. He makes his wand glow and rub it against his neck in a straight line.

    "Kid, you'd best change your attitude. I know the town seems unhappy with you for whatever reason so here's hoping THIS will make you appreciate people more!" The Lucario then made Xiko's head float, separated from his body.

    "Huh...? W-wha...?" This feeling felt...very strange. It was like his head is attached but not at the same time. He can't really move his head and he was starting to have a fairly nervous expression on his face. "W-what in Arceus' name are you doing to me?!" He started to yell before his head was dropped onto the ground.

    "Ouch!" Xiko yelled before realizing he was literally beheaded...but there was no blood. He felt the top of his neck but all he could feel was fur where his head used to be. "Uh...h-hey, what did you--" Before he could answer, the Lucario picked up the Luxio's head and tossed it off stage, bowing as the show is over.

    Xiko's head landed in the maintenance room and his body, once the show was over, was in there searching for it. A purple and black anthro Zorua girl watched the headless body search for his head and she wanted him to grab it...she felt like she should bring him to her club now that he's a headless Pokémon...
     
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  2. Fidchell

    Fidchell Souls of Fire

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    This is intriguing. I can guess there's going to be a lot of hijinks involving the luxio losing his head and jumping across hurdles to get it back.

    The only thing that bugged me here was that there was not enough describing of the scene after the luxio was beheaded. I feel it would have given a better impact if you showed the audience's reaction to the lucario's trick. Surely some would not have believed him to be able to pull it off, but the lucario proving he is able would have warranted some sort of shocked response.
     
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  3. FireLucario

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    That's true, I didn't exactly think that through. What I'll do is tomorrow, add a couple extra lines of text to help out the prologue before working on the first chapter.

    As I said, I am very rusty so feedback and constructive critisism will be extremely important to helping this story succeed.
     
  4. FireLucario

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    [SIZE=14.6667px]-*-*-*-[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14.6667px]Chapter 1[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14.6667px]The Zorua[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14.6667px]-*-*-*-[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14.6667px]The purple and black Zorua was watching the headless body of Xiko search for his head while he groans and mutters threats that don't seem audible enough to overhear. His head seemed to be really missing in the mess of this maintenance room so she decides to speak up. "Ummm...hey! It looks like you could use a helping hand!" She said with a small smile that he can't see.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"Huh?" His body froze from the voice from a second before he growls. "Are you with that Lucario? I'll knock you out if you are!" He seems to be very hostile right now, to which the Zorua can somewhat understand.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"No, I have no relation with him." She replied truthfully with a shake of her head. "I'm Rosie. I just want to help you look for your head in this mess of a room."[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]He went silent for a minute before sighing. "Fine, do what you want, I don't care. Just give me back my head if you find it and do not run off with it!" His body then continues to look for his head. Rosie joins in and searches the far corners of the room where she saw his head under a boiler, but the boiler is high enough off the ground to prevent causing pain to him.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"Oh boy...I found your head and it's in a bad spot." She sighs, looking at his shiny grey eyes. "Okay, let me try to..." She mutters as she goes under the boiler and grabs his head. Her tail and ears touch the boiler while getting out and causes her to let out a shriek in pain, bringing his head out from under the boiler and causing her to tear up a little at the pain. "Ouch...my fur..." She whimpers.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"That's nice, now can you bring my head back to my body?" Xiko said with a bored expression on his face. He didn't seem to really care at all about the pain Rosie was in![/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"Hmph...you're mean." She mutters as she picks up his head and looks for his body, which was waiting at the door. When Rosie got close enough, Xiko snatches his head from her hands.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"Hmph. Thanks, but you should get going now." He tries to get her to leave him alone. However, she closes the door before he can push her out.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"Not before you tell me what is with your attitude? It sucks!" She seemed like she wasn't going to move until she got an answer, but Xiko turns his back to her, not caring.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"I don't need anyone. Look, I'm glad that you helped me find my head, but you don't know me and I'm not going to let anyone know me."[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]Rosie raised an eyebrow. "Oh, tough guy, huh? Well...I have a dare for you."[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"I don't care." Xiko interrupted.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]"If you don't accept, I'll tell everyone that you burned a poor, innocent girl." She said with a frown, acting dramatically.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]Xiko's ears perk up when she says this and he turns around, looking very upset. "You wouldn't dare."[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]Rosie then smirks and crosses her arms. "What's it going to be then? Are you gonna do what I say or no?"[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]He growls and crosses his arms. "Fine, what in Arceus' name do you want me to do? I'm not about to be seen as a...monster."[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]She takes a card from her pocket and gives it to him. "Come to my club at this address here. I'll let you meet a few people and help you out with your headless situation...this is for your sake." She said as Xiko takes the card. She then opens the door. "4PM tomorrow, don't be late." She smiles at him before leaving Xiko looking at the doorway, shocked that a young girl like Rosie just blackmailed him into doing something he doesn't want to do tomorrow.[/SIZE]
     
  5. Fidchell

    Fidchell Souls of Fire

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    If you don't mind some critique, you should be careful not to mix up past and present tense, as this can confuse and annoy the reader. For example "His head seemed to be really missing in the mess of this maintenance room so she decides to speak up." If you'll see what I highlighted there, that's an example of what I'm talkin about.

    Also, I find it kinda strange the zorua is not utterly shocked from seeing a headless anthro Pokémon walking about looking for his head, but maybe there's a reason for that? I guess we'll have to see. :]
     
  6. FireLucario

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    Ah, I did not notice that until now, thank you for the info, I'll get that fixed up soon enough.

    Also, there is indeed a reason, and it will be known soon. I'm not going to say it now because spoilers. XD
     
  7. Weedle Enthusiast

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    This is an interesting premise for a story. I think the phrasing could use a little work. I can read it, and I know what you are trying to say, but the words don't flow together as they should (one repeated mistake is the word "really" being put in the wrong place. Like in the burned head part, it should say, "He really didn't..." or "He didn't really seem" instead of, "...seem to really care..." While that can be correct in certain contexts/sentences, that is more for accusing statements or sarcasm). And then as Fidchell mentioned, you keep switching tenses in the sentence (I still mess that up myself occasionally). Other than those things, I have enjoyed what is posted here so far
     
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  8. FireLucario

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    Yeah, I want to work on what you've addressed but other than those flaws due to how rusty I am, it's good to know that you enjoy the story so far. I'll fix up the first chapter before I start the second, and I'll try to address these issues before I post for the second chapter.
     

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