A Feeling I can't Shake

This story was something I needed to direly write about. It's not anything fictional, it's not intended to entertain: it's merely something for me to throw my feelings into. It's been what, 2, 3 years now?

That's when this story ended. But before we get to an ending, we need to know some sort of beginning.

I'll put it frankly, back in secondary school (or middle school, if you want, the one you spend most of your teens in) I was bullied a lot. Retrospectively, I'd probably sum it up to the fact that I'm Autistic, and back then that made me a very easy target, cause I was very much mistaken on things, and never knew when somebody may have been joking, or were serious. It all got very much for me.

But there was a safe haven for me: the school library. There, not only did I escape the people, I had authority: I was one of the ones that looked after it, and that little glimmer always made me feel like, for every lunch and break time, that I wasn't a nobody, that I did deserve to live. Yes, during those years my mind turned to dark thoughts... Recounting them nowadays makes me shudder.

Anyways, the Library was my place, my home in that school. And there is where I met one of my oldest friends. And much to my surprise, this person would be a girl. Now I know it's common place for a boy to be friendly with a girl, and that to be that, but I always felt incredibly awkward around girls. I've never had any interest in them, but I always worried they'd get the wrong idea: I've never wanted to hurt a human heart, not even those of my bullies.

I won't mention her name, for personal reasons, but she was pretty much me in girl shape: she wasn't super beautiful, she wore glasses, she adored Pokémon, and generally liked a bit of messing. And for some reason, I didn't feel awkward around her. I felt comfortable, like as though she was my sister. Her being there was enough to help me through the crud going on in my life, because she was one person that actually did like me for who I was. It wasn't a lovey-dovey relationship or anything, but it was certainly close.

I still remember the last days we had together in the Library.

She was coming to her years end: she was a year above me. Her classes were getting rapped up, and she was preparing for her upcoming GCSEs (those are finals over here in NI). And slowly, but surely, the realisation she would be going started dawning upon me. And more and more, I slowly sunk back into depression: this was really it.

I can't quite exactly remember our verbal exchanges. But what I remember our the last couple of things we did in her last weeks. The first was a Pokémon battle.

Basically, the situation was this: I for some reason couldn't get the event Victini from Pokémon BW at the time (this was after it's release), so I was in a little bit of annoyance. However, my friend there had 3, and she promised to give me one if I beat her in a Pokémon battle. Not being one to back down from a battle, I accepted, looking forward to the prospect of getting a Victini. But that would mean winning.

The battle started, and I held out little hope I would win: but what did it matter? I was having a Pokémon Battle with someone, my first battle that wasn't with an AI! All that mattered was that I was going to have fun. I distinctly remember facing a massive shock though: I had won. I just remember rejoicing over Sceptile, the man of the hour (who had won through Leaf Storm and Acrobatics (foreseeing her Blaziken/Volcarona switches)) and through that I got my Victini.

Later on, some days later, I was looking at my card collection: and there was my ancient mew card, in its glass frame. I know the card itself isn't super valuable, but to me it was something precious. And I decided, as a thank you gift, to give it to her.

I got a hug. I assume she felt just as awkward as I did about the hug, cause we both reeled back pretty quickly. Clearly, she liked physical contact about as much as I did: and I'm not a fan of it.

And that was pretty much our last encounter. She went on to college in England. She is one of few girls I've truly gotten along with. To be honest, she's one of few people I've gotten on with. I miss her dearly, and would give anything just to see her once more, just to even say hi.

Because she was a true friend. I hold onto that. I hope that life is going OK for her.

I miss her.

 

Sadly,contact has thinned. We emailed each other for a while, but then it just, stopped. I dunno, all I know is she's on a different island to me now. Even so, I don't possess the money, nor the desire to travel (I hate traveling, which is a pretty annoying hindrance). But I appreciate the concern, it feels good to know that people understand how I feel