Best quote in real life wins!

"If there is a God, IF THERE IS,.... It has to be a man. No woman would or could ever fuck things up like this."

"I dont want to be the man in the movie, i wanna be the man in the song."

"Fuck tress. I climb clouds motherfucker"

 

"Only two things are infinite: Human stupidity and universe, but I am not sure about the last one"

 

"I played Night 1, and nothing really happened. Then I played Night 2, and I met the purple guy. I went 'Aaaaaaaahhhhhh, Hi.'"

(My brother's reaction after playing Five Nights at Freddy's on his tablet.)

 

Two friends of mine are discussing how their other friend is pro-confederate flag, and how they were trying to educate him on the true goals and purposes (some of which were admittedly non-evil) of the confederacy. That third guy said "I don't care what you're trying to tell me, I decided my opinion I'm keeping my flag!"

At which point I chime in and say "Yeah, who needs your 'historically accurate facts' when I've got my opinions!"

\\\

Here's a long-ie but a goodie:

"Tell me something: do you think I'm funny, do you think I'm a comedian? Maybe I should try being less humorous, because you seem to think I was joking every time I said that I don't give the tiniest shred of regard for your self-inflicted downward-spiraling lack of personal humanity. You poor, stupid, selfish, ignorant, self-centered, ego-driven, whine-bragging, self-and-world-loathing, wannabe violent sociopathic manchild! I will never understand how you have not yet come to grasp the simple fact that I was not, am not, and will never be your friend, you astoundingly colossal douchebag."

Me, next time that partic ular fool asks me to hang out, now that I don't have see him very often. Okay, I haven't said it yet, but I have it memorized and have it ready to say to that particular deluded idiot next time he talks to me. So it technically is a quote, just a chronologically misplaced one.

And I, for one, think it's even better that this entire rant is lacking curse words until maybe the last word being borderline. It makes it sound more thought-out, which I think it is.

 

"Just because I'm full of bad ideas doesn't mean you have to listen to them." (My sister)

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through the 4th and 5th ribs" (also my sister)

 

"I used to work with a guy in college who made bombs for a living."

"It's not every day you talk about assassins, nuclear bombs and electrocution in the same class."

"I once forced a large kitchen appliance manufacturing plant to close down for several months after causing vats used for hardening steel to overflow and trigger a huge chain reaction that produced cyanide. And turned the whole building green."

Yup, I talk to some strange people, haha.

 

I was hanging out with a bunch of friends a few years ago (I was the gumpy dad of our convoluted family), when some of the more odd friends did something weird. Well, more weird than usual, because I made a face like "Are you serious?" One other friend (the cool stepmom, maybe) turns to me and says "Oh, you know you love us."

"Love is a powerful word." I reply. "I endearingly tolerate them."

 

"You just have to be mean to him. He doesn't understand polite instructions. Next time he touches you just scream at him that he should NEVER EVER touch you again. Thats what I did now he doesn't even try to make conversation." My work friend Ashley on the topic of a creep at work who hits on all the girls even the underaged ones and thinks I'm his friend.

Another girl on the same topic said something along the lines of "make angry shreiking noises everyone understands what that means"

 

"You come up in here with a "What's up guys, here are some questions I got, take some time out of your busy day and help me out because I am too lazy" makes me want to punch a fucking lamb in it's face. Have you ever seen a lamb? It's gorgeous.

That's how mad you make me. I want to destroy a baby sheep"

When some new guy (who came across as a cocky prick) started asking stupid questions.

 

"If I had any patience, I'd sweep it up and put it in the bin." - My dad
"I may be small, but I have a big mouth. Don't mess with momma." - My mom (after scaring a couple of fighting cats away)
"Do you have vampire money? Every time you open your wallet, it disappears." - My mom

 

When the airplane I was on was coming back to my country, it made a turn because it was a bit early. I was seven years old at that time, and I thought the airplane was going to crash. Instead of panicking frantically like everybody else on the plane, this is what I said to myself: "Good news! You've made it home! But you're going to crash, and die. And that's the bad news!" I still can't believe I remember that.

"Stop dilly-dallying and get to class!" I said one day to a couple of Year 7's and they gave me a "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...." look.

One day, when I was extremely tired in a maths class, my teacher said "What's the value of 'x'?" I raised my hand unconsciously and said, "It's a scalene triangle". I will not mention the reaction my 'peers' gave me, but my teacher was humoured, I had to go to the office because of my tiredness which was in fact a bad virus. Oh well, at least I made the class laugh.

"Finished one painstaking algebra question, 23 endurement trials to go!" -Me

"I'm 13 years old and it's only until now that I know how to drink water properly," - My twin sister a few months ago (we're 14 now)

 

how can we see mirrors if our eyes aren't real- jaden smith