Spoiler I am going to blast my classmates off to the moon. They're lazy, annoying, think they're superior to everyone and seem to grab every opportunity they get to laugh at me. Seriously. Grow up. I'm glad this school year is almost over. I am going to rip it out of my school history and throw it into a volcano. I sure hope next year is gonna be better, because that's my final year and I really don't want it to end terrible... Bye bye, classmates! Please go on and end up in a place where I'll never have to talk to you again. I won't be so cruel as to wish you dead or anything because I do think people can change, but the way you're acting right now pisses me off quite a lot, and if there's anything I can do to make you guys realize how stupid all of you are acting... I'd love to do it. *continues building the rocket*
I feel like the world is the judge jury and executioner when it comes to social cues and norms. I say dumb shit for a laugh and it turns out people dislike it. I feel sad that I have a twisted sense of humour, all my own. I think I will avoid group discussions, until I can get it together. I do not blame anyone for my wrongs, only one at fault here was me. a double fault it was too....
Spoiler i have felt like utter trash lately, to be frank. my irl "friend circle" is incredibly toxic. most people within it have serious issues with each other and don't give a damn about each other, they all seem to have issues with me for some god damn reason and i know for fact they say stuff about me behind my back, and are just incredibly childish overall. i sometimes hang out with people in the year above who are a lot more fun to talk to and i'm on decent terms with, but i feel like they find me weird and irritating. i can't tell if people are just assholes or if i'm doing something horribly wrong. and within the past few months, i've realized i barely trust most of my internet friends and they probably talk shit on me as well. not to mention, a ton of people have lost respect for me because i've got pissed off, mostly as a result of all the crap i have been putting up with. basically, i trust nobody and nobody irl seems to have a fucking clue what actual friendship is.
Man, my luck seems to be horrid... Since my first year of college has begun, trouble just LOVES to find me. 1. I feel like I'm growing up too fast and I get overwhelmed with anxiety from having new responsibilities and I still have yet to adapt to college life. 2. I had a friend, who I thought was an awesome guy (hell I did fall in love with him, but I knew a relationship wasn't happening considering our age difference and his sexuality), ends up turning his back on me and basically lied/sugarcoated things to me whenever we spoke. Letting go of your first love is a REALLY difficult process. 3. I was on my way home from school once (I need to take the Metro - basically a subway and a bus to school). This guy kept harassing me for money and spoke as if he knew me (I clearly didn't cause he first started speaking in French and I'm not fluent in it at all). Was pretty scared cause he threatened me and no one else was around to help. 4. I had to submit an authorized absence due to my anxiety preventing me from doing well in my studies during the winter semester. But it wasn't even valid due to illegible handwriting and missing a date, so I had to submit it AGAIN, AFTER the semester ended (and is probably not even being processed). I actually have been denied from registering for college this upcoming Fall semester due to my lackluster academic performance (but hopefully I can get into night classes), although I shouldn't have been cause my authorized absence should've gone through. 5. That being said, today I had to submit a form to hopefully return to college. I had to borrow my sister's pass to get there and back (cause she has the pass for the month of June, mine doesn't). I get off at a Metro station to go see EB games and kill some time before I headed anywhere else I got a whopping $220 fine for borrowing my sister's pass. >__> I was lucky to have had ID, or I may have been arrested. x.x
If it isn't good enough for them, then not me as well... I like to inspire others with my creativity. But to do clean works and not be myself. Clean is too easy. Messy is all about good placement. Clean is just fewer effects and positions. I could be a multi style artist. like my writing. I need the digital art to flow as well. STOP EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM ME. end....
(Before I start I will admit I carelessly dotted periods and comma almost carefree so ya read at your own risk) *Sigh* I feel like I should start off with why I am here I guess... It is like almost 2am here and I am looking at discord wondering if I should try to become active here. I would like to say be active here again, but I really never have been active here cause I just am not a forum kinda guy. So I was prowling the boards when I bumped into this and took a quick look to see if this was something I could easily just write something and move on to 8-9 more posts elswhere so I could get back to a platform I am more comfortable with like discord. Then I started reading these post and they slowly got me thinking until I started thinking more and more. The more and more I thought the more I caught myself thinking about what I could get off my chest. While I may not be the perfect upstanding citizen I could be I'm not also in the file of having a mental issue (for lack of a better work sorry for offending anyone reading this.) like Autism. Due to this I feel most complaining I could ever perceive of having would be trivial and sound snobbish, Because of this I just hold a lot in. Thinking about it now I just soak in a lot like a sponge but, when its over like a used dirty sponge I just throw it away. I caught myself multiple times constantly shrugging off my best friends and asking them only to repeat if they said some keyword that caught my ears. Everytime I see mystlf doing this I feel terrible so I just keep up the gimic said ya here and uh huh there along with a few I getcha mans there, and its slowly eating me away! I use to be able to withstand anything annoying no matter how bad. Then it turned into everything but people being "stupid". Then my definetion of "stupid" transformed into something more, something with more meaning that it should ever be. It turned into 60% of stuff I just didn't care for like watching people try to get 1 million dollars on the price is right because, it was near impossible and people who tried are probably wasting a lot of money just trying. I feel the last straw I pulled out of my cup was swearing. I notice myself swearing more and more and, when I realised it became a problem I kept mentally blaming others than admitting its my own fault for swearing and, have been trying to stop myself. Unfortunately I keep drifting to phrases like "god dammit" an the like. Thinking about it now that I phrase it like that maybe the first sign of this sort of "deteriation" was cause I have been trying to blame almost everything on somebody but me.... I need to give it some thought honestly but, its to late ( or early I guess depends on your point of view) For now I will admit I am a loud, obnoxious, sometimes helpful person who has trouble even listening to my own dearest friends much less anything else, with a punchline either ending with a god awfull pun or a jokingly racist remark (mostly only to family for that last one) who just absorbs any hate/info/pain and deals with it ( well exept for heights/falling still to dang scary and will like under a occupied tombstone for a month than go look over a high cliffside. And lots lots more. Well anywho I am going to start ranting on a more personal/me old stupidities/or really barriers that let me feed lies to myself to help me still sleep at night like a stone chucked into the middle of the ocean. (and as afterthought still writing a big pessimist) Spoiler: Little more personal So I use to use this old chatsite on my ipod (cause I was still too young for a phone according to my parents and, I agree now people that age shouldn't have the amount of money on something that fragile in their pockets.) So I constantly went on palringo at night You know what its been about half an hour just writing this alone I will finish this at a later date. BYE! (Also Have A Good Night!)
I'm so sick of not be able to stay up past like an hour at a time. I can't get anything done, I can't give attention to those who need it, my head just feels so heavy all the time. I hope this will end soon because it's driving me mad, I'm tired even right now.
Spoiler i cant fucking do this anymore i hate the people, i hate myself, i fucking hate everything. my motivation has absolutely gone to shit and im just angry and sad all the damn time. i cant handle anything anymore, people just make me sad and im confrontational and defensive way too much and i just want to actually die so i dont have to deal with this shit. and man, no one fucking understands i cant just like. motivate myself to do shit, and no one else can motivate me it just starts to feel like a chore when it really shouldnt and its too much stresss to bear its just not fun anymore and that fucking sucks but its really how i feel and i just cant. do this anymore. i cant pretend everyday. i feel more isolated each fucking day and nothing and no one is helping at fucking all and im a fucking needy ass bitch i fucking hate myself im just so tired.
Too much pressure to succeed. I hate it so much! How I wish for the times, I had no cares in the world Nowadays it's just do this and do that and it's crushing my resolve... so much it hurts a yearning, deep rooted pain... Just let it go... all go and be one.
Why not? The main reason I'm glad it's summer vacation here? I am sick of my classmates. They're loud, ignorant, immature, and gossiping idiots. At my school, it's not looks that makes you popular, it's if you're in a sport. And to be honest, I CAN'T STAND SPORTS. It's all anyone ever talks about, acting like everyone in the world likes them and wants to talk about sports 24/7. I sometimes feel like the only person in the world who doesn't like sports. I know that I'm not, but I still feel that way. I hate team sports in gym, because I always seem to be put with the people who are super competitive. I hate the competitiveness. Just grow up, it means next to nothing. One time, a while ago, they were being so competitive and unfair that I actually had to go to the bathroom to calm down. Anyway, back on the main topic, you get little to no credit for anything that's not sports or gossip related at my school, meaning that I barely have anything to them. The only things I'm known for is being smart, kind, and quiet. Sure, that's not bad, but I'm sick of being nearly invisible. That's not all I am. I'm not just three words. I just sit, listening to their conversation, never getting anything in because I can't. I'm invisible to them, no matter what I try. My two closest friends are both guys. With one, I feel like I am horrible to him, even though he keeps saying I'm not. I try to act better. I just hate the way I act around him. I don't know why I do. We've been friends for years. We get along really well most of the time. I don't know why I start being such a jerk. My other friend is what you could call the weird, bad kid. He's... definitely weird, pretty much the opposite of what people think of me. I know he's bad news, and that he's definitely not the kind of person parents would want their kids talking to, but I just get along with him. He listens and understands me, agrees with me on most things about life, and, on some levels, he's way more mature than most people my age. I know I'll eventually have to stop hanging out with him, but I just want to enjoy the feeling of having another person who thinks, even slightly, like me. Wow. That feels good.
Don't read Lugia , please. You are an angel if you resist. If you look, you're not. Ahem. Spoiler I can't stand having a lot of things on my chest. I just need to let some buckets of sadness out. I am simply devastated knowing that when I finally got my happiness back after years of sadness, I lost it and now I'm back to the void of despair again. I don't want to be sad like this. I want the happiness that always defined me to be a part of me again. Being this sad is painful. I know it is depression but I am too afraid to admit it. Why? Because I am so afraid of people. Nobody will support me. They will only scowl harshly at feeling this way, and it's not my fault I am sad. This sadness has affected me so much. I cannot properly structure sentences anymore (unless it's an exam). Everything I do is now worthless. But I want to be positive. I want to return to this happiness. I will never forget these few days where I was actually happy. Now I'm leaving Lebanon, and although I love Australia to the core of my heart, I don't want to leave my only means of peace and family. I don't want to leave my beautiful auntie. She loves me. She treats me so well! And now is the pains of going back to school. Don't worry, I love school! It's just too tiring and draining. Anyway, I'll do anything to get my happiness back. I've lost motivation in everything: eating, sleeping, drawing, playing on my Nintendo, smiling, laughing etc. I feel as though I don't want to do anything anymore. Sometimes I don't want to live anymore, but it's not my life that I hate. I don't hate my life. I just dislike the state I am enduring. Sometimes, I don't feel as though I am living. I am surviving. I am carrying a heavy burden. Oh well, I guess that's what I deserve. I'm only getting what's right for me. I only wish that I can stop being treated like a villain. Honestly, am I that bad? Is loving a character a crime punishable by death? I want to be happy again, but I know it won't happen. I just want you to be strong. I love you so much. I try to help you, but you think I'm perfect. I'm not. I am a wretch. A wretch who doesn't deserve anything. And if this makes you sad, don't let it, because these are the feelings I feel when the sadness (I try not to use depression because everyone will blast at me) strikes me. I don't know what to do anymore. It's just that we fight over the silliest things. And the smallest of things are tearing love apart. Really? Sigh. I don't want to give up. I will keep fighting to get my happiness back. Even though I'm losing. I am losing terribly. I don't want to beat myself up anymore. It's ridiculous. Ho-Oh, out!
I wish family drama didn't catch up with me so easily... I don't need it, with where my life is right now. Take it on board yes, then be done with it. Never speak of it again... I suppose all family conversations in the car are different.... Dad just happens to unload all his issues on me... I'll forget it all eventually, it always ends up forgotten and lost in the end...
So... I'm an otaku, some what... I love anime, I love manga, and I love cosplay. My sister thinks my anime obsession is borderline...crazy/bad. I think I first started having a super anime obsession when 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' came out. I was literally all over that series, and I bought lots, and LOTS of figures and the manga, and even light novels (even though I never read them.). Of course, I bought the anime on DVD in the collector's box, and everything. I even had my own website that was created for the series. I had a display case just worshipping that series, that it was pretty scary, even for me. After the series died down around 2008/2009...I had no other obsession other than that series. I continued to love that series for pretty much years up until around 2011/2012. In 2013, when Free! Iwatobi Swim Club was out...I had this crazy obsession thing again. It was a different type of obsession though... I loved all the characters, obviously, but I was pretty much gung-ho for the female character in there rather than the guys. I cosplayed her for years, and even thought I was her to some extent. This series became my second life, and I also had a little pedestal for them... However... lately, there is this new anime that recently started in October. You probably know it as Yuri!!! on Ice. It's a sports anime. It's about skating... yet, it has all these things in there that sort of point you to BL (Boys' Love, Yaoi, etc...)... My sister was the one who got me started on it... and now, it's literally making me jelly all over... I cry, I laugh...I turn into a puddle. This series is gonna end up killing me one day, like it's killing my sister's wallet. But...the thing is... I don't have many stuff for this new series... in fact, a lot of the items won't be released until next year. My sister has already pre-ordered a whole bunch of items, and luckily I can have some of them...but my obsession for this series is little crazy... If only I had money...and if I did, I'd probably not only make a hole in my wallet, my wallet would have probably been disintegrated OTL... She told me, "I need to stop going crazy over the anime... You freak out too much." Yes, I agree, I freaked out a lot during the past few episodes...this last one left me in a puddle of tears... She says, that's not normal to cry to that extent...sure, she felt moved...but she didn't have tears going down her eyes... I had tears falling, my nose was clogged, a lump in my throat... and I just... ***going off-topic OTL*** ANYWAYS... I guess the main thing is... am I too obsessive? Is it just a phase? Will it go down when the series is over? Or would this take over my life? ...There are nendoroids coming out for this series soon, and she's not gonna by me one... so I'm at the boiling points where I'm willing to sell all my other figures and nendoroids just for this series... is that too much? I honestly feel, that having an obsession, makes me feel alive =(
Well, if you've been obsessed with other series in the past and then later found new ones you liked more the same could happen again. Doesn't seem like you're hurting anyone with it, if there's something out there that brings you a lot of joy and you've found that and have that for yourself, then that's great. I can only speak for myself but there have been times when I was low and needed something to really enjoy but just didn't have it, it's good that you do. I can to be honest understand your sister protesting over money but it doesn't sound like you have some serious problem with obsession, just a lot of passion. Sometimes you need that in your life.
i guess this isnt really a vent anymore, but oh well. Spoiler i thought a lot about what i put here, and it was just a result of misguided anger. nothing i wrote needed to be said here. so i edited it out. im striving for a change. something real. i want to be the best person i can be, from here on forward. ive made a lot of bad decisions in my life, and im determined to turn that around. ive been a terrible friend. a terrible partner. a terrible daughter. a horrible person in general. and i want to change that. i believe in myself. its hard to believe but i have become a better person in the past few years, but thats not enough. not anymore. especially because of whats happened recently. i need to be more. more kind. more caring, more understanding, more selfless. i will do all i can to be a better person in all the ways possible. so no, this isnt really a vent anymore. just a promise. to myself, to the world. on my word as a person, a survivor. it may not mean much, but its all i can offer for now.
So I've been battling a stomach flu these past days, and it's honestly just overwhelming me. I feel like crying right now because the nausea and I know what's coming next, I just want it to be over. On top of this I also have an antibiotic resistant uti and it's like what else can go wrong? What did I do so bad that I deserve this? Venting about it helps a bit but if it would end and I have a good Christmas that'd be fine.
Well, recently I have been doing terrible per usual. Birthday was also terrible. None of my friends are talking to me and are not there when I need them. Then again, I never talk to them because they push me away once they get the good out of me, and I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I have plenty to say but I would probably get the same smack as I did on Wajas. I have no Idea what to do at this point. Even at my worst my friends don't care so I have like, nobody there for me. Everyone says I'm awesome but just because I buy them stuff. There's nothing good about me. I'm ungrateful about everything, I make a big deal out of everything, and I'm too sensitive. Reading the posts on this made me feel worse about myself. I feel as I will never change and nothing will get better. I am downright a horrible person, but I guess none of my 'friends' see that? I mean, honestly I just want to stab myself with a syringe and die but that's just my personal opinion. Let's just say nothing WILL get better and I should die, and that's that c':
I've been struggling with a lot of worries and anxiety lately. I'm fine most of the time, but occasionally I'll suddenly feel like everyone I care about will forget about me. Or, despite knowing better, I'll feel as if people are pretending to like me. It's not a debilitating issue and these thoughts don't come often, but when they do it gets really intense. I try to remain positive whenever possible, and that helps a lot. I tell myself I deserve happiness, and I believe that. But it can get very difficult to ignore the anxiety sometimes. I'm not unhappy overall by any means; quite the opposite. But these thoughts get to be draining if I don't give myself an outlet.
Absolutely the same my guy, but just know that you are a true pal and NO ONE in their right mind could pretend to like someone who is as good of a friend as you are. I hope you'll feel a bit better soon. <3
Spoiler Maybe the real reason I've never liked the terms "good person and "bad person" isn't that the world isn't so strictly divided into black and white/right and wrong/good and bad/whatever, but because I'm legitimately a bad person. I'm cold and manipulative. I make excuses. I blame others for my mistakes. I'm incapable of love, of compassion, of anything. I push away anyone who tries to help. I put on an act. I have one friend, and he deserves better. He was once cruel and abusive, but mellowed into a pretty decent guy who feels a lot of remorse and wants to atone for what he's done. I want to be a better person too. But I don't know how. I've just lost my way so completely.
