Constructive Criticism on my Poems much Needed!

As much as I'd want to help you by giving constructive criticism on your poems, I really have no experience with poems myself, so I can't really say much about that. What I can say is that your poems are absolutely amazing, and they really made an impact on me. I only rarely get personally affected by something I read, but this is definitely one of those cases. Especially your last poem, it was almost as if I could've said those words myself. It was amazing to read, and I definitely think you're really talented at writing poems, but again, I don't have much experience myself. I'd really love to see more, that's all I can say

 

I made it to number nine, but I just can't feel anything. They're too... wordy. I don't know, it feels somewhat forced.

Anyway, this should help you. I did copy and paste over your first poem in your collect to help me prove a point. Hope you don't mind. Also, one of my poems are in there to help prove the same point.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/121xqW6Ka0LTZwfqulByQhF4SjcyNNauigR-leqCp_Q4/edit?usp=sharing

 

So I've only got the first three read so far since I'm a bit tired and sleep deprived right now, but I'll run by you what I think of those and I'll try to remember to get the rest later. Spoilered so I don't take up a whole mess of page space (and google docs doesn't work so great for me, I can only load existing pages for some reason, even on my own docs).

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Falling and Falling:

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I recognize these are free verse, but when I try to read it, it feels choppy. I know the goal isn't to follow a particular rhythm or line length, but it doesn't feel very natural to me for some reason. I really can't peg down a cause, and the more I re-read it, the less I notice it. So, I don't know what to make of that.

Secondly, repetition is a powerful tool, but I feel you aren't using it quite right. Rather than being a consistent theme in the entire work used to amplify upon itself, here it seems to cover a lack of synonyms and metaphors. Like spots of repetition as opposed to an inescapable ocean of a concept that's equally inescapable. My advice: instead of a feeling getting stronger and stronger, and a void getting larger and larger, you can make those more concise and hard-hitting while instead falling in this pit and falling in that void and falling in these feelings and falling in those traps. That way, the listener can't escape the feeling of falling, empathizing with the speaker who feels that way. If you plan to read these publicly, a spoken emphasis on each successive repeat really drives the point home. When there's only two instances in a repetition, there's not much growth to have.

Where she is:

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You had some really nice rhythm and rhyme going on in the first half or so (even if it was accidental, I don't know if it was), and I think you could have run with it. Well, it rhymes if you pronounce genuine as genu-ine, rather than genu-in; and perfect as perf-ekt instead of perf-ikt. If you choose on either no rhythm and rhyme, or (mostly) constant rhythm and rhyme; instead of a little bit of each, that would be wonderful.

Last stanza acting as an almost-repeat of the first was a good effect executed wonderfully. Whatever edits you make, keep that in tact.

Mr. Sadness:

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This felt like a very good free verse in most stanzas. If these are posted in chronological order of your writing, I see a positive curve so far. The only thing that bugs me is the second to last stanza, and a little of the last. Second to last just seems... compressed? Like you could have expanded it into two or three stanzas of a similar length. "Nothing will change, the world won't be better without you, blah blah blah. Next Stanza, we'll only feel more of the sadness that already covers you, blah blah blah." Or something like that. If you like my little 10-second idea there, feel free to run with something along those lines.

The very last stanza seems too ham-fisted though. Like you're just tacking on a "Hey everybody, in case you didn't catch what this poem was about, here it is." Respect your audience, you don't need to hold our hand and directly tell us what the poem was about. We already read it, we felt it, we empathized. Instead of directly telling your listener (who is either Mr. Sadness or a friend thereof), you could instead pose a situation that continues a third-person (not second-person at the audience, like you totally did in that last stanza) perspective of how things will turn out if he does and/or does not try to get through it himself. Long story short, you were already doing a perfectly good job showing, you don't need to tell.