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Original I couldn’t (an original poem by RadEmpoleon)

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by RadEmpoleon, May 1, 2019.

  1. RadEmpoleon

    RadEmpoleon certified EPIC Gamer™ (they/them)

    Bondo
    (Sobble)
    Level 15
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    Comet Shard ★★★★Poké Doll ★★
    My mission was to eliminate her
    But I couldn't.

    Her beautiful smile,
    Her rich brown eyes,
    Her silky caramel hair,
    Her amazing sense of humor,
    Her contagious laughter,
    I couldn't.

    The boss told me to eliminate her
    But I couldn't.

    The world stopped
    As I looked at her
    And my heart pounded even harder
    With every breath.
    I couldn't.

    When I looked at her I knew
    Everything would be okay.
    I couldn't.

    I explained to the boss that
    I couldn't
    But he said
    You're too soft,
    You spineless fool.

    And as I was getting prepared
    To be eliminated by the boss
    For not carrying out the mission,
    I thought of that girl,
    Her beautiful smile,
    Her rich brown eyes,
    Her silky caramel hair,
    Her amazing sense of humor,
    Her contagious laughter,
    I couldn't.

    Just then the whole world stopped
    And I could feel her heart
    Pounding against mine.
    Hers in passion, mine in fear.
    Staggered breaths,
    Tears streaming down my face.
    All of a sudden
    Overwhelmed by my own elimination.
    I couldn't.

    I could hear her soft voice telling me
    That everything would be okay.
    I believed her.
    I loved her.

    I couldn't.
    I couldn't resist the boss anymore.
    I gave up the fight
    All for that girl.
    I couldn't.

    I wanted to tell her
    That I saved her
    And that I loved her
    But I couldn’t.

    (This is my first time writing poetry that wasn’t required for school. Also it’s the first thing I’ve written that isn’t heavily involved in death or violence. And the first time I’ve attempted a romantic story.)
     
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    #1 May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
    Wizard likes this.
  2. Absolute Zero

    Absolute Zero The second seal

    Jeff
    (Spinarak)
    Level 19
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    Mar 17, 2015
    Posts:
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    PokéPoints:
    ₽2,869.8
    You have a very nice sense for repetition. Each repeated line feels like it's there for a reason, expressing either fear or obsession/admiration as a repeating thought that won't go away, instead of just a deliberate hook. Less for trying to force structure and catchiness, more for full description of emotional process, and I find that delicious.

    I think you're on to something here, and I'd like to read anything else you feel like sharing.
     
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    RadEmpoleon likes this.
  3. RadEmpoleon

    RadEmpoleon certified EPIC Gamer™ (they/them)

    Bondo
    (Sobble)
    Level 15
    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2018
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    Comet Shard ★★★★Poké Doll ★★
    Ahh thanks!
     

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