Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: A Fiery Bird Beyond The Sky

holy wall of text... maybe u need paragraphs... its all bunched together... even then its not many words.. but it looks ok so far

 

Alright its good....but i think it needs some work. I write a lot of short stories and am working on a novel with a friend so allow me to extend an editor's help. I will try to be delicate but I'm sorry if it sounds harsh
First the paragraph should be separated, this usually occurs when changing topics or when a new character speaks as to not confuse the reader.
Second, Harumo is clearly the main character give a description of him. Even if he is not a human long we need to understand the basics (age, distinctive features, some kind of personality)
Third, pronouns and other descriptors are your best friends. You use Harumo whenever you are referencing him. Try using him, the boy, the young child. It adds some more flare and differences in your writing. This extends to several other sentences, be descriptive your job is to engulf the reader in your world make them see it
Fourth, You say he is hit by thunder? I realize this is a Pokémon move but....thunder is the noise that comes after lightning it is not a physical thing you can't be hit by it.
Fifth, please pick a tense. You switch between past and present tense several times in the paragraph this is very confusing. Either tense is fine but stick with one. As you are using a 3rd party narrator i suggest the past tense for simplicity reasons as present usually fits with a first person narrator (such as if Harumo was telling the story).
Sixth, there are a lot of editing errors. i suggest having a friend read through this to find them all as writers tend to read what they think is on the screen/paper rather than what is there.
Seventh, this is more a personal thing but, you gave away the big reveal a little soon. From what I understand, the mystery dungeon games all have a common trait of the mystery behind how/why a person becomes a Pokémon, but you told us. A prologue's purpose is to give a short snipit of information that takes place before the main story with chapter 1 starting after a good amount of time takes place. Like Harry Potter the prologue describes the worlds reaction to Voldemort being defeated by baby Harry who is later placed on the doorstep of his uncle's home all in the same prologue chapter 1 then takes place 11 years later. You gave an awful lot of info that probably should have been a big reveal or belongs as a chapter one as I assume your story will pick up right after.

Sorry if these are harsh, I'm a picky editor, but I hope that this helps in the editing process.