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Fanfiction Pokemon: Ultra Light

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Moonstruck-Mist, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. Moonstruck-Mist

    (Shaymin (Sky))
    Level 35
    Feb 2, 2017
    [Outside link removed due to violation of global forum rule against linking to outside websites. -- Negative Zero]

    When the light of her world is stolen away, a human-turned-Pokémon must journey through alternate dimensions in search of the being who holds her home's light. On her journey, she makes new friends, enemies, and even meets old acquaintances long forgotten. Will she reach the beast before her time limit is up? Or will she fail, even with her friends' assistance?

    All opinions on the story, both here and there, will make a great difference in future chapters. Also, please do tell me if you see any grammatical errors. Even I cannot see them all.
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    #1 Sep 7, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2018
  2. Absolute Zero

    Absolute Zero The second seal...

    Level 17
    Mar 17, 2015
    This is one of the best fanfics I've read in a while, only through the end of the first chapter. So far I like Kira and Pidgeot (he seems to speak like a proper gentleman), and so far there are only two things I dislike at all:
    - Pidgeot seems like a strange Pokémon to include, since it's not really native to Alola. You can Island Scan it in USUM, but that seems like a stretch. Your choice though.
    - Necrozma seems quite casual. The bossyness and arrogance seems accurate, but his dialogue, even if translated from Pokelanguage to English, seems off.

    (My additions in bold, my thoughts in italics.)

    "There have been strange occurrences around Poni Island"

    "I've never trained a Pokémon myself, only helped them and kept them healthy"

    "Kukui said and rubbed her head" In Hawaiian (and Alolan?) culture, I'm pretty sure the top of the head is a nearly sacred body part. Very rude to touch it on someone else's body, especially someone you barely know. Maybe a slight adjustment to a different comforting gesture would be better.

    "I don't want this to fail any worse than it already might" It seems like a strange commentary. I understand non-optimism, but what circumstance at that time is increasing chance of failure? What is failure in this instance? Maybe another phrasing to show a sense of worry or caution could get the point across.

    "A twenty or thirty foot drop" which is about 3 stories high, which is quite a lot -- oh, never mind, Kira acknowledges the safe landing is strange. Props to you for keeping aware of what seems a likely injury!

    Beyond that, I like this story a lot and am eager to see how the weirdness morphs and stakes intensify, and especially how someone inexperienced as Kira tries to handle it. I'm going to try to keep this tab open and read further this week. Keep up the good work!
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