Relationships & You

I have been in few relationships in my life. And personally i like it. As a boyfriend i am caring, procetive, fair, funny and a shoulder to cry on. Also in my relationships sex and dinners together are a thing. I dont like to argue, but when i do, i try to solve it quickly.

I am more husband than a boyfriend.

I believe that a good relationship is based on trust and equality. Also you really cant plan for a relationship. If you fond a good person to you it just klicks.

I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a fellow lake valor resident and we both are happy. And fun fact: today (28th of July) we have been a month together.

May love be part of ya'll life ♥

 

Are we talking about relationships just as friends, or are we talking about the 'dating' type of relationships? I ask because the two are thoroughly different beasts. Either way, I'll answer in regards to both.

Before I go on, know that some of what I say may be viewed as rather controversial, that most of what you will read here consists of my personal takes on the matter, and that you are always free to disagree with me and I will not be offended if you do so.
Now, to begin.

Friendship relationships are, dare I say it, necessary for one's life to thrive. We as human beings are relational creatures, constructed to connect with one another. Similar or differing interests aside, humans tend to act in groups as a unit, less so as individuals - though individuality is always important, of course, much work is accomplished when many individuals act and agree together under a unified purpose.

But I'm getting a bit off track. Friendships are enriching, rewarding, and certainly challenging. True friends are not afraid to speak truth right to your face, and push you towards different or healthier habits, even if you find them uncomfortable - but nor will they leave you behind in the midst of adversity. In a sense, critique is like a microcosm of real life. Many of us here have submitted some kind of work for something, and have either been given suggestions on how to improve it, or told what must be fixed to be acceptable.

Yet this isn't confined to creative works - human beings themselves undergo a similar process. Have you ever told someone, or been told yourself, that you shouldn't eat too much of something because it's unhealthy? that an idea you thought was really good has a few snags that need to be corrected? that driving with your knees or doing your makeup in the car is just outright stupid and dangerous? Friends will tell you those things and be honest about them. It's not because they want to hurt you - it's because they care and want to help you before you do something you might not be able to rescind.

That concludes my talk (for now) about friendship relationships, things which I have nothing but praise for.

As for my opinion on romantic relationships, unfortunately my opinion is the exact opposite. The nicest phrase I can use to describe them is 'a waste of time'. Granted, it has virtually all of the good points listed above, plus a couple more, but with it comes a list of obligations and restrictions, much of them decided by social norms, that overall tend to result in reduced mobility. Instead of becoming a bunch of 'can dos', it becomes a bunch of 'can't dos', largely because a specific friend, who you would gladly spend time with regardless, now becomes your priority, almost to the point of pushing away everyone else you try to remain friends with.

I've never been in a romantic relationship before, and after watching a few of my good friends have their experiences with them, I don't plan to. Why even bother when nothing truly new comes about from it? I stand to gain nothing from escalating a friendship relationship to a romantic one, and instead I stand to lose a fair amount, especially my time. In any case, I would not treat the person much different than my other close friends, who I normally cherish greatly anyway. And I have not even touched on the heartbreak aspect - if the breakup is not mutual, it only hurts both parties, leaving wounds that don't go away.

My best friend told me on the matter that "time doesn't heal all wounds. That's a lie. It just makes you forget them for a bit", and he's certainly not a cynical fellow, nor am I. He was dating a girl for 2 years before a mutual breakup, as their respective lives just became too cluttered for them to handle a relationship of that level. They're still very good friends, and I surmise they will stay that way for years.

I don't want to try and glamourise one kind of relationship while debasing the other, necessarily; there is actually a heavy downside that is common to both of these kinds of relationships, and one that is nearly impossible to mitigate. I speak of the crushing loneliness (or at least feeling apart) that takes hold when separated from friends for prolonged periods of time. Those who have been unable to keep in contact with old friends for several weeks, or even just find they've vanished from radar altogether, know exactly what this means. Thankfully, this feeling abates when restoring the contact, but it isn't truly addressed and can easily return when the contact vanishes again. (I haven't really found a way to deal with this other than ignoring it, and not even that works all that well. If you know a way, please tell me.) Sadly this is something that has to be dealt with even in friendships, so the only way to avoid this is to just have no friends - which is objectively a worse option than either of the above.

Sadly that's all I can say. I'd love to speak well on the matter, but personal observations and calculations on the matter have prevented me from speaking on it as well as I'd like. This post took me twice as long to write as I had originally planned, as due to the sheer length of this post my browser momentarily froze up on multiple occasions. It's true that I have a lot to say, but I tend to deconstruct things a lot, and in so doing I discover a lot of an object's quantities - and relationships are no exception. They're quite mysterious, but altogether necessary for survival, even if it is just a basic type (like an acquaintance).

 

I've only been in 2 relationships. They were both long distance because honestly? No one local is gonna date me.
I don't think I'm good in relationships at all, I'm too distant and need my space, not to mention awkward to talk to. I'm also ugly as sin, so there's that.
Long story short, I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

 

I'm 16. I don't think I'm up for a relationship (seriously, who would survive a relationship with me? XD). First, I'll solve my own problems. Then, I'll try and see if I can be of any help to somebody else
I've never had a relationship before. My standards? I have no idea... I don't even know what kind of guys I like (even though it appears that I'm more into guys who are older than me :O)

 

Relationships are an odd topic for me. People assume that I hate the concept, as I constantly tell people who ask me for advice to avoid relationships. The truth is I think relationships are a beautiful thing, but also something that must be handled very carefully and done for the right reasons. I've been in one before, and that was a huge mistake. I entered the relationship for the wrong reasons, as did she, and we both suffered for it. I made the mistake of saying yes when she asked me out because I didn't want to hurt her fragile feelings. She made the mistake of assuming that relationships were all about what we wanted, and not about realistic expectations for a relationship between two individuals.

Anyway, onto the thread's questions. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant if I say I am an ideal relationship partner. My passion in life has always been in helping other people, and this carries over to my perceptions on relationships of any kind, but especially of the romantic nature. While I don't discredit my own wants and needs, I always try to put other people's wants and needs above my own. While it sometimes is hard to see because of my constant sarcasm, I truly do have a generous soul (somewhat tempered with caution) that would make me an ideal relationship partner.

I do consider myself to be mature enough for a relationship, and I keep my standards flexible. I don't set them low or high. I simply wait until I meet someone who I feel would be someone I would like to be in a relationship with for whatever reason. I still haven't met someone like that yet, but I am patient.

On principle, I always try my absolute best in everything I deem important. Since people are important to me, I always do my best in relationships of any kind.

I already said a bit about my last relationship above. To further explain a bit, she and I both suffer from Asperger's syndrome. We became fast friends because we both felt so relieved to finally have someone to talk to who understood us in a way other people could only dream of understanding. Things moved along so fast, and she eventually confessed that she really liked me in a different way... on her birthday. I couldn't bring myself to tell her I only liked her as a friend and break her heart on such a special day.

It certainly wasn't difficult being her boyfriend. I learned the next week that she comes from a family of millionaires, and that she also happened to be an artistic prodigy. I admit I let myself get greedy and stayed as her "boyfriend" for the many generous benefits that come with being in a relationship with millionaires. I'm ashamed of that, but I'm further ashamed I didn't break off the relationship when she started manipulating and abusing the few other friends I had. I took her side in things I knew were wrong. It took six months for me to realize I was making a terrible mistake. I tried breaking it off carefully and cautiously, but she didn't get that I wanted out. Eventually, I had to be upfront and direct about it, and unfortunately it resulted in me accidentally breaking her heart far more viciously than intended.

I still care about her in an odd way. I care about the friendship I once had before she hurt my friends. I care about the connection we shared, and it's unlikely I will share such a deep understanding of someone again for quite some time. I still check up on her from time to time through social media and her art website. Sadly, she still hasn't changed.

Wow that was longer than I intended it to be

 

I like all of those questions you listed at the end. I'll answer each directly:


Do I consider myself an ideal partner?
That depends on who's asking, really, so I appreciate the wording of "an ideal" as opposed to "the ideal". Sometimes yes, I think I have a good balance of traits that are sought after in a romantic relationship. Although I may be lacking in some areas, such as me not wanting to phonecall every single day and sometimes needing just-me time, I don't think I'm measurably overbearing in any particular trait. Devoted but not overprotective, flatterer but not an exaggerator. Etc.

Do I find myself self mature enough to be in one in the first place?
I work 40 or more hours a week and have classes, a car, and bills to pay. Although I admittedly have pokey-mans as a hobby, I'm quite certain I'm mature enough to handle a serious relationship, as I've proven to myself and others many times in the past. I've been used as a benchmark of maturity by younger friends even. I recall a time when a young man minus three years or so of me was going all little-brother on me, literally asking me questions like "if I have sex, will I be an actual man?" I was used as his and several others' measure of manhood and maturity, which I'm proud of. Also, I was able to comfortably say "heck no it won't, there are many criteria and triggers and that is not one of them, and if anything, your own self-recognized realization of being "a man" should be a prerequisite for that".

Standards too high or too low when choosing a new partner?
Sometimes both. I'll set my standards high when I'm fresh out of a relationship, wanting something even better than my last situation and often being very specific as to what I want different. As time goes by my preferences loosen and my standards drop, sometimes too low. A few summers back this realization hit me too late and I had a wakeup call of "what have I just done and why? This makes no sense, why did I let it happen, we're not a good pair by any means". Luckily the lady who ignited this wakeup call became aware of the un-matching personalities between us, so we broke it off without too much ugliness and were able to just label it as a summer fling. These days though, I try to keep my standards steady and appropriate.

Do I always try my best no matter what?
I always try to outdo my other. This comes from my simple belief that healthy relationships of any kind are based off reciprocity. You put some in, you get some out. If I'm putting in more than she's giving back, then I'm certainly holding up my end of the bargain and, hey, maybe she'll put some more in too (there are at least a dozen jokes I could put here, but I won't, you're welcome).

When was my last relationship and what was it like?
My last one was... sheesh, it's been a little while. I would have been less while ago if I hadn't said one stupid thing at one stupid time. Same for the two or so maybes before that. My last relationship that actually got off the ground was intended to be a friends-with-benefits relationship but it grew beyond that, as should have been predicted. We eventually got closer than intended and started doing actual couple things instead of just other things. Really not a bad way to start a romantic relationship, but it would have been nice if that was the original intention. I have almost zero regrets in that relationship. Things were very nice, but it had to end, and we're still friends.


Hmm. That was enlightening. To reiterate... mature, has money, voted best-looking male at the last party I went to, recommended for reading an audiobook of Grey... and single. Ladies.

I can't believe I just did that.