Request feedback on your writing here!

If you’d all be so kind, I would love some feed back on my story.
https://lakevalor.net/threads/calem’s-alola-adventure.19386/
I’m very curious to hear your opinions about the direction I’ve taken and how I represent the characters. Thanks in advance.
-Gandire Alea

 

I wrote suns final adventure it probably sucks you know lol here's a link in a few seconds https://lakevalor.net/threads/suns-final-adventure.19986/

 

I would like feedback for my newest Pokémon fanfic, Between Sun and Moon. NOTE: Knowledge of the Canadian prog rock band RUSH is not required, but recommended. Enjoy! https://lakevalor.net/threads/between-sun-and-moon.20050/

 

Would anyone mind review my “Calem’s Alola Adventure”? I’ve posted quite a few chapters, but haven’t heard anything in a while... Pretty please with a cherry on top??

 

Dude its great keep going I like it

 

How's my story https://lakevalor.net/threads/the-war-of-regions.20232/ I hope y'all like it I do want feedback

 

I humbly request feedback on my poem:

https://lakevalor.net/threads/my-nebby-parody-of-annabel-lee.20073/

 

This is my first Fanfiction, and I would like feedback, please.
https://lakevalor.net/threads/first-attempt-at-writing-a-zoid-fanfiction-part-1.20366/
I also posted two short parts of the main book that I'm writing.
https://lakevalor.net/threads/relationship-between-two-of-my-characters.20121/
https://lakevalor.net/threads/ice-shifted-coup-detat-warning-it-is-long.20135/

 

Hey, I have started writing and I was wondering if anyone would like to give my story a read.
It's a story about a lucario that is raised like a human child, because the old man that found his egg didn't know how else to raise a child. It's a comfy story that will be filled with adventure and humor. I hope I have interested you at all to give it a read!
https://lakevalor.net/threads/lucarious.20397/

 

Hello! Can anyone give me feedback on the first chapter of my story?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946505/1/Survivor-Seafoam

(Shameless advertising again ;-

 

I'm somewhat new to writing, and I would appreciate feedback on my story.
https://lakevalor.net/threads/pokémon-with-actual-logic-kalos.21234/

 

I have written this fanfiction Cobalt's journey, please review it.

 

[Phantump's Phearful Phables] Escape from Lab Zero-Four

Here is my feedback on a story that is pretty decent, for the most part. I would like to thank @Morgaine for making this thread! I will be posting some short stories myself, and I prefer to have a separate thread to have feedback. I also didn't want to post on @Zero HP 's thread.
------------------------
"Not even one scientist there who is standing in the back, shouting about how he warned you, he warned you all, you'll be sorry!"

This sentence doesn't make sense, as it seems like the character is agreeing with the farrier. But as can be seen beforehand, the main character doesn't agree with the farrier.

"My brother offered to help train my Poliwhirl, and had the foresight to train her while she was wearing a King's Rock. When he gave her back to me, guess what happened? My only foray into Water Type was out of the question if I stayed in my specialty. So I gave Poli-now-toed back, and now I'm without a way across the bay."

Politoed is water type, so it should be able to ferry the character across the water. It would make more sense if it hadn't worked somehow, or the brother took it away from the main character. Yes it wouldn't be a fighting type, but that should have been obvious to a trainer that knew what would happen with a king's rock. One of the reasons that I can see this working out, is because at some point, this character will be a gym leader.

Also, there is a lot of luck going on in this story. A mansion with water damage luckily has computers that still work. The main character didn't hear the A/C crashing down several floors, until it was just about to hit them, so they avoided it. A lab with next to no power on, or perhaps a power outage, has one monitor still going. This may become untrue later, as the darkened room might have been left unlit or unused for nefarious purposes. Hence being captured. It might have been a trap.

Also, they wanted their protective HitmonLee, to wait outside of a very dark room. I was concerned because this is the same trainer that wouldn't keep a pure water type Pokémon, because it wasn't fighting type anymore. Perhaps Lee might have gotten more in the way than usual. Unless that Pokémon has dark vision.

On an alternate note, after the character has fallen asleep, "Sure, it would be nice if it made an escape route for me, but that was my only my secondary desire."

At this point there was no mention that the character woke up again, so when this part comes up, "I moved about the room some, examining some of the tubes more closely, and eventually I sat back at the chair that had its activated laptop, still showing its game of Pong on a red expanse."

Your story reads as if the character is sleep-walking. This is fixed later on in the story, as you type an activity of waking up and falling asleep once more.

There's nothing excessively wrong with your story, just a few things that could be changed that don't have to be.

 

@PoserPanda I can see what you mean by the sleep-walking-ness even just going by my memory without re-reading. To be honest, I cobbled this together in about an hour of distracted multi-tasking plus one revision of a draft (which might explain how it got clearer toward the end, as my multi-tasking ended and my focus became more singular). Not my best work by far, I just wanted to sort-of-but-not-entirely participate in Trevenant's Terrifying Tales.

The logic about the Politoed was really more of Unnamed Main Character trying to convey "I would have had a water-type Pokémon of a species good for helping me cross a body of water while still being a Fighting-Type exclusive specialist living in Kanto, but my brother accidentally ruined that for me by evolving Poliwhirl into Politoed instead of giving it back to me without a king's rock so I could give it some Water Stone action for evo into Poliwrath. I tried to be a character/trainer both specialized and multi-capable, but background narrative circumstances happened in a way that forced the plot in a direction that got me stuck on the island partly against my will."

The rest of the sequence of events I'll stand by. After all, what scary story is probable? Even the falling AC unit was deliberate as part of "mundane but practical danger that might happen while in an un-maintained building", probably the scariest thing that would happen all month to an ordinary person, as contrasted to "horrific but unlikely danger" for the stuff happening at the lab. If I decide it's worth the time to myself, I might go back and tweak parts of this. Some more active verb tenses should help alleviate some of the blandness, as well as some revision for clarity now that the entire sequence is concrete.

 

@Zero HP
Everyone has their own way of telling stories, and in your case a spooky one. I believe you took my concerns and criticisms valiantly. I will be following your story closely, and try to keep in mind that not every user will think the same way as I do, for you certainly have a knack for keeping a good plot going. Thank you for replying.

 

@warriorseadra

Professor Kukui laughs. "Kahuna, not kakuna! Although, he does look like one.

A funny insult. Repeated much too often.

Once they catch up again, Hau says, "So, Calem, what do you think? Alola is something, right? It's gotta be the best place ever to live. The sights are to die for!"

Calem follows Hau's gaze and find a group of bikini girls. Two of them are making out.

I did not expect to see this kind of thing in a Pokémon story. It certainly gives more life and character to the people in the background.

He stops and finds Hau trying to flirt with Lillie despite her discomfort. He waits to see if she'll tell him to stop before acting, but after seeing her says, "Umm…" "Maybe…" and "N-no…" six times, he interrupt.

He interrupted? He interrupts? I'm not sure what this could be, but it is one of the few grammar mistakes, besides many spelling errors, [though instead of thought, mantel instead of mantle.] that I've caught. Some sentences end with a period instead of a question mark, others need to have quotation marks put in.

Mawile runs up to Hau and whacks him off the boat with her second mouth. She then holds up her head, and with her hands on her hips, says, "Maw."

Hau leaps off the ship. His clothes dried with the breeze kicked up from sailing. He stands proud with his arms at his side. "Land ahoy! All right! Akala Island, get ready cause here I come!"

Lillie makes a face. "Isn't it a bit late to declare 'Land ahoy' after you've already arrived onshore?"

So first off, either Hau was knocked off the boat, or Mawile missed and he jumped off. Also, they seemed to have landed during this altercation, so you could back up this with saying that Hau landed on the shore. I know there is no point in changing it now, but for future reference it may help to describe a scene a little earlier.

Honestly, I like the way you are turning Pokémon (Moon? Since Calem started at night?) into a completely different story, while still staying relevant to what happened in the game. I like how you've turned a normally cheerful-for-no-reason character, into one that has a personality and a backstory. Your story makes me want to go out and catch a Cutiefly, and I don't even like that Pokémon. I expected your story to be something short, minorly creative, and probably not very intersting. I am wrong on all accounts.

Also, your character speaks more french than any "french" person in any movie that I've seen. There's no pretending of knowing a language, like only having Calem say "Non" or "Oui". You actually made it realistic.

Just be careful of moving from first person to third person. Your narrative suffers a bit from this, as you switch between the two. Your story in some parts can move from "He thought that.." to, "I thought about.." Etc. Sometimes within the same sentence.

"In fact, the entire section of the room Guzma is on is elevated above the half before the door. The irritation Calem felt while plowing through the Team Skull thugs is replaced with an intense sensation of self-loathing."

Self-loathing doesn't make sense here, he should be feeling anger towards Guzma, not hatred towards himself.

Violence ahead.
"Kakuna Hala with his stomach burst open impaled on a fence post with Tauros's head by his feet, Kakuna Oliva's decapitated body dyeing a nearby pool of water red, Professor Kukui limbless with his lifeless head being picked at by murkrow."

Excessive violence like this should be warned about beforehand.

 

I am stuck on chapter four of my fanfiction, Lucarious. If someone could review it, or the entire thing if they wished, and then tell me where i can make some edits to make it better, could you? I haven't posted a chapter in so long.
https://pastebin.com/E7qtwdD6

 

@Kaya

Quickly, he lifted his foot up and away from the egg, his head turned as he expected some repercussion for accidentally invading a nest, he readies his gun.

I'll have to rephrase this, as I'm not sure how else to explain, "Too many uses of the word, he or him." Also, the hunter could use a name, it would help to clear up using repeated words.

Quickly he lifted his foot up and away from the egg. Turning his head with the gun readied, the hunter waited for a dangerous repercussion for accidentally invading a nest.

The first thought that popped into his head was What are the chances that its parents will be back shortly?

You need a comma after was, and quotation marks to show thoughts and words. Either that, or some sort of variance to show it's different from the narrative.

as he decided to just hover about the egg, at least for a little while. Hours passed with still no sign of anyone or anything having looked for the egg.

At last he decided. Hours are not known to be "a little while." As he is a hunter, you can say that his experiences made him feel as if only a few minutes passed.

Perhaps I am scaring his guardians away? was his next thought.

A space and capitalization of was, is needed.

he could properly identify as a Riolu

"It" is needed after identify.

Before the woman could respond though, he quickly fumbled a response with his deep and gravelly voice “I’m sorry for disturbing your… uh… nursery. I must have accidentally dialed. Have a nice night.” before hanging up

He then hung up the call. Adding before is redundant.

Alright then, Lu it is…” he said, and then Lu pulled his arms out from under the blanket, and he tried to hug the man as he made a happy sound. “But it’s short for Louis.”
Quickly, Lu stopped hugging, and determinedly looked back into the eyes of the old man. “Lu!” he protested as best as he could with his highly limited vocabulary.
“Oh alright alright…” the guy said with a sly smirk. “It’s Lu…” and quickly, the Riolu made a happy sound and then went right back to hugging him with a big smile. “But it’s short for Lucas.” The Riolu, as fast as he went to happy and content, quickly went back to protesting. However, the man’s grin just grew as he thought up of some simple word-based entertainment.
“Lu!”
“Oh fine, it’s Lu…”
“Mmhhh!”
“But it’s short for Francis.”
“Lu!”
“Oh ok you win you win, Lu it is…”
“Mmmhh!”
“But it’s short for Lu.”

This was funny. The rest of the story came together really well, I like that it progressively got better.

 

I'd appreciate some feedback on my new story, Forgotten. It's a completed one-shot, so feel free to comment in the thread. I'm also happy to review something of yours in return, if you want!