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Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Morgaine, Feb 11, 2017.

  1. Momo Kisaragi

    Momo Kisaragi Prismatic Knight

    Riolu
    (Riolu)
    Level 29
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    Big Nugget ★★★★★Dragon Fang ★★★★Icy Rock ★★★
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  2. BZRich64

    BZRich64 Mustached Moderator

    Golden Lizard
    (Charmeleon)
    Level 37
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    I've been working on and off again on a short Pokémon fic for a few months now and finally finished a rough draft a while back. I feel like there's still some room for improvement, though, so I'd like to get some feedback on it to see how I can make it better.
    The door to the lab creaked open as Red stepped inside for what must have been at least the third time that day, this time carrying a small package that he had been asked to deliver. He closed the door behind him and walked between the aisles of bookshelves filled with all kinds of research notes and study journals that contained priceless information that Red was sure was well beyond his level of understanding, until he finally reached the other end of the lab, where Professor Oak was looking over a research paper.

    “Oh, Red!” The Professor said as he looked up and noticed the approaching trainer. “How is my old Pokémon doing?”

    Red held out the brown cardboard box that he had been given by the store clerk in Viridian City.

    “What? Is this for me?” The Professor set down his research paper and took the package from Red, examining it for a moment. “Ah, yes. This is the custom Pokéball that I had ordered. I was wondering when it would get here. Thank you, Red!”

    The sound of a door slamming shut suddenly echoed through the lab like the sound of thunder, followed by a series of loud footsteps.

    “Yo, Gramps! What did you call me for?”

    The Professor’s grandson, Blue Oak, had always been one to make his presence known and this was no exception. He walked up beside Red, shoving Red slightly as he stopped to wait for an answer from his grandfather.

    “Blue?” Professor Oak seemed a bit confused for a moment before suddenly remembering what he was talking about. “Oh, right! I have a request for the two of you.”

    The Professor set the package down on the table beside him and walked over to a desk propped up against the wall. Red and Blue both followed him as he picked up a pair of small red devices that were sitting on the desk.

    “This is my latest invention.” Professor Oak declared proudly. “I call it the Pokédex. It’s a high-tech Pokémon encyclopedia that will automatically record data on any Pokémon that you’ve caught. There was a time where making a complete guide on all of the Pokémon in the world was my dream, but I’m too old for that now. You two, on the other hand, would be perfect for the task. That’s why I want you each to take one of these with you and fill it out as you travel, to fulfill my old dream. This will be one of the greatest undertakings the history of Pokémon history!”

    Red accepted one of the small, handheld computers that the Professor handed out to them and held it carefully. He admired the sheer level of work that must have gone into making something like the Pokédex and looked back up to thank Professor Oak for trusting him with such an important task.

    “Alright, Gramps! Leave it all to me!” Blue snatched the other Pokédex from the Professor’s hand and turned to Red. “Sorry to say this, Red, but I’m afraid that you simply won’t be necessary for this. I know, I’ll borrow a map from my sis and tell her not to lend you one. Hahaha! Don’t even bother coming around to my place after this!”

    Red felt a terrible weight fall over his chest as Blue walked out of the lab, laughing. The happiness and excitement that he just had were swept away and replaced by doubt and the feeling of inferiority that Blue always managed to bring out in him.

    “I don’t know where I went wrong with that boy.” Professor Oak sighed and rubbed his temples in exasperation over his ill-mannered grandson’s behavior. “Please try not to let him get to you. You have just as much potential as a trainer as he does. Probably even a bit more, though don’t tell him that I said that. Now go out there, Red! Pokémon around the world are waiting for you!”

    Red nodded in appreciation and left, his initial feeling of excitement returning to him. As he stepped back outside, he felt a wave of triumph hit him like a strong gust of wind. Then he realized that it was the wind. He walked around the side of the lab and headed north toward Route 1, prepared to leave his hometown for the second time that morning. And this time, theoretically for good.

    He stopped as he walked past his house. Red had no idea when or if he would see his mother again. He took a step towards his childhood home but hesitated. He had already said goodbye to his mother that morning. If he stopped by to see her now, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to leave again. So, the young trainer made up his mind and turned away, mentally telling himself that it was for the best.

    Red now found himself staring directly at the house next door, where the Oak family lived. He remembered what Blue had said to him just a few minutes earlier, about not stopping by the house and getting a map from Daisy. A warm feeling suddenly washed through him and, before he even knew what he was doing, Red found himself knocking on the Oak’s front door.

    He froze and was about to turn around and run off, but was too late. The door opened and Daisy was standing there in front of him.

    “Hi, Red!” Daisy seemed happy, though slightly confused to see him. “My brother’s not here right now. I think he’s at Grampa’s lab.”

    “O-oh…” Red could feel his cheeks turn his namesake color.

    “But, uh, why don’t you come in? I just made some tea.”

    Daisy awkwardly motioned for Red to enter and Red, not really sure what he was doing, stepped inside. Daisy closed the door and headed into the kitchen, leaving Red to take a seat at the table.

    He looked around the Oak household. He had known the Oak family for longer than he could remember and felt like he had spent almost as much time here as he had in his own home. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of times when he and Blue used to play together when they were younger. He missed the days when they were still friends and wished he knew why Gary had changed so much since then.

    He didn’t have time to think about that for too long, though, before Daisy returned carrying a tray with a pot of herbal tea and two empty mugs. She placed the tray in the middle of the table and poured tea into the mugs. She then handed one to Red before sitting across from him.

    “So why did you stop by?” Daisy asked before picking up the other mug and taking a sip.

    “Um…” Red stared down at his tea, not knowing why he was there. “Well, I… don’t really know.”

    “Oh.”

    Red and Daisy both drank some from their tea as an awkward silence filled the room. Red had never particularly cared for tea that much, but for some reason it made him feel warm inside. And not just because the tea itself was hot.

    “So…” Daisy finally said after a moment. “I heard from Grandpa that he was going to give you a Pokémon this morning.”

    “Yeah, he did.” Red perked up.

    “I guess that means you’ll be heading off soon.” Daisy stared down at her tea again gloomily.

    “Yeah…” Red’s shoulders drooped.

    “Good for you.” Daisy smiled. “I’m sure it’ll be a good experience to go out and visit new places, see new things, make new friends.”

    “Yeah.” There was something about how Daisy said that last part that made Red feel a twinge of guilt.

    “Of course, it’ll be kind of quiet around here without you and my brother here.” Daisy took another sip.

    “I guess it will.” Red looked down gloomily. “I didn’t even think about that.”

    “No, it's fine.” Daisy realized that she said something that she didn’t mean to and try to backtrack. “I’ll be fine. Without my brother here I’ll actually get some more me time. I can actually do what I want to do without having to watch over him. You need to do what’s best for you.”

    “But won’t it get lonely around here without anyone else here around your age.”

    “I’ll be fine. I mean, Blue’s just a kid anyway, so it’s not like it would be that big a difference any-” Daisy froze.

    “Yeah, I guess we really are just kids.” Red stared down at his tea, any sense of warmth that he had suddenly dissipating.

    “No, that’s not what I meant.” Daisy said quickly. “I meant that he acts like a kid. He and you aren’t that much younger than me. I mean, I guess you are kind of young compared to me now but in, like, ten years it would barely seem like a difference.”

    “In ten years we’ll be almost twice as old as we are now.” Red pointed out. “And why would that even matter, anyway.”

    “I don’t know.” Daisy wasn’t even sure what she was saying at this point or why. “What were we talking about again?”

    “I don’t remember.” Red tried to think back to why he was even there.

    “Hey, Blue stopped by a little while ago to borrow a map and he mentioned something about filling a Pokédex.” Daisy remembered. “Do you know what that was about?”

    “Oh, right.” Red pulled out his own Pokédex. “The Professor asked us to catch as many Pokémon as we can to fill these with information about them.”

    “So Grandpa asked you to run an errand?” Daisy sighed. “How lazy of him. Hey, why don’t you take this.”

    Daisy got up and grabbed a small electronic device that was on top of one of the bookshelves on the far wall.

    “It’s a map showing all of the towns and routes and stuff in Kanto.” She said, handing it to Red. “It should be useful for you on your journey.”

    “Yeah.” Red stood up and accepted the Town Map from her. “Uh, thank you.”

    “Not a problem.” Daisy smiled, causing Red to feel uncomfortably warm.

    “I, uh, should probably get going now.” Red said awkwardly. “I have a long journey ahead of me, after all.”

    “I guess you do.”

    Daisy walked Red back to the front door. As Red stepped out the doorway he turned back to say goodbye. The two adolescents stared at each other awkwardly for an uncomfortably long moment, not really sure of what to say. Finally, Daisy leaned forward and gave Red a peck on the cheek. When she pulled back from him, her face was as red as Red’s felt.

    “Um, goodbye.” Daisy said nervously.

    “Bye.” Red responded, still processing what just happened.

    “Goodluckwithyourjourneycomebacksoon.” Daisy quickly slammed the door shut, nearly hitting Red with it in the process.

    Red continued to stand there for a while, staring at nothing. Finally, he found himself turned around and heading out on his way again. He was filled with a strange sensation that he had never felt before as he walked towards Route 1. A greater determination that he had felt before. It like he could and would accomplish anything he set his mind to. And with this new feeling, he left his hometown for the second time that day.
     
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  3. PoserPanda

    PoserPanda Collector

    SS EGG 4
    (Odd Egg (S))
    Level 4
    Joined:
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    Trainer Card - Cave Theme
    All of my stories need work, and editing. I would be very grateful if any amount of users can show me some or one of these things that I'm worried about.
    1. What I could add.
    2. What parts aren't interesting.
    3. Which parts don't make sense.
    4. How you might want things to turn out. [Which may effect the passage in the story, but not necessarily how the story ends.]

    The two stories that I am working on are linked. I haven't posted my third or fourth yet, as I'm not quite out of the rough-rough draft phase for them yet. And I don't like them, so I'm trying to avoid them.
    https://lakevalor.net/threads/carved-by-a-monster.23227/
    https://lakevalor.net/threads/magic-and-miscellaneous-questions.23750/
    I will probably post the third story after I'm done writing it on one of my many note pads.

    @BZRich64
    There are two parts that I wish to single out, that made me want to read your fan-fiction more than once.


    [As he stepped back outside, he felt a wave of triumph hit him like a strong gust of wind. Then he realized that it was the wind.]

    - This part is quite charming, and I must admit at this point I didn't think you would allow Red more than a passive voice, (I believe this is the correct term.) though it fit well so far. I wouldn't have minded reading your story that way, but giving Red dialogue made him less of a puppet with no soul, to a character worth reading about.

    [“No, that’s not what I meant.” Daisy said quickly. “I meant that he acts like a kid. He and you aren’t that much younger than me. I mean, I guess you are kind of young compared to me now but in, like, ten years it would barely seem like a difference.”

    “In ten years we’ll be almost twice as old as we are now.” Red pointed out. “And why would that even matter, anyway.”]

    -I remember having these exact kind of conversations when I was a kid. Aside from the obvious awkwardness as well, this part feels like real humans are having a conversation, instead of an NPC and a Main Character going through wordy but empty dialogue progressions. I think you have a good mind for writing, and that's different from just being able to tell a story. It is more cohesive.

    There's nothing here of use, I'm just using it to separate the feedback.

    @Enbuoh
    I don't quite understand the format of your story. It seems like it was typed to be a poem, so in that sense it feels exactly the way you have put it- as a free form collection. I almost feel like you're writing a script for a mini-series on tv, as if you can't quite contain what you're typing in words. It has to be published in an animated format for people to really understand- really feel what you have made.
     
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