1. Welcome to Lake Valor!
    Catch, train, and evolve Pokémon while you explore our community. Make friends, and grow your collection.

    Login or Sign Up

Review Game!

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Wings, May 9, 2018.

Tags:
  1. Wings

    Wings Dragon Tamer

    Static
    (Shinx)
    Level 17
    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2017
    Posts:
    771
    PokéPoints:
    ₽599.8
    Hi! So for those of you who saw this post in the Creative Zone (@Barandofl @Laserdragon14 @BraviaryScout @StOwl and @Nova Ozuka!), you already know this is a review game.
    Here are the rules:

    1. You post an excerpt from your story/work that must be longer than 10 words, but less than 5,000 (poems are welcome too!) inside a spoiler.
    2. BUT...before you post your own writing, you must review the person directly above you with helpful, specific critique. Make sure you let the person know their strengths and their weaknesses, and what exactly you notice in their writing (figurative language? Grammar issues? Flowing sentence structure?)
    3. When you post your excerpt, provide some context if it's from the middle of your story. Also provide details on your concerns about your writing!

    Here's an example:

    Context: A flashback where Sol, a boy who studied abroad in Unova, reflects on how he met his best friend Piper.
    Concerns: I'm mostly worried about whether or not this flashback seems boring or not. I also want to know if it makes sense--sometimes I rush the pacing of a story too much, and end up leaving out essential details.
    Sol could still remember the first day he’d met Piper.

    It had been his first week at Striaton Academy, a private pokémon school for the elite. Several students had only made it in on account of the heaping sums of money in their bank accounts, while others knew a friend who knew a friend who knew the dean of admissions, using their status to weasel their way into the academy.

    Sol considered himself a mixture of the two categories, though he hadn’t known it at the time. There was a third category of students, entirely independent of the first two, where he had thought he belonged.

    They were the students admitted for their competency.

    Piper had been one such student, who took multiple entrance exams to prove her aptitude. Not only had she passed the written exams, she had also passed the practical battle tests with flying colors. After careful consideration, the dean of admissions had allowed Piper and a few other middle class candidates to attend Striaton Academy.

    Sol, on the other hand, had hardly any battling experience. His Alolan accent had intrigued several other students at first, as did his financial status, but once they had discovered his weakness, battle classes became a nightmare.

    “What’s the point of having so much money, if you can’t even hold your own against a patrat?” they’d ask. “Why would anyone even bother keeping a pokémon who can’t battle?”

    Several students had no problem with him in the hallways, but once practical battle came around, they avoided him like he was a zubat in a cave. That was, until Piper had come along.

    Practical battle class had just ended, sending a stream of sweaty students down the halls. Sol had stood next to his locker, keeping an eye out to make sure his pokémon didn’t wander too far.

    “Hey, what’s this boy’s name?” Piper had trotted up to him in her unkempt uniform, splattered with dirt from a particularly intense terrain class, kneeling down to pet his only pokémon, a rockruff. “He looks super cool!” Most rockruff bore mild brown coats and clear blue eyes, but Sol’s rockruff had donned sleek blue fur.

    “His name is Rocky.”

    “Why don’t you ever use him in battles?” Piper had tilted her head curiously, standing so she could dust off her skirt. “Oh. Are you one of those trainers?” Worry had pooled in her dark eyes. “I knew there were some trainers who only kept pokémon like these as lapdogs, but...”

    “He’s not a lapdog,” Sol had said quietly, gently steering Rocky away from the girl with his foot. “He can’t battle.”

    “I’m sorry. What happened? Do you need to take him to a pokémon center?”

    “He’s been inbred to get this color. I adopted him from a rescue shelter not so long ago.” A strained pause followed, before Sol followed up with: “He’s got a couple health defects in his lungs, so he can’t battle.”

    “I’m sorry.” The repeated apology had seemed genuine that time, as Piper had gazed at him with determined eyes. “Still, that doesn’t change the fact that you need a battling pokémon, does it? And especially at this school—come on, I’ll catch you something temporary during lunch break!”

    Lunch break is only a half-hour away. Sol had scooped Rocky into his arms, clutching the panting pokémon tight to his chest. I think I can stand to make a new friend for the next thirty minutes.

    Piper turned out not to be his friend for thirty minutes, but for four years. She had been the only reason he passed practical battling with a B minus, even though she was two years younger. Now, the fact that she was moving to Alola filled Sol with joy to the point where he felt he would burst if he had to wait any longer to show her around the region. It was his turn to make Piper feel welcome.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. Nova Ozuka

    Nova Ozuka Black Belt

    Florus
    (Bulbasaur)
    Level 10
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2017
    Posts:
    225
    PokéPoints:
    ₽114.3
    @Wings: I'm no expert so sorry if I'm not much help, but I'm not really seeing anything wrong with it other than what Pokémon Piper caught for Sol is left unmentioned, but I'm sure it will be mentioned elsewhere, which will be fine. It does seem a little short though, but it works. Sure as heck beats it basically dragging on forever, speaking of my own experiences with writing.

    That being said, I suppose my turn is next. What I'm posting here is an unfinished chapter for Pokémon Resonance. My main concern is that I'm stuck and it's unfinished, which makes me worry that I will never finish the story as I've been stuck here longer than I can remember.

    Zero has the ability to understand Pokémon as will as detect their emotions, as a result I keep the Pokémon lines translated. Shade and Zephyr both escaped from a lab that experimented on them. Finally, Rio, Zero's Riolu possesses an ability I call Trance due to having played part way through Final Fantasy Explorers. Trance is a reaction that takes place when Rio is exposed to a Pokémon similar to a Shadow Pokémon. When Trance occurs, he temporarily evolves into Lucario, but loses control over his actions and his body basically just moves on its own. I think that should be enough context, so...

    Zero and Co finally set foot at the entrance of Union Cave. There, Zero tied an Escape Rope onto the signpost and kept the rest coiled around his arm. “Alright, we’re all set. If we get lost, we can double back to our rope as long as we stick together,” he told Cia, Shade, and Kalea as the rest of the Pokémon were safely in their Pokéballs.

    “Then let’s get moving,” Kalea responded. Zero took Cia’s hand and walked into the cave with her with Shade and Kalea following close behind. Zero frowned at the darkness ahead. He couldn’t really see too far in front of him.

    “Hey, Shade, take the lead from here. You can see better than we can,” he told the Umbreon. “Come to think of it, you’ve been through here once already, Kalea. Think you can lead us through to Azalea Town?” he then asked the Alolan girl.

    “It took me a whole day to get through here. We’ll just get lost if I lead,” she replied.

    “I think we’ll get lost anyway. After all, you’re the only one out of us who has been through here,” Zero pointed out as they followed Shade into the cave.

    “Fair point, but what made you choose to go through here to Azalea Town?” Kalea asked.

    “It was this or pass through Goldenrod twice. I don’t want to take my chances in Goldenrod More than once, and I’m thinking of just flying over Ekruteak once I have the Olivine and Cianwood Gym Badges,” Zero explained. “Of course by the time I’m ready for my seventh badge, I’ll probably be ready to take on Charlemagne head on.”

    “Sounds like a good plan,” Kalea nodded.

    “So, I already told you my story. What’s yours?” Zero asked.

    “It’s not much, but I grew up in the city on Melemele Island. Then one morning, while I was on the beach, I found a Z-Ring in the water. My eleventh birthday was coming up, so I decided right then and there to take the Island Challenge. After I got Kaihana and Roto, I took on my first trial. So far all of the trials have been pretty interesting. You’ll have to try the Island Challenge if you come to Alola,” Kalea told Zero.

    “I’ll think about it after I finish my Johto Gym Battles,” Zero replied.

    “About that, what made you pick Johto over Kanto? I mean, New Bark Town is pretty close to the border,” Kalea pointed out.

    “Unfortunately, it’s too dangerous to cross the border for inexperienced trainers,” Zero mentioned.

    “(Funny, Zephyr and I didn’t seem to have any trouble. But then again, we were probably at least half way across it to begin with, and it did involve getting capture by Charlemagne,)” Shade commented.

    “Oh yeah, I suppose trashing that lab will come before any trip to Alola too. Can’t have the people that did this to you to keep doing whatever they want, now can we?” Zero asked. Shade shook his head.

    “Grooooooar!”

    “What the heck was that?” Zero asked.

    “(That roar belongs to an Onix. I remember it from when I was with Carol back in Kanto,)” Shade answered.

    “An Onix?” Zero questioned.

    “Bzzzt! Thatzzzt my cue!” Roto exclaimed as he displayed Onix’s data on his Pokédex screen. “Onix, the Rock Snake Pokémon. Onix tunnels under the ground at over 50 miles per hour, which causes tremors. It’s stone body becomes hard as diamond as it grows.”

    “Almost 29 feet? That’s massive!” Zero commented.

    “Uhh maybe we should turn around,” Kalea suggested nervously.

    “Nah, between Rose, Liefa, River, Kaihana, and Rio we can take it easily,” Zero pointed out. Then a high-pitched howl came from within the cave.

    “That was a Rockruff!” Kaihana exclaimed in recognition. Roto promptly switched Pokédex pages.

    “Rockruff, the Puppy Pokémon. Rockruff are known for their exceptional sense of smell and will never forget an odor it has smelled even only once. They are considered a good Pokémon for beginners because of their friendliness, but they grow violent and aggressive as they mature. They rub the rocks against others as a sign of affection,” Roto explained.

    “One must have followed my family here from Alola,” Kalea deduced.

    “Whatever the case, it must be in trouble. Come on!” Zero told everyone. They began running through the cave, the sounds of battle reaching their ears as they approached. They arrived in time to see the Rockruff crash to the ground with a yelp.

    “(W-Why are you doing this?)” the Rockruff asked her attacker. As the Onix towered over the Puppy Pokémon, Zero felt something very familiar and very wrong about that Onix as he reached for Rio’s Heal Ball.

    “That’s enough!”

    “Ursula, use Brick Break!”

    Just as Zero had called out to gain the Onix’s attention, an Ursaring of all things leapt toward the Onix’s head with a glowing fist. As Ursula punched the Onix in the side of its jaw, it fell over. The Ursaring’s trainer was a boy older than Zero with spiky red hair, green eyes, a yellow vest and a blue headband. He wore strange machine on his left arm. “Go, Pokéball!”

    Much to Zero’s horror, the boy had chosen to throw a Pokéball at the Onix. Much to the boy’s surprise, Shade had bolted into the ball’s path and caught it with his mouth.

    “Hey, control your Umbreon!” the boy shouted.

    “Excuse me? First, Shade isn’t my Umbreon, and second, we were just about to handle this when you barged in!” Zero shot back.

    “Guys?” Kalea tried to get their attention.

    “I’ll have you know that you are interfering with international police business!” the boy pointed out.

    “Guys!” Kalea tried again.

    “Oh please. Even if you are with the international police, which I doubt, I’ve been involved in this a lot longer than you!” Zero spat.

    “GROOOOOOAR!”

    Now, obviously the roar at the end means the Onix recovered. I'm struggling to figure out what exactly I should write next. Basically, what needs to happen regarding the Onix is that Zero lets Rio out of his ball so Trance can trigger, and also a cave-in occurs during the incident, causing the group to get separated. I was going to just have him whip out Rio's ball immediately in responce to the Onix, but I worry that it might come off as rushed. Plus, I got stuck right after that too.

    10 points if you can figure out the identity of Ursula's Trainer.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. Wings

    Wings Dragon Tamer

    Static
    (Shinx)
    Level 17
    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2017
    Posts:
    771
    PokéPoints:
    ₽599.8
    Hi! Sorry this response is a bit late, I’ve been catching up on a lot of schoolwork since I’ve been sick the past week.

    I really like what you’ve written so far. For your current excerpt, I’d recommend cutting out dialogue tags unless they reveal something about your character’s personality.

    For example, “he barked”, “he snapped,” would reveal something about the temperament of each character, but “told” or “asked” doesn’t do much. Instead, you can replace those dialogue tags with an action. You made a good example of this when you wrote:

    “Guys!” Kalea tried to get their attention.

    This could be taken to the next step by showing how Kalea tries to get their attention, such as:

    “Guys!” Kalea glanced back and forth between the trainers, waving her hand in front of Zero’s face.

    Or something like that, whatever suits your character! That’s the only suggestion I have for your current excerpt. The story itself feels exciting and like it’s going somewhere, so from here, I’d recommend:

    Option a) The trainers face the Onix together. This option allows for a Pokémon battle scene, which would help reveal the new character’s ability in battle.

    Option b) The trainers run. I like this option because it moves the story forward, and the trainers can regroup at the end to catch up on what happened.

    I really hope this helped!! Now the next person can post an excerpt :)
     
  4. Talarc

    Talarc Camper

    Muro
    (Whismur)
    Level 1
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2014
    Posts:
    33
    PokéPoints:
    ₽166.4
    Is this thread still active?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. Nova Ozuka

    Nova Ozuka Black Belt

    Florus
    (Bulbasaur)
    Level 10
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2017
    Posts:
    225
    PokéPoints:
    ₽114.3
    Honestly? I've been waiting someone else to post here to post again, since wings hadn't posted an excerpt or gotten back to me when I asked if I should just go again.
     
  6. Talarc

    Talarc Camper

    Muro
    (Whismur)
    Level 1
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2014
    Posts:
    33
    PokéPoints:
    ₽166.4
    Well if you've got an excerpt that you wanted feedback on, then I'm happy to do that. I was hoping to get some feedback on a recent piece of writing myself, hence why I stopped by here.
     
  7. Nova Ozuka

    Nova Ozuka Black Belt

    Florus
    (Bulbasaur)
    Level 10
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2017
    Posts:
    225
    PokéPoints:
    ₽114.3
    Finally found it! I started working on this project, but I couldn't remember where it was saved. Naturally, I worked on it more once I found it. This story takes place during Pokémon Resonance, and is fittingly titled Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Dissonance. The story starts off following Ashelyn as she tries to adapt to life as a Mareep after being turned into a Pokémon and her travels with a human-hating Treecko named Lin, who also came from the same world as Ashe but was already a Pokémon to begin with.

    I think my main concern is that I'm not quite sure how I want them to meet the third member of their group yet, an energetic Charmander named Haruto. I've got the where and why, but not the how.
    It was just a typical night in Unova for Ashelyn. Though unlike most nights, Ashe’s parents were having a hayride. She was enjoying the nighttime autumn air as she rode on a trailer filled with hay, which was being hauled by a tractor. All was well.

    …Or at least it was until they hit a bump in the road. With a gasp, Ashe fell backwards off the trailer toward a slope at the edge of a creek.
    ______________________________

    Ashe woke up to the sensation of something dragging her across the ground as she lay on her stomach. What she was being dragged by wasn’t clear to her as she felt nothing on her legs, and nothing else made sense given the direction her body was moving, yet she felt the hands of the creature that was pulling her.

    She opened her eyes as she tried to get up, but when she tried standing on her own two feet; she fell over.

    “Whoa now,” a voice said. Whoever it belonged to probably thought that Ashe was trying to free herself, but that was step 2.

    Step 1 was standing on her own two feet, but that oddly didn’t seem possible. Instead she opted to prop herself up onto her knees with her arms. As she did this, the creature holding her let go.

    “I’m glad to see you’ve finally woken up,” the voice sounded again before the creature-a Treecko, Ashe amended mentally as she remembered her cousin from Hoenn bringing one with him during one of his visits-stepped into view. “Now I can find out who I’m dealing with here,” the Treecko spoke.

    A-A talking Treecko? Ashe thought in surprise. “Who are you, and why were you dragging me?” she asked.

    “I go by Lin. I found you out cold, so I started dragging you to the nearest town,” the Treecko explained.

    “My name’s Ashelyn, but everyone calls me Ashe,” Ashe replied. The Treecko grimaced.

    “Ugh. A human name,” Lin grumbled in distaste.

    “The last thing I remember is falling off a trailer when it hit a bump, and now I’m here,” Ashe explained.

    “…A trailer? Ashe, where do you live?” Lin asked.

    “Um… I live near a farm,” Ashe answered, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Lin fell silent as begin to pace back and forth. Just as she was about to ask what was wrong, she noticed the end of a tail on the ground. “…Lin, is there a Mareep behind me somewhere?” Ashe asked, snapping Lin from his thoughts.

    “Hm? No, you’re the only Mareep here,” Lin responded. Hearing this, Ashe looked herself over.

    I-I’m a Mareep?! …That explains a lot actually. Lin isn’t a talking Treecko. I just understand him because I’m a Pokémon now, but is that why I’m speaking in full sentences now? Ashe wondered. “Huh, so I am,” she said mostly to herself. “Where are we anyway?”

    “We’re on the Sand Continent and extremely far from home,” Lin answered. Ashe’s eyes widened.

    “Wait so… we’re not in Unova?!” Ashe gasped.

    “Nope, and we’re not in Kalos either. I thought there was no way back home, but now that you’re here, I know that there has to be some sort of way back home,” Lin replied. “Although, I’m not sure I want to go back to our world even if I could. The noticeable lack of humans in this one suits me just find. It’s just… Well there’s sand everywhere. I can’t make enough money to go to one of the other continents by myself.”

    So Lin doesn’t like humans. That much was clear, but Ashe could ask about it later. There was something else to focus on. “You think we can get back home if we tried?” she asked.

    “No idea how we can. We probably won’t, especially not by ourselves. I’m struggling just to fend for myself, so you can imagine how it would go if I were to look for a way home,” Lin explained.

    He said probably, but that only means it must be a long shot, not impossible, Ashelyn thought. “Well there might be a way back if we ask around. There’s just two problems. The first is we don’t know who to ask.”

    “And the other is that we can’t just go around telling people about being from another world,” Lin finished. “But if I had to guess on who to ask, I would say one of the guilds, but the nearest one would take us to the other side of the continent, and we’d have to cross the ocean for the rest.”

    “I’d say the closest guild is probably best. Traveling across the ocean might be expensive,” Ashe suggested.

    “We would need to find someone to travel with. Being farm raised, you probably don’t have much fighting experience,” Lin pointed out. “Can you walk?”

    “Not very well, I think,” Ashe admitted. It wasn’t like the former human had much experience walking on four legs. She carefully lifted herself onto her four legs. “Right, lead the way to the nearest town.”
    Now the plan from here is to move on to their arrival at Sahra Town, the first place you visit when you go to the Sand Continent in PSMD. I'm just not sure about how they end up meeting Haruto.
     
  8. Talarc

    Talarc Camper

    Muro
    (Whismur)
    Level 1
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2014
    Posts:
    33
    PokéPoints:
    ₽166.4
    For the record, I have no experience with PMD games after Gates to Infinity, though I don’t believe that has gotten in the way.

    Overall, it seems like a perfectly decent opening. Lin is the stronger of the two characters so far and I feel like you’ve been fairly clear when showing his personality and traits. His reaction to Ashe’s ‘human’ name was a good way to showcase what I’m assuming will be a big part of his character.

    Ashe is weaker at the moment. She seems to react rather weakly to the whole being turned into a pokémon business – not “happens all the time” level, but she still accepts what’s happening rather easily. If she’s just good at not outwardly reacting to shocking developments, then maybe you could show it through her inner monologue instead. Relatedly, I don’t feel like the opening section in Unova really had a purpose. It seems better to start a PMD story when the protagonist wakes up as a pokémon – unless, of course, you want to establish details about the person they were before that will play a part in the story going forwards.

    I did like the part where Ashe reflects on her unfamiliarity with walking on four legs and I hope you continue to include small difficulties like this for her in the story.

    I’m not really getting much of a sense of location either. It was only when Lin mentioned that they’re on the Sand Continent that I learned that they were surrounded by sand. I’d have thought that this very different kind of scenery would be among the first things Ashe would notice upon regaining consciousness – she’d certainly see it before realising she’d turned into a mareep! Try to avoid over-relying on the reader’s familiarity with game locations.

    The plot seems to be set up nicely and it’s interesting to have a partner who also came from the ‘other’ world but was already a pokémon then. I have to wonder how long a partnership between Ashe and Lin can last though since it looks like Lin most likely won’t share Ashe’s goal of returning to the other world. Something to think about when their shared goal of getting to the nearest guild is complete, if you haven’t already.

    As far as introducing Haruto is concerned, it’s difficult for me to give much advice because you haven’t told me much about the character. If you’ve already got the ‘where’ and ‘why’, then perhaps you could have them meet in a way that shows off a core part of Haruto’s personality. If they’re energetic, then maybe they end up crashing into Ashe and Lin as they’re trying to enter a building (a bit cliched, but you get the idea). I’m not sure if there’s anything more I can really do to help here.

    Now it's my turn. Fortunately, you don't need much context here: this is intended to be a short section introducing one of the characters in the rewrite of my main fic, so all the information you need should be in the excerpt itself...

    Livvi Weston was humming cheerfully as she lay on her bed. Clutched in her hand was a small card bearing her name, picture and trainer ID number. It was shiny and brand new - it had arrived in the post earlier that very day. She couldn’t stop touching it, enjoying the sensation of new plastic on her fingertips.

    “It’s finally arrived!” she said gleefully. “Take a look, Evoro!” She held the card out to the disinterested eevee sat on her pillow.

    Evoro opened one eye, then closed it and turned his face away from her. He started carefully grooming himself.

    “Are you still cross with me?” Livvi asked. “I tried to persuade Daddy to get you a Luxury Ball, but he said that the Friend Ball was even more special - he got it shipped in specially from Johto…” She reached out to pat the eevee’s head.

    He growled at her and shifted away out of her reach.

    Livvi giggled. “Oh, Evoro! You’re so silly sometimes!” She got off the bed and walked over towards her desk. Tomorrow morning, she’d be setting off on her adventures at last! She was going to travel the Kanto region and see everything it had in store for her. There were so many amazing places that she’d never seen before - it was going to be so much fun!

    She couldn’t stop herself from smiling as she glanced down at her bag. Her parents had bought it for her earlier in the week. Top of the range: it had a compact design but comfortably fit all of the things Livvi would need on her travels inside. Wind and rainproof, it also had padded straps that would stop it cutting into her shoulders and extra ones that would clip into place across her chest and waist to help spread the weight and keep her back from hurting.

    She couldn’t wait to use it tomorrow!

    “Livvi! Come down - it’s time for dinner!”

    Hearing her mother’s voice from downstairs, Livvi pulled herself back to reality and headed for the door. She paused to wave at Evoro, who ignored her, before going downstairs.

    As she reached the doorway to the dining room, she stuck her head through before immediately jerking it back again. After a couple of silent seconds passed, she cautiously looked through the door again.

    “Where are Lallo and Tessa?” she asked suspiciously, glancing around as she joined her parents at the dinner table. Her older sister's squirtle normally never missed a chance to blast her with a jet of cold water whenever they crossed paths.

    “Did you forget?” Her father gave her an amused look. “Tessa set off with her team this morning - said she wanted to get on the road before all the new trainers start.”

    “Oh, of course!” Livvi’s face brightened and she started digging in.

    “Still, I’m a little disappointed in her.” Livvi’s mother frowned. “I told her that I was hoping she’d look out for you when you started your journey…”

    “No way!” Livvi exclaimed. “She’d spend all her time bullying me!”

    “Well, it’s just, you know, you’re not really used to travelling,” her mother replied.

    Livvi pouted and looked across at her parents with sulky eyes. “You’re saying that I should just stay at home?”

    “Not at all, sweetie!” her father quickly assured her. “I’m sure you’ll have a great time!”

    This satisfied Livvi and she happily returned to eating her dinner. The topic of conversation turned to more mundane things - her parents recounting their days at work, plans to see family members later in the summer, and a little bit about the fantastic end-of-year school report that Livvi had brought home the previous day.

    “I’m going to go up and get ready for bed now,” Livvi said as she finished her meal. She stood up and left the room to drop off her plate in the kitchen.

    “You spoil her too much,” her mother said quietly, shooting a disapproving look at her husband. “How much did that Friend Ball cost?”

    “I know, I know,” he replied, a guilty smile on his face as he avoided answering her question. “It’s just hard to say ‘no’ to that face. Besides, you do it too.”

    “W-well, only a little,” she said quickly. “Not as much as you do.” She lowered her voice as Livvi passed by in the hall and started climbing the stairs. “I just hope that she’ll be alright out on the road by herself. Why did we have to live so close to Viridian Forest?”

    “Well, this is what she wants, isn’t it?” Livvi’s father smiled, taking his wife’s hand. “It’s hard to accept, but she’s growing up.”

    “But she’s not grown up yet,” Livvi’s mother replied with a sigh. Her gaze fell on the family picture hanging on the wall and lingered on her two daughters, both grinning widely for the camera. “Neither of them are, really.”

    What's most important to me is that all of the core information is getting across through the characters' words, actions and possessions etc. Obviously, if anything is unclear or there are things that don't make sense, then I want to hear about it!
     
    #8 Oct 9, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2018
  9. Nova Ozuka

    Nova Ozuka Black Belt

    Florus
    (Bulbasaur)
    Level 10
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2017
    Posts:
    225
    PokéPoints:
    ₽114.3
    @Talarc Well, it seems obvious enough that Livvi is a new trainer. Evoro seems like he's going to be difficult with her early on. Her sister seems like she's going to be her rival. I failed to notice that she was going to be travelling all over Kanto despite 4 things pointing to it: Evoro, Tessa's Squirtle, the mention of Viridian Forest near the end, and Kanto being stated outright a few paragraphs in.

    I just failed to notice it until rereading a few times, but that's probably just me. It seems clear enough if you pay attention. Going by Evoro's Pokéball, it looks like you're possibly setting him up to evolve into Espeon or Umbreon.

    As for my next excerpt. It's basically the same, but I went back added some more detail, and I left out the beginning part this time since I hadn't changed it any. I also added more while I was waiting for the review. There isn't really any new context, except that it take place some time after Super, which I merely neglected to mention before.

    My smallest concerns are if I should've bothered trying to name the Scizor and Froslass from Explorers. Froslass may not even appear, and Scizor won't be seen much anyway. I don't think I have any major concerns though aas I think I've figured out how I wanted to introduce Haruto and just haven't gotten around to writing it.

    Ashe woke up to the sensation of something dragging her across the ground as she lay on her stomach. What she was being dragged by wasn’t clear to her as she felt nothing on her legs, and nothing else made sense given the direction her body was moving, yet she felt the hands of the creature that was pulling her. The second thing she was aware of was that it was very hot.

    She opened her eyes as she tried to get up, but when she tried standing on her own two feet; she fell over.

    “Whoa now,” a voice said. Whoever it belonged to probably thought that Ashe was trying to free herself, but that was step 2.

    Step 1 was standing on her own two feet, but that oddly didn’t seem possible. Instead she opted to prop herself up onto her knees with her arms. As she did this, the creature holding her let go.

    “I’m glad to see you’ve finally woken up,” the voice sounded again before the creature-a Treecko, Ashe amended mentally as she remembered her cousin from Hoenn bringing one with him during one of his visits-stepped into view with a small satchel. “Now I can find out who I’m dealing with here,” the Treecko spoke.

    A-A talking Treecko? Ashe thought in surprise. “Who are you, and why were you dragging me?” she asked.

    “I go by Lin. I found you out cold, so I started dragging you to the nearest town,” the Treecko explained.

    “My name’s Ashelyn, but everyone calls me Ashe,” Ashe replied. The Treecko grimaced.

    “Ugh. A human name,” Lin grumbled in distaste.

    “The last thing I remember is falling off a trailer when it hit a bump, and now I’m here,” Ashe explained.

    “…A trailer? Ashe, where do you live?” Lin asked.

    “Um… I live near a farm,” Ashe answered, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Lin fell silent as begin to pace back and forth. Just as she was about to ask what was wrong, she noticed the end of a tail on the ground… and what was with all of the sand? “…Lin, is there a Mareep behind me somewhere?” Ashe asked, snapping Lin from his thoughts.

    “Hm? No, you’re the only Mareep here,” Lin responded. Hearing this, Ashe looked herself over.

    I-I’m a Mareep?! …That explains a lot actually. Lin isn’t a talking Treecko. I just understand him because I’m a Pokémon now, but is that why I’m speaking in full sentences now? Ashe wondered. “Huh, so I am,” she said mostly to herself. “Where are we anyway?”

    “We’re on the Sand Continent and extremely far from home,” Lin answered. Ashe’s eyes widened.

    “Wait so… we’re not in Unova?!” Ashe gasped. Unova at least had a desert, so it was at least within the realm of possibility to end up in the desert without any memory as to how she ended up there. She was still feeling a little groggy, so she hadn’t even realized the change of scenery at first.

    “Nope, and we’re not in Kalos either. I thought there was no way back home, but now that you’re here, I know that there has to be some sort of way back home,” Lin replied. “Although, I’m not sure I want to go back to our world even if I could. The noticeable lack of humans in this one suits me just fine. It’s just… Well there’s sand everywhere. I can’t make enough money to go to one of the other continents by myself.”

    So Lin doesn’t like humans. That much was clear. Ashe could ask about it later. It was fortunate that she hadn’t reacted outwardly the same most people would to being turned into a Pokémon. She would have to avoid revealing that part for now, but there was something else to focus on. “You think we can get back home if we tried?” she asked.

    “No idea how we can. We probably won’t, especially not by ourselves. I’m struggling just to fend for myself, so you can imagine how it would go if I were to look for a way home,” Lin explained.

    He said probably, but that only means it must be a long shot, not impossible,
    Ashelyn thought. “Well there might be a way back if we ask around. There are just two problems. The first is we don’t know who to ask.”

    “And the other is that we can’t just go around telling people about being from another world,” Lin finished. “But if I had to guess on who to ask, I would say one of the guilds, but the nearest one would take us to the other side of the continent, and we’d have to cross the ocean for the rest.”

    “I’d say the closest guild is probably best. Traveling across the ocean might be expensive,” Ashe suggested.

    “We would need to find someone to travel with. Being farm raised, you probably don’t have much fighting experience,” Lin pointed out. “Can you walk?”

    “Not very well, I think,” Ashe admitted. It wasn’t like the former human had much experience walking on four legs. She carefully lifted herself onto her four legs. “Right, lead the way to the nearest town.”
    _____________________________________________​

    The two Pokémon had arrived at Sahra Town after a few hours. Ashe was overcome come amazement and surprise. It was a town in the desert, but populated entirely by Pokémon. She had never seen anything like it before.

    “Yeah, I was in awe when I saw my first town in this world too,” Lin said as he observed Ashe’s awestruck expression.

    “I was expecting Pokémon that live without humans to be more wild,” Ashe admitted.

    “Oh, don’t get me wrong, this world has its fair share of wild Pokémon, but they mostly live in ever changing areas known as Mystery Dungeons,” Lin explained.

    “I guess we’re bound to go through one before we reach the guild.”

    “Which is why we’re looking for someone to help use get there. We find someone, make it to the guild, and form a 3 mon team. You’ll need more than just me to watch your back after all,” Lin pointed out.

    “Well, aren’t you a fresh face,” a white winged Pokémon said as she landed. She stood taller than Ashe and Lin, even if Ashe could stand on her back legs with Lin standing on her shoulders and had blue and red accents on her body. “What brings a Mareep to the Sand Continent?”

    “We’re looking to join the guild, and we’re kind of stranded here,” Lin explained to the newcomer.

    “Ah, so you washed up on the shores then. I suppose I could fly you there if you want,” the white Pokémon offered.

    “I’m afraid we won’t be able to do much as a team just yet. Ashe here isn’t any good at fighting or exploring yet, and I can’t exactly watch her back all the time. We need a third if we want to earn our keep,” Lin elaborated. The white Pokémon grimaced.

    “I’m afraid that makes it tricky to keep my offer open. It’s very unlikely that anyone you can find to go with you will be light enough for me to carry with both of you,” she pointed out.

    “Maybe we could find a Flying Type that’s interested?” Ashe suggested.

    “If that doesn’t go well today, I can check back tomorrow,” the white Pokémon offered.

    “We’re broke and can barely afford more than a few apples. If we don’t set out today, we may be forced to steal food, and we all know what happens after that,” Lin pointed out.

    “Dear me, this is a sticky situation. I suppose the best I can offer is to send for an escort team,” the white Pokémon said as she put her wing tip to her mouth. “Unfortunately, it’s a two day trip to the Radiance Guild from Sahra Town and vice versa.”

    “So the best they could do is meet us halfway,” Ashe noted.

    “Make it happen. Better to go on foot so Ashe can have some practice than to be completely unprepared when we join the guild,” Lin responded.

    “Alright, I’ll get the best escorts I can for desert travel that we have to offer at the Radiance Guild,” the white Pokémon announced. She then flapped her wings as she took off. “I wish you luck!” she called down as she flew overhead.

    “You should wait in the café and try to cool off. I’ll lead you there before finding a recruit,” Lin suggested.

    “I appreciate it. My wool makes the desert heat unbearable,” Ashe responded. She paused for a moment. “Maybe one of the Pokémon in town can sheer some of it off. It would make it harder to fight since I won’t be able to store as much electricity, but being in a desert region…”

    “Your Electric Type moves won’t be very effective to most things found in the Mystery Dungeons anyway,” Lin agreed.

    And so Ashe followed Lin to the café. When she set foot inside, she was surprised to see how much it looked like one from the world she came from. Granted, it appeared more old-fashioned than the ones she was used to. Working the counter was a large brown Pokémon.

    “Hello, welcome to Café Connection,” she greeted upon noticing Lin and Ashe, who walked up to the counter. Lin pulled some gold coins from his satchel with a symbol carved into them, which Ashe recognized from her world, and placed them on the counter.

    “Something cold to drink for my Mareep friend, please,” Lin ordered.

    So that’s what the money here looks like, Ashe noted. Wait, we’re friends already? We barely know anything about each other. Then again I GUESS we do need to stick together anyway, being from the same world and all.

    “I’ll see what I can find,” the brown Pokémon said as she took the coins. She then began scanning the shelf behind her. Lin then walked Ashe to one of the tables.

    “I’ll meet you back here before nightfall. Rest up here until I get back,” he told Ashe.

    “Right. While you’re looking for someone to travel with us, I’ll see if I can find someone to sheer off some of my wool.” After Lin left the café, Ashe looked around the room. The only thing more surprising than seeing so many Pokémon in Sahra Town was seeing so many Pokémon she was unfamiliar with in one place. Eventually she spotted a tall metallic Pokémon. “Hey you! The red Bug-Type! Can you come over here for a second?” she called over.

    The Pokémon was indeed a bug like Pokémon, but with a red metallic body. He had yellow eyes and three spikes atop his head. He also had pincers at end of his arms. “What is it?” he asked.

    “Are your pincers sharp?” Ashe asked.

    “Uh, yeah? Why?” the Pokémon responded nervously.

    “Do you think you could sheer off some of my wool for me? I need to travel to the guild, and my wool makes desert travel difficult,” Ashe requested.

    “I can try, but why the guild on the Sand Continent?” the bug asked.

    “I washed up here and don’t have a way to the others,” Ashe answered. “Just give me a few moments to try and discharge the electricity stored in my wool first,” she warned. Growing up near her grandparents’ farm, she knew a lot about Mareep and other Pokémon common to farms, like where Mareep store and generate their electricity.

    Right, I haven’t been a Mareep long, so I shouldn’t have much electricity stored… Just have to concentrate,
    she reflected. Within a few moments, electricity arced around her body. A few moments later, it stopped. “Okay, I think that’s all of it. Whenever you’re ready,” she told the red Pokémon.

    “Are you sure that’s all? You don’t look like you’ve done much fighting, and you’re much too old to have just hatched from an egg,” the bug pointed out before reaching out with his pincers.

    “I’m sure. Just make sure to leave some wool,” Ashe responded. The red bug carefully dug into Ashe’s wool with his pincers and began clipping.

    “Do you have a name?” he asked.

    “You can call me Ashe.”

    “I’m the explorer Scizor.”

    “Explorer? So you’ve been to the guild?” Ashe asked.

    “Kid, it would be easier to list all of the places I haven’t been than the places I have been,” Scizor pointed out. “I’m usually hanging around my friend Frosslass on the Mist Continent, but I heard of a new Mystery Dungeon here on the Sand Continent. Anyway, yes, I’ve been to the Radiance Guild.”

    “Think you can escort me and my friend there?” Ashe asked.

    “Sorry, but I can only take you halfway,” Scizor said.

    “That’s okay, we have an escort team meeting us half way,” Ashe replied.

    “When do we leave?” Scizor asked.

    “Today. My friend is off recruiting a third member for the team we’re forming, but he should be back before nightfall,” Ashe answered.

    “Got a name for your Exploration Team yet?” Scizor asked.

    “Not yet. Why?”

    “Well if you don’t pick one out before registering at a guild, they’ll assign one to you,” Scizor warned. Ashe didn’t seem to think of it as a warning, but more of a convenience. “I think I’m done. What do you think?” Ashe gave herself a once over. The majority of her wool having been sheered away revealed some more of the blue fur it covered. Her wool now seemed to be just a few inches thick.

    “Much better. Thanks,” Ashe asked. A small gray version of the Pokémon at the counter walked over with a cup.

    “Here’s your order,” she said.

    “Thanks,” Ashe responded as the cup was placed on the table. Its contents were a greenish blue liquid. “So bitter!” she coughed upon sipping some through the straw.

    “It must have some Rawst Berry juice. Rawst Berries cure burns and its juices have a cooling effect. So it’s a popular drink ingredient out here, and the same goes for Duran Berry juice, which have the same cooling effects without the healing properties,” Scizor explained.

    “I’ve tried a Rawst Berry before, but I’ve never had anything with a bitter flavor this strong,” Ashe commented.

    “I’d say it definitely has Duran Berry juice too,” Scizor amended.

    Okay… Ashe thought she drank her smoothie. Or at least it tasted like one. What the heck was this very bitter drink? Let’s think about my situation. I’m in a world that I know next to nothing about, full of Pokémon without humans. There are Mystery Dungeons probably everywhere. I’m a four-legged Pokémon with no experience walking on four legs. I’m in a desert region, which is hot and have a lot of rock and ground types, and I’m a Mareep, which are electric-types known for their wool. I don’t have a way home yet.

    I turned into a Pokémon I know plenty about. I can learn more about this world while I’m here. I can speak with Pokémon, something that probably no human from my world can say they’ve done before. Oh, and the disability I had in my world? It just doesn’t seem to exist. I mean sure, I’m still having issues expressing myself and I’m still kind of socially awkward, but those can work themselves out.

    Is it because I’m a Pokémon now? Would I turn back into a human if I go home? …Do I really want to go back home-back to just not being like everyone else-just to see my friends and family, or do I want to stay here and be at least somewhat average? Ashe found herself wondering as she reflected on everything so far. Lin and I came from another world… maybe there are others who came from our world? If there are, we should look for them and help them, even if we decide to stay.

    …How long will I have to hide being a human from Lin?

    _________________________________________________________​

    Lin strolled through Sahra Town to the Kecleon Shop. “Welcome!” the Kecleon greeted.

    “Don’t you have any apples in stock?” Lin asked.

    “I’m sorry, but we don’t. You know how scarce they are on the Sand Continent,” the Kecleon replied. “They certainly don’t keep too well out here, and nobody has sold me any today.”

    “Scarce my tail. Every time I come, you almost always seem to have nothing but TMs. Yet, every time I end up in a Mystery Dungeon, I always see at least one apple even here on the Sand Continent,” Lin pointed out. “I know you have apples, and I certainly have enough money to buy some, but I can’t get any food if nobody sells it to me.” The Kecleon sighed.

    “Fine, if you need apples I have some, but they aren’t very fresh,” he replied.

    “How much for four?”

    “Hm… Tell you what, I’ll sell you four for 60 Poké,” Kecleon offered.

    “Deal.”

    Unbeknownst to Lin, an orange figure was watching him from a distance. “Wasn’t he one of the two Pokémon I saw hanging around with Dayo?” he asked himself. He wanted to greet the Togekiss earlier, but he was busy trying to get supplies. Now that I think about it, do I have enough to get me to the guild? he reflected. Nah, not unless I go through a dungeon to get more. Not sure I can do that alone.

    He thought back to when he had lost sight of the Treecko and the Mareep as they entered the café. …Oh, maybe those two are gearing up for a trip too. I should ask, but maybe I should check to see if the café got any mail for me first, he decided.
     

Share This Page