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Original Running at Night + Introduction

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Captain Comet, Jul 24, 2020.

  1. Captain Comet

    Captain Comet Fallen Star Baby

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    Basic Gary Oak ★Rage Candy Bar ★★★Jaw Fossil ★★★Galladite ★★★★
    Whelp this is a thing now. I've decided to start writing basically because it's like, the only thing I want to do to that I can start doing right now. Everything else I'm interested in I have to learn.

    Very little, if anything, I write will be connected at all. I'm just starting out and have trouble with committing to stuff in the long run, do I'll just be doing a bunch of short stories whenever the mood strikes me. They will also probably never be based of anything either; it'll all be original.

    Anywho, on to my first story. I won't be adding anything to it later, so go ahead and provide feedback here. It is appreciated. Let's begin.

    Amanda ran through the forest. The darkness of the night surrounded her, just barely warded off by the light of her lantern. It was as if she had a small bubble around her, about ten feet across, with everything outside of that bubble being irrelevant. Intangible. Nonexistant. Everything that is, except for what was chasing her.

    She wasn't quite sure what it was. She had never gotten a good look at it. But she could hear it. Whatever it was, it was big. And it wasn't slowing down. So neither could she. She continued running, dodging trees as they entered her lantern's bubble, her short auburn hair bouncing against her ears and neck.

    It was still following her. She couldn't tell if it was getting closer, but she definitely wasn't outrunning it. She was breathing hard and fast, and her heart felt like it was about to pop out of her chest. She didn't know how long she could keep going. As long as the adrenaline continued, she guessed.

    Amanda had no idea where she was going. She couldn't even think outside of her instinct to flee. The forest was unfamiliar. She couldn't remember how this chase started, or how she got here. The farthest back she could remember at the moment was this scene. She didn't know how long she's been running, but she was afraid her body might just give out soon.

    Getting lost in her thoughts for just that brief moment turned out to be a mistake, as she tripped on an exposed tree route that she didn't notice. She hit the ground hard, her lantern falling out of her hand and rolling a few feet away. Despite the danger she was in, her body welcomed the break, and she didn't have enough strength to get up. She just laid there on her stomach, her heart pounding against the ground and her breath sounding like an old locomotive. She could hear it getting closer.
    She flipped herself closer to at least try to fight it off. Maybe if she hit it hard enough in the right place, it would leave her alone, at least long enough to get her lantern and hide.

    It was close enough now that she could see movement coming toward her. She moved her arms in front of her in self-defense. It saw her on the ground now, and slowed down, no longer needing to give chase.

    It stepped closer to the light, and she could just start to make out it's features. It was big, maybe about nine feet tall, and covered in fur. It's head seemed to be shaped like a cross between a dog and a bear, with a large, round head long about. It seemed to be snarling.

    Though it was running in all fours this whole time, it stood up on its hind legs as it got closer, slightly hunched over. It was already about nine feet tall, standing up straight it might've even reached twelve. It had long claws on it's fingers and toes, almost like those of a sloth.

    She could see the light of the lantern reflected in its eyes. They seemed to be a dark brown. It stopped walking forward and stared at her for a second. She was prepared to fight but knew she was at a major disadvantage in size and weaponry, and her vulnerable position only made it worse. In one swift movement, it swung its left arm back, roared, and swiped down on her with its long claws. Just as it touched Amanda's arms-

    Amanda woke up with a start. She was covered in sweat, despite the thermostat being set to about 73° and her fan being on its highest speed. She turned her head and looked at her alarm clock. 5:13. The red numbers glowed in the otherwise dark room.

    She took a moment to call down, staring at the ceiling as her breathing started to slow.
    Just as she was feeling back to normal, she heard something moving in her room. She couldn't figure out what it was, and couldn't see anything in the room besides her clock. She heard whatever it was walk next to her bed. It jumped up, nearly giving her a heart attack.

    She quickly came to her senses as she realized what it was. Her dog, Dali, was jumping up in bed with her. Perhaps he sensed her fear and wanted to comfort her? A black lab, he was basically invisible in the dark room.

    Amanda reached down and started petting his neck. She couldn't fall back asleep, but didn't want to make him move again so soon, so she just laid there until the sun came up and her alarm went off at 7:00, to which she continued with her normal day-to-day routine, her nightmare that night just a distant memory.

    And there it is! Sorry if the font color changed at the end, I don't know what the default one is. Again feedback is appreciated. But please be nice about it. I'm new at this and insecure.
     
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  2. ChocoChicken

    Krysmus Azelv (lol)
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    Ooh, creepy. I like it! I'm guessing this won't be the last time she sees the thing?
     
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  3. Captain Comet

    Captain Comet Fallen Star Baby

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    Basic Gary Oak ★Rage Candy Bar ★★★Jaw Fossil ★★★Galladite ★★★★
    We'll see. I don't really have any plan here. Like I said, I'm just going to be a bunch of short stories that don't really connect. But that doesn't mean I won't revisit this in the future.
     
  4. Flyg0n

    Flyg0n PKMN Breeder

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    I liked it! It was interesting, and the beginning was captivating.

    A word of advice, try to vary starting your sentences with 'She' when possible, that way it makes your story flow even better. There are a few times when you do do this, so great job there! One other small thing. Try not to use 'seemed' too much. I feel like you can really emphasize and make your sentences feel stronger by simply describing what you want, without the 'seemed' part. For instance, instead of 'they seemed to be a dark brown', you could try, "They glistened dark brown in the lantern's light"

    Anyways, thats all! You had some very interesting descriptions and sentences I thought were good. Like the beginning, "The darkness of the night surrounded her, just barely warded off by the light of her lantern.". Awesome descriptor! Sets a great mood and gives good sense of whats happening.
    Also, "dodging trees as they entered her lantern's bubble" I liked that bit a lot. Describing the light like a bubble is a good comparison.

    That concludes my thoughts. I commend you greatly for writing. It not easy to do, but you're off to a great start! Finishing something is awesome. And short stories are a great way to start. So keep writing, and don't give up. :D
     
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