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The Forgotten King

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Thunder, May 30, 2015.

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  1. Thunder

    Thunder The Alolan Archer

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    Prologue
    He was captured,the man with long white hair,the orange hat and the gloomy look,he'd been captured.A man with Orange hair walked towards the tall,white-haired man and spoke calmly,it was almost disturbing,"Tell me...Why do you stop me from using the weapon I have re-created?You do not know what happened in the time that the honourable king,AZ,used the weapon,do you?Neither do I but nevertheless you are a descendant of AZ,are you not?The king used this to end the war,I want to do the same and end all violence in the world so why do you try to prevent me?It is almost time,until then the more you squirm,the more you will be wounded by electricity,so don't think of trying to break out!Anyway,let me explain some more,with the power of Xerneas and Yveltal,the power of the weapon can wipe out anything and everything in the world,with one push of a butt-",the tall man shouted.
    "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?IF YOU USE THIS WEAPON THE WHOLE WORD WILL BE DESTROYED!EVEN YOU!",the man shouted with all his might but the orange man just laughed.
    "My friend,yo-"
    "DO NOT CALL ME YOUR FRIEND!",shouted the man.
    "Okay then,AZ,tell me how do you know all this,you are just a descendant after all,tell me,won't you?",the man said calmly.
    "I am the king of 3,000 years ago,I am the real AZ!I was granted eternal life,not youth,but I will never die!",AZ put his head down.The orange-haired man laughed and spoke,
    "You expect me,to believe THAT?You must be insa-",before the man could speak to children barged in,they were aged around 10 to 15,the boy was called Calem and the girl was called Serena.Calem sent out his Greninja,"Go Greninja,use Hydro Pump!This is for you Lysandre",the Greninja motioned his hand out his mouth and a stream of water burst out.The man called Lysandre dodged the attack and stood firm,"I will battle you both upstairs",Lysandre walked upstairs.The children followed leaving AZ alone.

    ((As you can see the prologue is what happened in the end of Pokémon XY,the next chapter is the proper start to the story))
     
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  2. Kibbeh

    Kibbeh ☆ Star Warrior ☆

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    Woo, time for a bit of constructive criticism!

    - You should put a space after punctuation. (i.e.: "As he rushed to the store, he dropped his wallet." rather than "As he rushed to the store,he dropped his wallet") This makes it a heck of a lot easier to read, and more pleasant to the eyes.

    - Your spelling is spot-on, but you may want to read your story over out loud to check that your punctuation is in the right place. Check for overuse of commas, or run-on sentences.

    - You may want to be a bit more descriptive. If I didn't know this was an X and Y fanfiction, I would not know what Lysandre, Calem, or Serena looked like for the most part. Though you describe Lysandre as an orange-haired man, you might want to add more description to it. When you introduce Calem and Serena, you could add some brief description to their characters.

    Your story is pretty good overall. Looking forward to seeing more! :3
     
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  3. Thunder

    Thunder The Alolan Archer

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    It's hard because, the common choice is to use just Calem so it would be he but describing them both takes time. Lysandre, in this part of the story he doesn't need to be explained as much, in all truthfulness that was probably the only appearance he'll ever have in this story. But thanks for the criticism, Kibbeh :)
     
  4. Thunder

    Thunder The Alolan Archer

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    Announcement:I will not be posting here until time allows me too!It seems that while writing a story,I get a better story idea in my head!
     
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