Blog The Personal Ramblings of a Very Complicated Person

Well that title's a mouthful. And I don't think it even explains what this is well.

Basically, I wanted to make a thread just talking about me and my personality and life. For various reasons that I'll explain later, there is a big disconnection between who I am and how I act around other people. So, I wanted to make this just so I could describe who I am to anyone willing to listen. Mainly to vent and to possibly take comfort in there maybe being people who know about me the way I want them too.

I'll ask that you please don't reply to this thread. I'm not making this for conversation, and I'm not looking for support. I may also reply myself in like a few months or something just to see how things are different for me.

Okay so I'm going to be talking about how I ended up where I am now so bare with me this may take a while.

So without further ado, let's get into my childhood. Yay.

btw putting everything in spoilers because it's just too much to leave everything out in the open.

Spoiler: Elementary School

In elementary school (K-5), I was always "the weird kid". You know the stereotype. I struggle saying I was bullied because I don't really think I was. Picked on a bit, sure. But not really full-on bullied. I was more so just sort of avoided. Like nobody really wanted to play with me. I was in a group but looking back it seems really obvious to me that none of them really cared that much about me. I was kind of just part of the group because I was there.

I did have one friend though. I'll call him J. J and I met in preschool and were inseparable. He was the only real friend I had. And he moved away in 4th grade, leaving me alone. However, someone else came into the picture. Let's call him D. D and I met in Kindergarten and let's just say he had issues. Both physical and mental. Not anything super severe, just trouble with fine motor control, weird feet, some chromosome thing I don't remember the name of (it's not Down's) which gave him some emotional issues, etc. But it was enough to put him in the same boat as me. In fact I remember thinking of him that way. I actually distinctly remember having a conversation with J about where or not we wanted to play with D that day.

Anyway, when J moved away, that left me on my own. No true friends. Then D, who had went to a different school the previous two years, came back into the picture. We just kind of gravitated towards each other and really bonded. He is still my best friend to this day.

While I was honestly too young to really understand what was happening, the way other kids treated me started to deeply effect me. It didn't really amount to much until middle school, but it started here.

In addition to being weird, everyone also found me annoying. I definitely remember people not liking me because I tried to butt into conversations a lot (I blame undiagnosed autism for me not knowing how to converse properly). I think I was also just a bit too all over the place all the time. Idk that one's hard to explain.

Spoiler: Middle School

Alright on to middle school (6-8). AKA, the worst years of my life. I said I struggle with saying I was bullied. If I was, it was here.

The issues caused by how I was treated in elementary school, as well as the issues I had anyway (autism, OCD, ADD) started effecting how I acted. I started suppressing myself, to the point where I was doing it without even knowing. I became anxious and paranoid, developed an inferiority complex and just started trying to act more like a normal person. How everyone thought of and perceived me became more important than my own happiness and how I perceived myself.

Another problem that arose in middle school is my ability as a student. I started just not doing schoolwork, basically. A combination of the fact that I was always a smart kid and felt like I didn't need to do a lot, and the fact that my mind worked completely differently from anyone else's. Group that in with my inability to communicate properly with anyone, and you get a mom who's always pissed off that you barely do any work, and a kid who gets pissed off at himself for being dumb and not doing the stupid work like a normal person.

But it wasn't all bad. I did meet several people that I'm still friends with to this day. Including my other best friend, who we'll call T. T has her own whole slue of issues, and she's talked before about how much I helped her just by existing. She's like a younger sister to me, even though we're only a month apart in age.

So basically, middle school gave me one of the most important people in my life (and vice versa), as well as basically all the emotional and mental issues I have today. Fun.

Spoiler: High School

So now on to high school (9-12). Things pick up here.

Honestly, I loved high school. Nobody at my school cared about anything. You could be whoever you wanted and nobody would mess with you for it. But by this point, the damage was already done. I had become a very closed-off person who never wanted to show any outward negative emotion to anyone. I hated myself for not being normal. All I wanted was for people to like me, and that didn't even work all the time.

Then, theatre happened. I got shoved into a theatre class my sophomore year because I didn't pick an elective. I was terrified at first because of course a teen like me would want to do anything but be up on a stage in front of an audience. But I ended up enjoying it. The teacher is probably my favorite teacher that I've ever had. After the first year (which didn't really help with my issues tbh because a lot of the students just got thrown in there for en elective like me), I kept taking theatre classes for the last two. Now that we were out of the introduction class, I was with all the theatre kids who actually wanted to be there. And they are the most open and accepting group of people you will find in a high school I swear. This is where I finally started coming out of my shell a bit. Only a little, but I did. But it wasn't enough. It was one hour-long period a day (two my senior year), compared to the rest of my classes and home. But this was when I first discovered anything about the LGBTQ+ community. I knew gay people were a thing but that was about it. So the summer between my sophomore and junior years (I think I may he wrong) I discovered that transgender was a thing. And a few years later that was when I figured out I was. But that's a separate section.

Spoiler: Post-High School

So I graduated high school in 2018 at the age of, well 18. Then after that, I was kind of just lost for a bit. An big issue I had in high school was that I had no idea what my interests were and what I wanted to do. Side effects of my burying my personality. So now, not having something I need to do every day, I constantly felt like I was wasting my life. But, I had no idea how to correct that.

Brief backtrack; back when I first realized transgender was a thing, I went all in on it. Completely "This is it! This is what I am!" Without really putting too much thought into it. I basically said, "Well I feel feminine and this explains it." So I went with it. That lasted maybe two months at the most before I dialed it back a bit and said "Well maybe that's going too far. I can be feminine and still be a boy." And that's were things sat for a while

Skip to early 2019, and those thoughts came back. And I started seriously thinking about if I wanted to be male or female. Eventually I figured out I really was trans, as you all probably know.

Now, at various points from then up to now, I've slowly started to piece together who I am. As well as why I am the way I am. And oh boy, here we go.

Spoiler: Mom

I mentioned her very briefly before, but this is something I really need to explain in full.

I want to start off by saying that I love my mom, and I don't think she was a bad parent at all. I mean my brother turned out fine.

But, there is a major disconnect between us that I don't think she realizes. My dad too but that's more because he's just pretty quiet and worked nights for basically all of my childhood. So my mom did most of the parenting.

My mom had six older stepbrothers growing up. This made her a very tough, tomboyish person, with a very "sink or swim" mentality about everything. So when raising my brother and I, her parenting style was very much "Here's the world, go figure out for yourself." Which isn't inherently a bad parenting tactic. Again, my brother turned out fine.

But remember, I had issues. Looking back, I needed a mother who was much more emotionally supportive and less aggressive. Sometimes it feels like her first response to anything is just anger. I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because I don't want her to think I'm just being a baby. I'm sure a lot of this is just my own anxiety and paranoia warping it, but it had to come from somewhere, right? If I feel way more attached to my two best friends than my family, that seems like a problem to me. A problem that isn't necessarily my fault.

Okay this is starting to get off track. Basically, I had a tomboy who would throw everyone to the wolves and try her best with who survived, when I needed a mother. I don't want to blame her for everything, but it feels like she really had a hand in some things.

Spoiler: About Me

Well that took a while. So this part is going to be me just explaining different aspects of myself. So yeah. And uh, it gets weird.

Well first off I'm a trans female. I already established that. But, I have yet actually transition, so there's that. I'm a girl mentally but a boy physically and there's nothing bridging the gap yet. Yeah that doesn't help with my issues.

Now on to the mental stuff. Please keep in mind that none of this has ever been officially diagnosed except the possibility of ADD, it's all just my own theories and speculation.

Social Anxiety: If you have it, you know. I'm terrified of talking to people and think everyone's judging me.
Paranoia: Always think the worst. You never know what could happen. Whatever you have open on that incognito tab might be visible on the living room TV and you don't even know it.
OC Obsess over trivial shit. Unbend the corners of all the bills in your wallet
Make sure that thing you can barely see on the other side of the room is straight.
Inferiority Complex: Everyone is better than you and you constantly have to prove you're at there level. Also if you fail at anything you get mad at everything. Mostly yourself
AD Fuck focusing on anything, life is too short for that shi- hey look a bird!
Depression: Everything hurts inside for no reason and you just accept it. It fucking sucks. Also includes mild emotional instability. I use the term "mild" loosely.
Autism: A more recent development. Explains a lot about my childhood. Inability to communicate what's going on in my head, emotional issues, difficulty processing information, etc.

I'm also desperate for love. I've never been in a relationship, and as I said I never felt that connected to my family. But I also have a certain idea of my perfect partner that's probably way too good to be true and a bit naive. Plus I'm still incapable of communicating properly. Yay.

So there's just one more thing I want to talk about and it's uh... a bit out there. Some might question why I brought it up at all. I'm talking about this because I am a firm believer that anybody can do and act whatever way they want, as long as you're not hurting anybody. And if someone is into something that others may think is weird, everyone should respect each other no matter what.

So basically,I am ABDL. Tbh I'm too embarrassed to say what that stands for so I'll let you google it yourself (probably should use an incognito tab), put this part in another spoiler tab, and let you decide if you want to read on. It's totally okay if you don't. I get it. Just please don't let it effect your opinion of me. I personally see a lot of parallels between ABDLs and furries. Not like they're similar things but they're embraced in similar ways, I guess? I don't think that came across the way I meant it too.

Spoiler: Dumb Baby Stuff weeeeeeeee

So you looked it up and decided to read this part. Thank you. Or you didn't look it up and decided to just yolo into this. Which is fine but uh, you have no idea what you're getting into.

So yeah, I like feeling like a toddler. I don't like being babied or anything, I'm still an independent person, but like feeling like a little kid. I snuggle with a stuffed animal in bed (and honestly feel a bit anxious without it), I love the idea of diapers (haven't indulged, still live with parents) etc etc. This stems to what I want out of a partner too. I'm the sensitive, emotional one, and I want a girl (yes I'm not just trans I'm also gay) who can make me feel safe and secure. I think the reason for this stems from my relationship with my mother. I never had that caring, supportive, protective mother, and so I crave it now. Which just makes trying to find a partner all the harder. Wonderful.

To those of you who skipped that part, again, that's fine. Just don't judge me for it and I won't force it down your throat.

So in terms of just personality, I want to be a very positive, optimistic person. All I want to do in life is to spread happiness. To make people forget about the really shitty world we live in, and teach them to just respect and love everyone around them, no matter their beliefs or lifestyles or anything. Just love and be happy. Basically, how on act on LV is how I truly am. And only two people irl actually know that.

Well that took a while, as predicted.

I want to tale a moment to just thank all of you for listening, and just thank this community for existing. This is the first place I've ever felt like I've fit in, and everyone is so nice. That's why I felt comfortable enough to make this.

Again, I ask you to please not reply to this thread. It just leads to clutter that I don't need.