The Questionable Advice Thread

The premise is simple. You ask me your serious life questions, and I give incredibly serious and helpful advice.

Here's an example:

No way. Don't you know not to give in to pier pressure?

Just recycle an old joke you used a while ago that nobody remembers by now.

Yeah, set yourself on fire.

 

Woah, Malc, you should be honored! Your cat has chosen your body to be used to fuel his dark powers. You see, cats gain their power from consuming living beings. The more intelligent the being is, the more power they gain. This is why there are so many cat pictures on the internet. They're searching for potential candidates.

They don't find too many intelligent beings on the internet.

So, if you are alright with being a sacrifice to fuel your cat's dark powers, then allow him to do what he does. If that doesn't sit right with you, then I recommend filling up a squirt bottle with some holy water and carrying it with you at all times.

I would add some more helpful tips, but I've really got to run. I just ran out of holy water and my cat looks hungry.

 

Your next action depends on one factor: who else is with you? If you are alone in this hole, then continue shouting for help and eventually somebody will find you. If you are not alone, then identify who is in this hole with you. If you identify a hatter and a hare, then stay there. You've found a place much more sane than our world. If there is a normal person down here with you and they are not injured, have them help you out. If they are also injured, then kill them right away. Their body will be burning up precious energy that you may need to survive. Eat them until help arrives.

That's easy! Go create an advice thread and answer people's questions with terrible and unrealistic advice. Once you've had your fun being stupid on the internet, you'll be able to focus better on the important work you need to be done.

Actually, that isn't bad advice. Huh. It's really hilarious that you asked that, because I'm supposed to be writing an essay for my English 255 class right now. It's due tomorrow and I've barely started.

 

Tell him he has to earn his living through constant piggyback rides, back rubs, and formally announcing your arrival whenever you enter a room.

 

You don't. I'll just go pretend to beat him up for you and steal all his imaginary stuff to make him really pretend to regret this altercation.

 

Oh no... I'm terribly, terribly sorry, but there is nothing I can do to help you here. The truth is that midgets with shotguns are one of the few horrors that exist in the world that cannot be defeated, cannot be escaped from, and can never be faced with courage. I'm sorry, but I cannot help you.

I'm sorry to cut this short, but I feel a sudden need to make sure that my shotgun-wielding-midget-proof bunker is still fully stocked to hold out for at least two years. Hopefully that is long enough to make them lose interest in me.

 

First, you have to do that one thing to get the other thing. After that, you do another thing and trade your thing in for a magical thing. After that, if you have a high enough "thing" skill level, then you can cast Thing level thing and obtain an immortality thing.

I'm sure the elves can be bribed with candy canes. If not, threaten to increase the taxes on hot chocolate. Blackmail always works.

Let me try. Apples... two... Bronze... William Shakespeare...

Nope. I honestly forgot how to use apples to count my ABC's. Next thing you know, I'll be forgetting how to breathe. That would be horribly embar...

HELP I CAN'T--