Was it worth it?

[Language warning]

For the full effect, please listen to this while you read.

This is the story of one man's journey for a heavily discounted copy of Waifu Kingdom: Tides of Being a Fucking Weaboo aka Rune Factory: Tides of Destiny.

It started out as a blistering day in California. I thought nothing of it. I was cute, and the world, no matter how much it burned, would need to accept it. I was perusing about online, when something caught my eye. It was a post on a website, far away from the Great Lake.

It claimed "Rune Factory: Tides of Destiny for $10 on PSN store". I thought, "What hell could possibly come from this?" I was a Rune Factory lover, and would endure any pain to play more of the franchise. What was about to unfold has left me a different man - a dead man.

It seemed like a simple enough task: log into PSN, buy the game, download it, and start playing, right? Nope. No fucking way. Nothing in my life has ever been that easy... But nothing will ever be as hard.

I hit my first obstacle very early on - remembering my PSN login (via computer). It only took a few minutes for me to remember my good, old login!

Only to discover... It was a subaccount. I needed my primary one - one with more power than I had now. It was the first time I had felt truly helpless - me, the great Forum God. I agonized over what my original login could be, until trying to login through the PS3, where I wasgreeted with my sign in ID.

I almost wish I hadn't seen it. It was an ancient e-mail address that even I, its creator, had forgotten. I tried to login, but try as I might, I never managed. I was barraged with "Incorrect password/ID" messages. I escaped with my life, but just barely.

After coming this far, I had to pursue the Promised Land... The Waifu Kingdom. I clambered desperately onto PSN's website, pleading with the "Forgot your password?" page to assist me. The next message struck fear into my heart.

"An e-mail with instructions on resetting your password has been sent."

Cautiously, I sneaked onto Yahoo (I didn't want anyone to see me, the shame would be too great). I tried logging in - no luck. Over and over again, I tried. Finally, I got my password - the correct one... where I was met with what I believe was a middle finger from Satan himself.

"Enter the answer to your security question."

Oh. No.

At this point, I was hardly more than a lump of nervous flesh. I had made the account when I was twelve. What trap had I laid for future-me?

The question seemed easy enough. "What's the first name of your favorite uncle?" I went through endless combinations. All seven of my uncles... and nothing.

I could feel twelve year old me smirking his smug little smirk. He had won. Desperate not to give up, I attempted to reach out to Yahoo! Customer Care, a name twisted with irony. Care is precisely what they lacked.

I was besieged with automated replies.

My poor, mortal form could take no more of this e-mail assault. I decided to take drastic measures - I had to find a support number. The first I called had no hold music - a bad sign. Eventually, a human voice: "Before we begin, please participate in this survey. If you are 65 or under, please press --" I hung up.

Wrong number.

I tried another, researching it first. A couple results came back for it. It seemed somewhat trustworthy, and to me, it was like finding a spilled milkshake in the grimy streets after nearly dying of thirst in the desert - it wasn't great, but you might as well take it.

I gave it a call. There was hold music - surely a good sign, right? Someone answered, "Hello, this YaWAAAAAAAAAHHH" - the call dropped. Spooky, but maybe the person was just yawning and not groaning.

I called again.

The same person answered, but this time had regained his human form. "Hello, how can I help you?"

I gave them the short story of my issue, then paused, "This IS Yahoo! Customer Care, right?"

He reassured me it was, and I reviewed the issue in detail. He seemed genuine, but not a trustworthy sort of genuine. More like when you're sitting alone in the car, and an adult walks by, and you're genuinely uncomfortable.

Eventually, he told me my account was compromised and then said something about resolving it. He said he would have me open a website. I can still hear his voice, his thick accent, reading it out so slowly. "WWW. Okay. A as in Adam. Two Ms. Okay. Okay. Okay. Now. Two Ys. Okay, .com"

I visited the page. My face darkened. I had been fooled. This was no Yahoo! website. This was a remote desktop connection program. I would not be taken lightly. I pushed my glasses up my nose, and they flashed dramatically (like in an anime). "Hey, hey. I read the Customer Care policy. It said Yahoo! would never ask for this!"

He hesitated. I had weakened him. "Sir, if you do not want me to help you, sir, you can ask the other people."

What a fool - I knew his plan now! There were no other people. If it was truly Yahoo! Customer Care, they wouldn't recommend a third party service. I smirked. I had won the battle, but the war was still being waged.

"I'll ask them then. Bye." I hung up the phone. He didn't call back.

Defeated and severely weakened, I spent the next few hours playing Monster Hunter. Then, a newfound determination lit up inside me. I spammed the PSN login with every possible password. Finally, it let me in. I accepted the terms & conditions, and on the next page, the final blow...

My username.

XxRyan_PwnzxX.

My world shattered around me. I knew it was bad. I just knew my username was bad - but this?!? I never expected this. As I fell to my knees, I could hear the voices of my past waifus encouraging me to get back up. I coughed up a meme or two, and stood up once more. No matter how much it disgraced me, I would finish what I set out to do.

I purchased the game.

But was it worth it?

I'm not sure. It's still downloading. Oh, it's actually done. I wrote this while I was waiting. ~40 minutes. Fun.