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Weekly Prompt-Listening Ear

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Coraline, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Coraline

    Odd Egg (Infected)
    (Odd Egg (Infected))
    Level 3
    Jan 24, 2017
    Trainer Card - Cave ThemeRocky Helmet ★★★★★Staff of VerityExp. Share ★★
    As another morning began in Lumiose City, Arabella was just getting ready for the competition with the other local psychic powered girl. She had agreed to meet at the Magenta Plaza. Her best friend though had been distant lately and she was growing worried. Her and Makenna had never had fights and they certainly never grew angry at each other. She was walking to the competition when she saw her. Makenna had a hoodie on and Arabella found that off. Her brunette friend never dressed like she was hiding. "Hey Mack," she greeted joyfully to her. Makenna took off and Arabella slowly thought about things and wondered if she shoved her friend away.

    Her older brother William was a psychic too and he made her jealous some days. They both tried to avoid each other in attempts to please the other. She decided to leave Makenna alone and walk over to her competition regardless. She had an hour but she could kill it in the park. As she walked through the park she fixed her sweatpants and made sure she was comfy as she climbed up a tree and almost fell back as she saw her brother there. William had gotten their mother's red hair, father's green eyes and their grandparents tall body. People always could identify William's sister though. Arabella had a fire red hair color and their mom's baby blue eyes. But she got her dad's short stature. "You come here too huh?" William had noticed her disappear after walking to the park and figured it out slowly. Since he was left to take care of his little sister, he would notice things about her. Her shoes always came back scuffed up or she had scratches. She looked up at him. "I used to come here when dad died. It was the only place I could escape being the responsible big brother. Mom always asked me to do this and do that. It's what made me originally resent being your brother. It was why I always shoved you out the door. But as you and I both developed our powers I saw it. People were pushing you moreso than they were me."

    "Tell me about it," she scoffed. William looked at her concerned. This was the first time they were talking and not about their powers or her school life. It was a personal conversation. He finally noticed things he never noticed. Her creamy peach skin was looking very faded and there were weak shadows under her eyes. "Oh GoGoat I have to move! I have a competition in 20 minutes," she panicked as a beep sounded. William looked at her concerned as she hopped down and began running to the competition. William immediately followed on some side streets and finally saw where she was going. Magenta Plaza was the turf of the local bully Miranda. But William saw something he wouldn't ever forgive. Makenna was standing beside Miranda.

    "I heard you saw my best friend on the way," Miranda taunted. William shuddered at that and prayed that Makenna would defend Arabella soon. "She told me her true feelings. Most best friends gossip. Not talk about their feelings or worry about miniscule things. That's why I have a turf and followers," she taunted. William looked and could see Miranda and Makenna were similar. Baggy sweaters and pants with sneakers. Makenna had black hair and Miranda had blue hair.

    "She's right. You talk way too much about feelings. Who cares about that stuff that you told me about?"

    "I did. You told me you were there," Arabella growled. William felt his heart shatter at that. She was being destroyed before a match.

    "Shall we?" Miranda was impatient so Arabella nodded. Miranda sent a bench flying at Arabella, so she used her power to fight the motions and finally was able to shove her back a bit. But not for long. She got the bench hurled at her and she groaned as it hit her. William growled and as Arabella sat up she saw rocks and gulped.

    William growled and intervened by taking the rocks from Miranda and throwing them away. "Talk about a fair fight. Knock someone flat off their feet with a bench and expect them to fight back."

    "Grand Psychic William!" William was only 17 years old but he was adored by the town. William carefully helped Arabella to her feet and picked her up.

    "The match is over. Nobody wins. This went too far," he growled at Miranda. As William carried Arabella home he could hear her groans. "Don't worry baby sis. We're almost home. I'll get an ice pack and we can watch movies with Fennekin and Espurr," he promised. As William opened the door he gently sat her down. "Can you go upstairs and get into your pajamas?" She nodded and slowly walked upstairs and did that.

    "Glaceon bring me your icebag," William called. William's Glaceon grew with him and now was like a babysitting dog for Arabella. As she walked downstairs, Arabella was once again picked up by William who put the icebag on her stomach where the bench was. The split second she was on the couch, he put a blanket over her and then her Fennekin curled up by her hand. "Now talk to me. What's been going on?"

    "Where to start?"

    "Start with when dad died," William answered. William and Arabella stopped talking about the deep stuff when she was 4. That was when they lost their father. He was 6.

    "When dad died, you changed. I noticed it. Your powers came through and mom was all over you. So I noticed that I'd have to entertain myself. I began to get bored with blocks, so I borrowed your toy cars all the time. They passed time. Then my 5th birthday came around and we were eating when my powers came through. Mom had left you to it and began nitpicking on my skills. I was only 5. It felt like I had no choice in the matter. Then mom had her accident," she recounted before stammering. William stopped her and hugged her. When their mom got into a car accident that paralyzed her completely, she was admitted to a care home. William was 12 and said he could take care of them. But William and Arabella had to use their powers to earn money.

    "Can you keep going or is it too much?" He didn't want to force her to talk.

    "I can keep going," she stammered wiping her eyes. "When mom's accident came around you were attentive to mom until she got into the care home. So I tried to stay out of your way. But you were so angry I feared I'd done something wrong," she finished. William knew the rest. She had avoided him in fear of provoking him.

    He climbed onto the couch before turning her to his chest and slowly she felt the comfort she needed. "You never were alone. I was always right there. I still am. Why were you in that fight?"

    "To try and prove myself."

    "Fights aren't the way to go. Now get some sleep and after you rest up a bit we'll go out for dinner," he whispered.
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  2. VicTheJolteon

    Level 19
    Sep 10, 2018
    Thunder Stone ★★★Great Ball ★★
    Your storyline is good, but I would suggest giving more environmental details of the background and also of the characters themselves and less descriptions of the meaning of events. It is better to write the story as if you were a ghostly passerby that is viewing these events from afar (and also up close) after you have given the visual details, you can then let the reader interpret those details as they will. this makes the story change for each reader, as their imagination is prompted to activate and build your world in their minds as the read your world`s story.
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  3. Absolute Zero

    Absolute Zero The second seal...

    Level 17
    Mar 17, 2015
    I liked this, and it seems like you could easily put this kind of character motivation and past conflict into a larger story. The only things I don't love is some of the extensive visual character description and sometimes the who's-who was hard to follow, but that problem likely evaporates in a story that has more time to spread out characters and interactions.

    There's a lot that can be made from this, and I'd certainly read the expanded story of what goes on before and after this.
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