Well, it's been a long time since the Mad Advice Thread has seen the light of day. I had to close my last iteration of this thread due to a lack of time on my part, but I'm glad to say I can now bring it back! This thread runs similarly to advice columns like the famous "Dear Abby" style. Google that if you don't know what it is. All you have to do is ask questions for advice on everyday struggles. Maybe you are having computer problems, relationship struggles, or crippling existential doubts. Just ask, and I'll give you the best advice that years of slamming a head into a keyboard can provide! *Don't actually take my advice, this is satire.* Example Sanctuary: Madness, my computer keeps freezing. Me: Next time it freezes, place the laptop in boiling water for a few minutes to thaw it out. Please stick to "real questions" and avoid crazy questions. If I see something like "lol madness how r i maek tale flufy??" I'll flag that as spam, which neither of us want. Just give a serious question and get a dumb answer. It's not hard. Have at it!
Hey Madness, I cut my finger last week but it's healing really slowly. What should I do to make the cut heal faster?
My significant other and I are each going through some tough times, and I feel like the romance just isn't there anymore. Tomorrow is Valentine's day and cupid has yet to bless my booty cheeks with his arrow. Any tips on how to spice things up and bring romance back into our relationship?
It's commonly accepted that it's good to have a cut heal as fast as possible. This is, in fact, completely wrong. I've been studying epidermal lacerations of all sorts for years now. I have four hundred degrees all in various medical practices and over 9000 hours of studying cuts. All of this research and knowledge has led me to a startling conclusion. You see, much like the way that bones are stronger when fully healed after breaking, your skin also becomes stronger after each cut. For this reason, it's best to let the cut heal as slowly as possible. Whenever possible, rip the scab off and expose it to the open air. Don't use bandages of any sort to keep the dirt out, as getting stuff in the cut builds your resistance. Whatever you do, don't put any sort of disinfectant on it. That's the wimp's way out. The first and most important step is to show them that you care. Others would tell you to do something stupid like buy them those goofy, heart-shaped candies and then surprise them with roses. Candy makes them fatter and roses are just a reminder about how everything we hold dear will wilt away and die. Not romantic at all. The best way to show them that you really care is to prove your dedication to them. The second after midnight strikes and it's technically Valentines day, start texting and calling them as much as possible. Inform them of every detail about you. Ask how they're doing every five minutes. Ask for photos of them right now. Demand they rescind that restraining order. All these things will prove how much you really care.
I just lost a battle and got really salty but I cut my finger, should I rub it? Or would that be rubbing salt in the wound?
My best friend today I've known since we were six has started doing drugs. But just pot, but shrooms as well. I don't want to do it, but he's started to try and push it on to me. Lately he's been getting more aggressive with it. I want to stay friends with him, but I'm tired of him pushing it on to me. What should I do?
I've been getting a good amount of nosebleeds over the past few weeks, and sometimes more than two in a day. I know that they tend to be common during winter months and in dry, cold climites (of which my area usually is). Been trying the normal remedies, but nothings working efficiently enough & what's worse is that there's a good amount of blood coming out, so that worries me as well. Is there anything else I should be doing to get my nosebleeds to stop?
My TV has stopped working recently. Whenever I turn it on it makes a loud buzzing and just shows snow no matter what I press. Any ideas on what the problem is and how to fix it?
Madness, I recently ate some expired pudding and now my tummy doesn't feel so good. What should I do to make it feel better?
Madness I have a tonne of college work but I can't concentrate on it because of this one person in my class who won't stop complaining! I'd do it at home but the computer here can't handle the software.
Have you ever tried making a joke out of a joke? It's hard. It's easy to take a serious scenario and find the humor in it. It's where I excel in comedic ability and the reason I started this thread. I love making people laugh, and I seem to be able to do it rather well in person. I'm trying to expand my skills into the written format, so this thread is the perfect training ground for me. Now, making a joke out of a joke? It's beyond difficult. There's a reason most comedians stay far away from "meta-humor" as a joke topic and humor about humor itself. It's hard to work with, doesn't get many laughs, and is far more frustrating to write content for than it's worth. I asked only one thing of you when you in regards to replies to this thread: Ask a serious question. I stopped the last thread because nobody could accomplish that simple task, and once again people have proven incapable. I hate to get salty, but if this happens again I'll be chucking you both from this thread in the future. This is the last warning. Dude, shrooms are great for you. Haven't you soon Mario? He gobbles one of them up and now he's big and strong. Other times he gets magical abilities and stuff. Take the shrooms, dude. The solution is actually really simple. You see, if low moisture in the air is the cause of the nosebleeds, then all you need to do is add more moisture to your nose. While most medical practitioners would recommend a moisturizing nasal spray of some kind, I instead recommend direct and constant exposure to water. Stick your nose in a hose and turn it on full blast for a minute or so for maximum results. It just shows snow? Change the channel away from weather. Duh. The problem with expired pudding is that it is harder for your stomach acids to break it down and digest it properly. The clear answer then is to introduce more acid into your stomach. Just drink pint of hydrochloric acid and you won't be worried about your stomach ever again. All you need to do is get your classmate to stop complaining, which is rather simple. I'm a master at getting people to never speak around me, and I'm going to guide you through the easy steps of making sure people will never talk near your again. Buy some duct tape and bring it to class. Sit next to the complainer. When they begin to speak, loudly proclaim, "Silence is golden, duct tape is silver!" over and over as you apply the tape to their mouth. Once the cops let you go, he will never speak within a hundred yards of you again.
Madness, my neighbors recently got a new cat and now I can't sleep at night anymore because the damn thing won't stop meowing. How should I solve this situation?
Hey agony uncle madness; my 3DS broke when the whole part of the L button fell off, what should I do to fix it?
Sometimes I'm too shy to ask questions during class when learning a new subject, but there are moments where I really need to and still can't find the courage to do it. Do you have any ideas on how I can overcome this?
I'll keep this to one question for now, and see how much fruit this endeavour bears, for future reference. On occasion I may end up tiring myself out due to thinking up a plethora of questions to ask users. This is done largely because, when I start asking questions, I ask a large sum of them all at once to a large group of people. But this tires me out if I stretch myself too far, so what would you advise so this doesn't happen?
Dear Madness, Currently I write this stranded on an island. I climbed a mountain to get a fair enough cell service. How do I escape this place?
Advice, I see I got a spider in my room and its so cute but when my brother entered the room he said he will kill it. Now what should I do?