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Pokémon Smash Z (fanfiction series)

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by RioluLucarioFan9000, Dec 27, 2014.

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  1. RioluLucarioFan9000

    RioluLucarioFan9000
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    #1 Dec 27, 2014
  2. EverchangingArcadia

    EverchangingArcadia
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    Hmm, it's not bad, but not entirely good either. Other than the grammatical errors and obvious and somewhat annoying redundancies, I see potential in this story. I feel that there should be more descriptive terms in it. It definitely lacks quite a bit of imagery here and there, and there's a bit of "I don't even know...what?" moments. For example, the announcer/referee is entirely aware of the fighters leaving the stage, and does not bat an eyelash, only stating that there is an explosion, which I'm sure everyone is aware of if it really was that big. That, and I'm sure that Dylan and Jake are not the ONLY fighters that could have went. (The referee said that it was the fourth round, meaning that equally, or better participants would've heard the explosion, or maybe a team of highly skilled security guards, in case an emergency occurs.) It needs to be more fleshed out, is what I'm getting at, but I do believe that you will grow better in time.

    Some words can be replaced. For instance, "heart" can be changed to "cores" instead, but the decision is entirely your own.

    I'll be keeping watch of the story as it progresses. Good job though, and good luck!

    (I have been notified of a possible violation of a rule so I decided to delete part of this post.)
     
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    #2 Dec 27, 2014
  3. RioluLucarioFan9000

    RioluLucarioFan9000
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    Episode 2 is finished.

    Link:
    http://riolulucariofan9000.deviantart.com/art/Pokemon-Smash-Z-Episode-2-503045195

    Story:
    Saga 1: The Sonic Saga
    Episode 2: 3-on-1 Brawl! Pokémon VS. Evil Genius.

    Last time on Pokémon Smash Z, our contestants left the Midair Stadium to investigate a massive explosion caused by three spacepods. There, they find Dr. Eggman and his henchmen, and they take out the goons in an instant. Enraged, Dr. Eggman swears revenge on the three Pokémon. Will Dylan and his friends win? Find out now!!

    Dylan dashed toward the mad scientist in a flash, and punched him in an instant. Eggman flew across the plains into a rock pillar, creating a dust explosion. Wow, this Pokémon's really swift, Dr. Eggman thought as the little Riolu paced toward him. I-I've gotta defeat him somehow. The mad scientist jumped out of the crumbled remains of the pillar, and attempted to punch Dylan, but the Riolu quickly catched it, and he and Eggman started exchanging blows.
    "Wow, this fight's really getting intense," Melanie commented. "And the two are really going at it," Jake replied. "If any trouble arises, I will help out."
    Dr. Eggman kicked Dylan away, and then he made a gun hand position, and pointed it up. He launched his hand high into the air, but Dylan saw this, and a destructive explosion swarms the area as Dylan defended himself from the wave. The little Riolu thought he heard his friends screaming as he screamed too. When the dust cleared, he was already battle damaged from the explosion. Dr. Eggman laughed, and said "So, it left you weak from my Violent Hurricane. And I thought you were strong." "I-I am strong!!" the Riolu snapped back. "I-I will defeat you right here and right now!!"
    Dylan dashes toward the mad scientist as he screamed in anger, but Dr. Eggman punched him swiftly away, knocking the poor Riolu out. "Dylan!" Melanie cried when she saw him lying on the ground. Then she turned her head, and grunted "Y-You won't get away with this!!" A brown aura surrounds her as she started powering up. "Huh?" said a confused Dr. Eggman. Suddenly, his scouter started picking up Melanie's energy. "Power level... 5000, 6000, 7000... I-Impossible!!" Melanie made a final scream, and a shockwave burst out of her chest. "Y-You hurt my boyfriend!!" she screamed as a tear came out of her eye. She started dashing toward the mad scientist, and then suddenly, her entire body glows a green color.
    "Wh-What?!!?" screamed the scientist as Melanie sped faster and faster. The young Meloetta hits Dr. Eggman in the chest, severely injuring him, and knocking him into another rock pillar. Another dust explosion occurs, and Melanie stops glowing green. "That Meloetta actually did it?" Jake commented. "She actually did it!!" Jake breakdanced as he hummed a victory tune, presumably a Final Fantasy song. But the victory wouldn't last long, as an enraged, battle damaged Dr. Eggman crawled out the crumbles. "Wh-Why you!!" the mad scientist snarled. Jake turned his head to see where the voice came from, and he was shocked out of his wits. "S-Spoke too soon!!" the Piplup screamed. "I'll destroy you dumb stupid Pokémon in an instant!!" Dr. Eggman yelled.
    He then jumped up into the air, and swooped down toward Jake and Melanie, who were freaked out. The mad scientist opened his mouth, and meanwhile, Dylan gets up to find Dr. Eggman attacking his friends. They're in trouble, the young Riolu thought. If I don't do something, he'll kill them! Dylan swiftly jumped into the air, and swooped down toward the mad scientist. "B-BULK UP!!!" the Riolu screamed.
    His muscles suddenly expanded, and steam came out of his body as a white aura surrounded Dylan. His speed suddenly increases, and he hits Dr. Eggman in the back, and in an instant, swoops down underneath the mad scientist, and catches him in the back. This broke Dr. Eggman's back, and the mad scientist moaned "M-My back..." The little Riolu threw Dr. Eggman away into the ground. "You OK, guys?" Dylan asked. Melanie and Jake nodded, and Dylan replied "He won't hurt anybody anymore now, so you're safe."
    "W-Wait..." moaned the scientist. "I-I have something to tell you..." Dylan is shocked, and snaps "Do you think after all the harm you've done to my friends, I'll listen to you?!?" "J-Just listen..."
    "Sonic was the one who sent me here. His sole propose is to gather all seven Smash Balls, mystical orbs that grant increased attributes, to take over the world. Y-You must find them before he does, and you might stand a chance against him. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, which begins now... Now... go..." Those were the mad scientist's final words. Dr. Eggman, was dead.
    Dylan turned to his friends, and says to them, "Well, guys, we've gotta go find these Smash Balls before this Sonic dude does, so let's move it." His friends nodded, and they walked away into the sunset, where their journey awaits.

    Having defeated the mad scientist, our heroes go the distance. But will they grab all of these sacred Smash Balls before this so-called Sonic guy does? Find out, next time, on Pokémon Smash Z!!
     
    #3 Dec 27, 2014
  4. TehAbsol

    TehAbsol
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    I hate to critique people's creations, but constructive criticism is one of the only ways for someone to become a better artist (or in this case, author).

    First thing is, I feel like the story is going too fast. The reader doesn't have time to think about what is going on before the next action happens. Also, you didn't really give an introduction to the characters. Everybody in the story so far seems to have a monotone personality, or in other words, they seem like robots. Try to introduce some back story or about how they react to certain situations (e.g. one of them could've been extremely hesitant to battle Eggman, or one of them could have fled). Lastly, I'd recommend to add some internal conflict rather than it all be external. I know it'd be a bit early to add it now, but you need a bit of "Person vs Self" conflict later on (e.g. guilt, bad thoughts, putting down oneself or getting angry at oneself, etc.).

    Don't take this as an insult! I really want you to become better at writing. So far, you're doing very well, but adding those three things will make it even better! :D
     
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    #4 Dec 27, 2014
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