Sign Up/Discussion Castles and Comedy (Simplified DnD)

This is a simplified, comedy-based Dungeons and Dragons campaign based on another actually serious campaign I'm playing. Nothing here will make sense. I am not sorry.
I say simplified because I'm too small brain to do normal DnD and I will get everything wrong. Please correct me if you've played and I'm doing things wrong.
If anyone wants to join but does not know how to create a character, that's what this thread is for! I'll guide you through character creation. Badly.

Character Sheet (I will walk you through this)
Name: Please look up the rules for your race. But then again this is crack so I don't really care. Sure, go ahead and name your dwark Bobella Bobertson XIV. I'll let it slide.
Age:
Personality:
Race: Look at official races. Unless you're fine being a human.
Class: Choose from my horrible descriptions below and Internet searchings.
Alignment (Lawful to Chaotic, Good to Evil):

Spoiler: Classes and Description of each but bad

Artificer: Magical Item Craft
Barbarian: Scream and hit things
Fighter: Hit things
Monk: Punch things
Cleric: Heal things in the name of your god
Paladin: Smite things in the name of whatever you swore your oath to (which can be anything)
Rogue: Sneaky stabby stealy extreme edgy
Wizard: Yer a wizard harry now go to school
Sorcerer: Yer a wizard harry, it's in yer blood (usually comes with epic backstory)
Druid: Nature is cool
Warlock: Eldritch Demon Worship
Ranger: A fighter but also wild survival
Bard: Singing

If you want to know more about the class and precisely what you can choose, search it up on the Internet.

Things I will do:
- Follow the 5e rules.
- Explain everything if you need help.
- If you are struggling with choosing a race, I can make this a human-only party.
- Stats will be personally rolled by me and bent a little so they should be well-rounded. I don't want someone flapping around having rolled 6s on everything and be sad while everyone else gets to have the fun. You get to choose where you allocate them.
- This thread begins WITHOUT backgrounds. If you want to use backgrounds, we will discuss with the other members and decide whether or not we will use them.
- Nothing 18+. I am a minor. Most of us are minors.

 

@Barandofl
All right, that's accepted to me!
Rolling your stats got:
12, 14, 16, 18, 10, 14
how'd you get that nat 18 i'm very slightly jealous
You also get a natural +2 to CHA, being a Half-Elf, so please keep that in mind. You can also add +1 to any two other stats of your choice.

There are several sub-classes of half-elf according to each type of elf. I'll paste them below and you can select one.

Spoiler: Types of Half-Elf

General: 2 skill proficiencies
High/Wood Elf: Proficiency with longsword, shortsword, longbow, and shortbow.
High Elf: You can have one wizard spell cantrip, using INT.
Wood Elf: You can move 35 feet instead of 30 (except I never choose this.)
Wood Elf: You can hide with only lightly obscured by natural phenomena.
Dark Elf: You know Dancing Light cantrip, get Faerie Fire at level 3, and Darkness at level 5. These use Charisma to cast, and the latter two require a long rest in between (8 hours).
Sea Elf: You can swim 30 feet.

How much about the game do you know, or is there anything you want help with? I'm... actually quite new, I should clarify... if I do anything wrong, please tell me!

I just realized I forgot to explain the 6 stats oops
Strength (STR): Physical strength
Dexterity (DEX): Stealth, acrobatics, speed, that thing
Constitution (CON): HP
Intelligence (INT): Academic/Studial knowledge
Wisdom (WIS): Common sense
Charisma (CHA): Getting people to do what you want

 

@Jupjami
Looks perfect!
Seeing as you're new, I'll help you through the ropes with this one.
You're going to have to pick a sub-class of Dragonborn, which basically determinds what element your breath attack (dragonborn quirk) will be, its range, and what element you have resistance to. There's also what save your opponents will have to make in order to lessen the damage.
There are two types of breath attack: Line (5 x 30 inch^2) and Cone (15 inch)

Spoiler: Dragons yay

Black: Acid vomit, line, DEX save
Blue: Lightning, line, DEX save
Brass: Fire, line, DEX save
Bronze: Lightning, line, DEX save
Copper: Acid, line, DEX save
Gold: Fire, cone, DEX save
Green: Poison, cone, CON save
Red: Fire, cone, DEX save
Silver: Cold, cone, CON save
White: Cold, cone, CON save

Next thing you'll have to do is put down your stats. Assign them to STR, CON, DEX, WIS, INT, and CHA. Please note that Dragonborn will automatically add +2 to your STR and +1 to your CHA.
Here are your numbers, without modifiers!
15, 14, 10, 11, 15, 10

 

Holy peck, this is gonna be super helpful! Thank you so much!
Is there a possible way we could potentially share all of ours?

 

Thank you so much for making this!
@Jupjami You still have yet to choose a breath attack and assign your stats. Sorry if I'm being rude.

 

All right, so I'll roll up your stats... and you get to choose your spells. I hope you like pain.
Stats:
14, 13, 14, 14, 13, 11
Assign one of these numbers to each stat. As a wizard, you want high INT, and then DEX and CON, but you can put them as you wish.

You get 3 Cantrips and 6 spells. Every morning when you wake up, you can choose two spells you want to have around for the day. Cantrips can be cast at any time.

Spoiler: Cantrips, choose 3

• Acid Splash
• Blade Ward
• Booming Blade
• Chill Touch
• Control Flames
• Create Bonfire
• Dancing Lights
• Encode Thoughts
• Fire Bolt
• Friends
• Frostbite
• Green Flame Blade
• Gust
• Infestation
• Light
• Lightning Lure
• Mage Hand
• Mending
• Message
• Mind Slither (UA)
• Minor Illusion
• Mold Earth
• Poison Spray
• Prestidigitation
• Ray of Frost
• Shape Water
• Shocking Grasp
• Sword Burst
• Thunderclap
• Toll the Dead
• True Strike

Spoiler: Spells (Choose 6)

• Absorb Elements
• Alarm
• Burning Hands
• Catapult
• Cause Fear
• Charm Person
• Chromatic Orb
• Color Spray
• Comprehend Languages
• Detect Magic
• Disguise Self
• Earth Tremor
• Expeditious Retreat
• False Life
• Feather Fall
• Find Familiar
• Fog Cloud
• Grease
• Ice Knife
• Identify
• Illusory Script
• Jump
• Longstrider
• Mage Armor
• Magic Missile
• Protection from Evil and Good
• Puppet
• Ray of Sickness
• Sense Emotion
• Shield
• Silent Image
• Snare
• Sleep
• Sudden Awakening
• Tasha's Hideous Laughter
• Tenser's Floating Disk
• Thunderwave
• Unseen Servant
• Witch Bolt

@Jupjami
Just a quick tip - Monks want high DEX and WIS, and CON under those, so you probably want to lean towards those as well.

 

All right, that's good! Sorry I forgot to say, you're also accepted!
You still have a little bit more to go through. I'm sorry. Namely, choosing equipment and skills.
From these skills, choose two:
Arcana (magic), History, Insight (understanding intentions), Investigation (mysteries woot woot), Medicine, Religion

And your equipment, which is a bunch of choices.
Quarterstaff or Dagger
Component Pouch or Arcane Focus
Scholar's Pack or Explorer's Pack
and a spellbook
Also, your HP is 8, by the way. Wizards are very squishy.

From here I'm just gonna run a quick poll - please quote and vote for whether or not we should have backgrounds or if I should just toss items at y'all

 

Ah, thanks! I'll put that down on the Notes.
As for background, the way they work is that you choose an existing "background" from Dungeons and Dragons. They decide your equipment. Here's the full list:

Spoiler: Backgrounds (Long)

• Acolyte
• Anthropologist
• Archaeologist
• Charlatan
• City Watch
• Clan Crafter
• Cloistered Scholar
• Courtier
• Criminal
• Entertainer
• Faction Agent
• Far Traveler
• Folk Hero
• Gladiator
• Guild Artisan
• Guild Merchant
• Haunted One
• Hermit
• Inheritor
• Investigator
• Knight
• Knight of the Order
• Mercenary Veteran
• Noble
• Outlander
• Pirate
• Sage
• Sailor
• Soldier
• Spy
• Urban Bounty Hunter
• Urchin
• Uthgardt Tribe Member
• Waterdhavian Noble