I hate it when people decide to self-diagnose themselves with medical conditions and use it as an excuse. Even if it's a joke. A few good examples: Depression A.D.H.D. And especially bipolar disorder If you have not been diagnosed by a doctor but still claim you have any of these medical conditions, I'm calling bullshit on you and I automatically think lesser of you. If you don't take medication for these things, I won't believe you whatsoever. One of the main reasons I get so offended when someone tries to say they're bipolar is because both my mom and my grandma have bipolar disorder. They take medicine for it. If I'm not mistaken, they've both had it since birth. Bipolar disorder isn't something to fuck around with. I've seen my mother go into a crisis because of it at least 3 times now. It doesn't just fuck up her life, but everyone around her because of the bad choices she makes when not medicated. Something that pisses me the fuck off more than anything is when someone jokes around and says "Hahaha just yesterday I was mad at this person but now I'm cool with them, I'm soooo bipolar". Shut the fuck up. You have no fucking clue what it's like to be bipolar. I don't care if you're joking, if you're around me don't use that fucking word in a sentence like that. Same thing with depression. This is more aimed towards people who say they're depressed and have the worst excuses as to why. Sometimes I just feel like they want attention. But that sounds a little harsh. I just hate it when people use such ignorant excuses when their reasons are nearly completely invalid. If you claim to be depressed and actually take medicine for it given to you by your doctor, then I'll believe you. Claiming you're depressed and saying things like "I've been feeling sad these past few days because something happened at school" is what I like to call being a little bitch (please excuse my language). Man the fuck up, you're not the only person in the world who feels sad for a couple days, and I'm damn sure much worse is happening to someone else as you claim to be "suffering". Wow that was longer than I intended it to be.
I really don't like the fact that the area in which I live continuously worsens year on year. This is speaking in terms of....the particular brand of residents that move into homes around here. I could use a plethora of colloquial terms to describe such unsavory riffraff that probably wouldn't translate well on a platform such as this. The street I live on features a fair sampling of derelict buildings. I've found drug kits and dozens of alcohol bottles in the bushes. Someone always starts a drunken fight late in the night on a weekly basis, necessitating the intervention of An Garda Siochana(the police, which, despite the fact there's a barracks <5mins up the road, still gotta come from town to help). It's true for what a local paper here said recently; this place is turning into the ghettos of the mid-west, and I'm genuinely fearful for the future.
I honestly dislike that people seem to expect you to just up and ditch your friends at the first sign of them making a mistake. What ever happened to giving people chances? Whatever happened to sticking by your friends and helping them? That's what I try to do. Oh I understand this too much, the hospital here is a fucking joke. You're better off staying home because they'll kill you. There was one dude in the waiting room 7 hours before he finally croaked. I'm sick of how adults on tumblr treat kids. Just let them do their thing, they're not hurting you. I'm sick of my anxiety. I recently reconnected with a friend I had a falling out with, and said person was cool with it, but now I'm always anxious, ugh.
I'm at my fucking limit with stupid, ignorant, selfish, bigoted IDIOTS. JFC (I'm assuming that's an acronym for a particular phrase) people, I get it, I'm not the coolest guy around, I'm 20 pounds overweight, I talk too much, I live in a small apartment rather than an actual house, I'm a liberal, I'm not athletic, I'm lazy, I'm an atheist, I play tabletop games, I'm insecure, I don't have money in my wallet, I've never had a girlfriend, I'm a loser, I'm annoying, and I just want you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Just because I'm not a redneck does not mean that I'm a loser, okay? Take your ignorant, 5th-grade educated bigoted rear end and get it out of my sight! Oh, I'm an atheist? Well SORR-FUCKING-EE for not believing that a big man in the sky will solve all our fucking problems and I actually accept gay people. It's not my fault you can't actually think. Maybe if you used your brain, you'd see that same-sex marriage is normal! JFC people, come ON! Do you have ANY IDEA how absolutely INFURIATING your comments about my friends are to me? It's a fucking wonder that I haven't stabbed some of you yet! And oh god, anime. YES, I LIKE IT. DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT? YOU DO? ALRIGHT THEN, THERE'S THE DOOR, NOW GO USE IT, ASSHOLE. If you don't use it, I will stab the ever-loving shit out of you! JFC, I hate you so MUCH. Hey guys, how you doing? Oh yeah, I play D&D sometimes. Oh, so that's a problem now? I joined the D&D club, so now you can't be friends with me? Okay, it's not like this is new to me. Why don't you go join the big group of asswipes that have stabbed me in the back these past few years? I'm sure they'd love to have you! Let's see, one, two... okay then, that makes thirteen people I've tried to be friends with that have decided to ditch me when I could use some help! Congrats guys, you've made the top twenty! Kudos to you, assholes! Oh, hello Mister Band Director. Oh, you're having me fail the class for this term because I couldn't make it to the first few practices? Well I'm sorry that I have to take care of my dog, who has fucking LYMPHOMA, and I have to watch her WASTE AWAY and there's NOTHING I can do about it! So yeah, you want to bitch at me because I have to take care of a dog with fucking CANCER, then FINE. SCREW YOU, YOU OLD ASSHOLE! GO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN BLIND DOG, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! *sighs* That was a lot longer than I'd intended... This is without a doubt my new favorite thread. I needed this.
The 'regional hospital' here is an utter joke. For an establishment priding itself to be the regional hospital for the midwest, the services offered are abysmal. I can't understand why they would relegate old age pensioners to trolley beds situated in a fucking corider. For christ sake's they're at least 70 years old! Why rob them of their dignity when they're in obvious need of medical care. Over this, and other stuff, am I pissed off to the gills and upset beyond the point that I'm struggling to focus on college. Goddammm.
Sometimes I wonder about people. I've met a lot of jerks and horrible people in my life, a lot of shallow, indecent people. In fact they're contributing factors to the mess that is me. I've been mentally stretched, squashed, inverted, pummeled and shredded. I've never been perfect: in fact I never got the chance to enjoy my younger years better. Ever since I existed, I've had tendinitis from the hips down that hinder me a fair bit. Running hurts, standing hurts, sitting hurts, everything hurts and there's no escape. I never got the chance others had to make a good youth. I was forced down the path of giving that up. Next, comes my Autism. I have no problem with having it, it makes me who I am, and I wouldn't change that. But it did contribute to my current mental instability. It made me an easy target, anfd I went through years of bullying. Now I remember one kid who said "we all get bullied, part of life". I couldn't speak to him for a while after that, cause he didn't know the depth of my mental wounds. Those wounds messed me up. I talk about not caring about what others think, but if I feel I've been left out, even over the smallest things, I sort of break down about it. Sometimes I'm terrified about being accepted, about being me, because those years of bullying put me through that sort of crap. Unacceptance, verbal abuse, taking advantage of my innocence and ripping it up, leaving me out of everything. On several occasions I stooped to suicidal thoughts it was that bad. I went through half a year of counciling after that, and even now I struggle recounting the experience. What's worse is I know my laziness, I know how I'm rather slack, to the point of being too lazy to do something about it, and that's something I can't be with all my college work. The fact I don't fix it drives me farther down the line of insanity I'm already on, and what's worse is I find it almost impossible to change that. Which only worsens it. Not a day goes by now that I don't feel sad, or terrified, or lonely, or targeted, or bad, or angry, and usually the day will contain a combination of these things. I know my mental problems are somewhat irrational, cause I know there are no hard feelings behind a person forgetting about me or otherwise, but I still can't help a breakdown. But complaining about myself is being selfish. Really the head of the matter is bullying. I hate- no correction, I loathe, despise and am disgusted by bullies. They are scum, terrible people. I get insulting in a friendly way, I do that too, but bullying is not that. It's a cowardly way of getting pleasure out of ones misfortune by picking on the weak ones. It's horrid and despicable to see. I just hope you aren't one cause if you are, you better know how to run fast.
It's something that's been really getting on my nerves recently, something that I see endlessly around the internet and anywhere else for thast matter, and I just need to vent. It's about OCD. I certainly don't have it, but I've seen it day in, day out. Why? My brother has it, and let me tell you it certainly isn't helping his life. OCD, or Over Compulsive Disorder, is an issue where you (as far as I can put it) overly obsess over certain things that you find yourself micromanaging it. What gets on my nerves is people who are like "my OCD demands I finish this lol" and think it's one big hilarious joke, but it's a genuine disorder, something you shouldn't mock like that. My brother, who has genuine OCD, has a bunch of issues, like with whether he's hygenic enough or not, and worrying to the point of micromanaging my looking after of the dog I look after. This reflects on him badly, but it's something he can barely control due to his OCD. And the guilt and trauma and worry that puts him through is far from a joke. It's a genuine issue hard to work around, and joking about OCD without having proper proof of it hurts my view of you, cause I actually live with an OCD person. Just, when you're gonna joke about it, think first before you speak. Stuff like that is not a funny matter.
I'm absolutely hating college right now. I had to drop out my fall courses, because I couldn't download a program to my computer in one of my classes and I didn't want to fail the course because of it. I asked the professor, and the help desk and I got nothing. One day I had to sit in class just watching the teacher while everyone else followed him on their computers because they could actually download the program. They all had macbooks too, but mines should be able to download that program too, and I don't want to spend extra money on a Mac, especially since I prefer HP computers. So now I have to wait until the spring time to take classes again, meanwhile i'm just sitting here feeling like a dumbass because i'm not in college right now and all the rest of my friends are in college. However, when I go back i'm only going to take 2 classes for spring instead of all 6 at one time because all that work just stresses me out. I'm not the best when it comes to studying or doing homework either, so I have to work on that. Honestly I spent some nights awake just worrying about college when I had so much to worry about, and I started to say more negative stuff than usual because of the days I had. I never really liked school, ever. The only times I ever liked school is when it was the last day of school, and the only reason why i'm going to college is so I could get a job that pays more, but it's so frustrating to me at the moment.
I got a lot on my mind again, so I'll just dump this here. Spoiler: It's k, no need to read dis Well, to begin, I'll rant about the little things that annoy me, and then see where it takes me from there. This hasn't happened recently, but just the thought of it annoys me even a little. Everyone has times where they're doing okay, and times when they're not. A very common question that is asked during those times is "Are you okay?". I, personally, am almost always okay, at least 85% of the time. I have my days where I don't talk as much, where I seem bored or a little extra quiet, but that doesn't mean something is wrong. But apparently, people don't tend to think so. Here's an example situation. "Are you okay?" "Yeah I'm fine" "Are you sure?" "Yes" "Is there something wrong?" "No, I'm fine" "Tell me what's wrong" "I said I'm fine" "I can tell you seem annoyed today, are you sure there's nothing wrong?" I was fine, until you kept fucking bugging, trying to tell ME that I'M not fine, when I was 100% okay at the time. It is at that moment that my face goes from looking bored to looking annoyed. One of the main things I hate most about anybody is persistency. It doesn't matter what it is, if you're persistent about something, especially if it's not even that important, then at some point I will start to become annoyed by you. But, while I'm on the topic of being okay and not okay, I'll get into a deeper subject while I still have my train of thought. Something I've always seen or heard of while growing up is how everyone always has that "one friend they can always tell everything to". I've thought about this a lot within the past year, and I've come to realize that I haven't really ever had that kind of friend. At one point, I didn't even believe that kind of friend existed. That was probably me lying to myself again so that I don't have to face the truth (yet another one of my cons, yay). Whenever I see or hear about that kind of friend, it makes me kind of sad to be honest. It also makes me think. I'm not sure if this is my fault for not trying to open up to anybody, or if I just haven't found that kind of friend yet. I have a bunch of different friends, some of them I'm able to tell secretive things that I usually wouldn't tell other people - but it's almost never the same thing to each friend. Some of my friends know things about me or things that have happened to me that none of my other friends would have probably never guessed. I'm sure that's pretty normal though. But it still bothers me sometimes... Why haven't I had that kind of friend in my 18 years of life? I've considered the point that I don't trust everyone the same way. Hell, I don't even trust some people at all to be completely honest. It still seems kinda weird to me though. It also makes things kinda tough at times as well. Not having that kind of friend places restrictions on me in a way, when I'm feeling down, when I'm not sure what to do, or when I'm not sure how I feel or why I feel this way or just wanna talk, like right now. I don't have too many people I can just "talk" to. And when I say that, I mean have a deep conversation with, and have them understand me or maybe even be on the same page as me. It sucks, cuz I actually really enjoy having deep conversations. It allows me to open up (little by little) about the things I've kept bottled up for who knows how long. It's been a long while since I've been able to do that too, I think. About a year and a half now, if I'm not mistaken, but idk. I sincerely miss being able to do that with someone. Talk about something deep for a night, get things off your mind, and then continue tomorrow the same way we normally would. I dunno man, after a while of bottling stuff up, it gets hard to not feel sad every now and then. There have also been times where a couple close friends have said to me "If you ever wanna talk, just let me know, alright?". But ironically, when someone offers me that option, I always tend to push them away further than before, or try even harder to hide things from them. And having a friend that I'm not very close to offer me that option is even worse. I won't even consider most of the time. I'm a pretty strange person when it comes to logic and functionality, I don't make much sense at times. Not even I understand myself at times... So to ask to find someone who is able to understand me is improbable, I guess. I still hope to find that person one day though. Not sure when who it'll be or when it'll happen, but sooner is always better than later... But I'm just feeling sad for myself at this point. I've been doing alright by myself, I'm sure I can handle it for a good while longer. I had other things in mind to type out, but that last subject kinda took over my train of thought, so I'll leave it at that.
Nothing important, just letting off steam hmmm Spoiler Its taken me a while to realise it but for a decent few months now I've been shoulder a hell of a lot of paranoia and it's starting to interfere with things more and more but I have no idea what to do about it. I'm confused about people I consider friends, wondering if they're just dealing with me because I'm of some use occasionally, or are thinking of ditching me at some point anyway. I get that my personality is shitty so I can understand why they'd feel that way but not knowing is tearing at me. I find myself holding back on talking because I'm tired of being pushed aside or flat out ignored. I'm not upset or angry about it, just tired. I can't get on the bus now without feeling crushed by endless questions in my head. 'Is anyone looking at me? Is my music too loud? Can people hear me breathing or swallowing? Is my expression okay? Am I annoying anyone? Should I move?' and so on for the entire journey. Get off the bus and I'm hung up about whether or not I'm walking right, if I should completely avoid looking at people walking in the opposite direction or glance at them once or twice. Is the way I'm talking okay? Should I laugh now or not? On the note of laughing, I've noticed that the majority of times that I laugh it's not genuine. I'm following a written script in my head and 'haha' happened to come next. I didn't find what they or I said humorous at all, I'm just adding laughter where I expect it should be, or where I've seen other people add it. I'm possessed by an obsession to act normal without really knowing what is considered normal and acceptable? I've tried ditching attempts at fitting in but I can't stick with it. It's more beneficial to come off as upstanding anyway. The people I find myself most comfortable around are people I know dislike me because I feel I can act freely around them. It doesn't matter if I do or say something strange or abnormal because they already see me negatively and, given that they're not outspoken or particularly liked themselves, I know I can change my act and convince anyone they relay to that they're lying. I've set things up conveniently enough that way but even so, I don't enjoy talking with them. Their opinions clash with mine and they don't listen to me, leave me behind if I take a moment too long preparing to leave. I want actual friends who like me and treat me nicely but then I'll end up questioning everything again. All this thinking has fired up my biting again too which is irritating. My nails have no length, sometimes getting painfully short. The skin on my thumb was completely shredded yesterday and it still hurts, but I can't stop myself when I'm distracted. It looks disgusting and I hate it when people look at my hands now but it keeps happening. I don't have gloves or any of that foul tasting varnish but even if I did apply it, the taste would be a passing thought and I'd chew through it again. It didn't work last time so I doubt it'll work now.
This one is on a less serious/severe note, but it's something that annoys me greatly nonetheless. I'm not saying everyone that does this is a piece of shit or anything, because that's clearly not true, but I seriously detest how some people type in such an unnecessary manner. I seriously do not fucking see the point. Let me provide a few prime examples. When people type like this???? When they're not even???? Asking a question??????????? when people tyPE LIKE THIS OUT OF NOWHERE When people use an action/verb at the beginning/end of their sentence to act as if they're defining the way they say/do something (EX: 1) whispers this is what I mean 2) sweats I hope that was clear enough When people use the word "literally", when they don't actually mean it (EX: "I will literally jump in front of a train if that happens." No. No you fucking won't. So shut the fuck up. When people constantly (and unnecessarily) add "tbh" (and some others that I can't think of atm) at the end of their sentences (EX: 1.I can't believe it's not butter tbh 2. That's pretty cool tbh) -- I used to be guilty of this but I stopped after I noticed how annoying it was when people type in all lowercase letters (this one doesn't bother unless I'm already in a bad mood, idk why) I'm sorry man, but if you type like that, chances are that I've been annoyed with you at some point (maybe on multiple occasions too) and probably think lesser of you as a person. But clearly, I'm not saying that you're a bad person if you type like that. I'm also not saying you're an annoying person either. And of course, I can't force you to stop typing the way you do. But your typing style is very, very annoying to me, and that is my 100% honest opinion. The way I type probably annoys someone somewhere too, now that I think about it. Too many emoticons, too many lol's and lmao's at the end of my sentences. Who knows. But then again, who cares.
When someone uses a mental condition as an excuse or a crutch, that's one thing. When someone uses the crutch itself as the subject of their vent, that's understandable. But when someone has a mental condition, and is trying to function like a human being, but is also being thrown in the same stereotypical pit as the hypochondriacs, we call that frustration. I don't know how many people get disability checks from social security and spend it on beer, cigarettes, drugs, or runaway shopping binges, but even if I was completely covered by social security, I would still try to find a way to earn an honest living, at least so I can make a case for myself and others like me, who have disabilities but still want to live a life of dignity, even if we need help in certain areas. I have Asperger's, ADHD, and a chronic sleeping condition that's like insomnia and jetlag combined. My body never wants to sleep at a consistent time. I go through intense mood swings. I have terrible anxiety, and I'm also being examined for depression. I have a low frustration tolerance and I've suffered heavy intellectual abuse at a young age. I have chemical imbalances in my brain that make it difficult to adapt to stress. Simply put, my mind is an absolute mess; a mishmash of conflicting emotions. But you know what? For all the punishment I've had to go through, from the age of 8 onwards, I would never have my unique outlook on life, I would never have developed such a keen intuition as I have now, if I had allowed the voices of my peers to convince me that I had no future. I would never had made the friends I have now. And I would never have developed a heartfelt sense of empathy and compassion for others, even if I do get angry sometimes. I may never be completely free of my difficulties, and I always will need help in some areas of my life. But I never allow that to become an excuse to do nothing. I'm always trying to improve myself in one way or another.
*rocks up with janitor outfit* Someone said there was a air vent that needed clearing. Right now I'm honestly pissed at two of my teachers. The first one, who I love normally, is just prying into people's personal lives too much at the moment. One of my classmates is a bit... out of it recently, and he keeps trying to help, but as soon as his help is denied he will constantly barrage her with questions about what's going on when she clearly doesn't want to talk about it. I realise that if she actually does have a problem it's best to talk about it, but she doesn't want to. And recently one of my classmates was extremely peeved about a mark he got for his solo performance when previously he had been told he would likely get two grade higher than what he got. My teacher asked him why he looked peeved and he said that he didn't want to say anything in case he says something that could be taken extremely out of proportion. However, the teacher kept insisting that the student talk about it while the student KEPT SAYING he didn't want to in case something slipped out and he wanted to cool off before talking about it. My teacher told him to come into another room and talk about it. Also, my teacher was talking about how the only thing I ever do is play video games, and occasionally he even goes on a rant about how video games ruin your life and stuff. He clearly forgets the fact that I had been working the most diligently in my free time to get an assignment for that subject WHICH HE SAW AND MENTIONED NUMEROUS TIMES IN CLASS done up to a draft standard, and I was doing other stuff waiting for him to actually get around to looking at it for me. I'm extremely proactive with my work (contrary to what I say on Showdown), but he insists that video games and other BS always takes presidence over my schoolwork. The other teacher is a bigger pain in the you know what. In class he actively insults people and clearly plays favourites with some people. He puts jokes at the bottom of each page of the workbook, and with some of them he demeaningly put a few students' names in the jokes. Two examples: "<Insert Joke here>, Student A and Student B won't get this joke." and "Oxidants happen. Student C." And whenever people don't get what he is teaching, he never thinks that it's a problem on his side in translating information, he always comments on how it's such a simple concept, why can't they understand it. Some people can't think outside the box of what they've been specifically taught, so loosely introducing a new concept for 3 minutes then expecting everyone to solve questions about it in 30 seconds is not possible. Even the people in the class like me who can connect the dots between concepts can't grasp these new concepts that well in just a lousy 3 minute explanation. And I feel like I can't go to him for help because he insists that what I'm trying to understand is easy and doesn't actually explain it or says, "that's not in the syllabus so don't worry." I actually had to go to a different teacher to get help on two of my assignments because i didn't trust him to help.
This is Ho-Oh speaking, not Lugia my twin sister: I really wish I could help everybody here, but the thing that is crushing me right now is the swearing on Lake Valor. I love everybody in this site, even if I don't know them. But I can't see how a lovely sight could permit such a heartsore... I'm very sensitive and insecure around swearing so could there please be anything done about it? Anyway, right now, I'm feeling really bad about people, specifically, human beings. I simply cannot trust humans and I find it hard to like our, um... 'species'. I love everybody as an individual, but it's difficult for me to like mankind in general. Why? It's because I've mainly been exposed to the badness and selfishness of humans. That is, they only care about themselves and no other innocent animal or environment. Animal cruelty is EVERYWHERE! Animals are amongst my closest friends and amongst the only friends that ever understand me for who I am and not what they expect (unlike many humans). To see my friends end up as food, 'waste' and resources, and to see them suffer for the sake of greedy humans makes me cry. Please, nobody get me wrong. I love people, and am willing to be friends with everyone, but my wish is that people would begin to realize their errors and admit what they do is wrong and stop (eating) and causing animals to suffer! I'm always sad of myself and disappointed. I can never seem to get anything right. However, I'm glad I'm starting to think more positive! From "Why me?" to "Try me!", I think I've become a much happier person, though I'm still sad at the world.
Spoiler I don't care. Haha, just kidding. I really, really do. it's getting hard to actually feel like i belong anywhere. maybe i never have. and maybe i never will. it hurts, hearing friends discuss plans in front of me while not including me in any of them. its probably petty but its kinda like the elementary school thing, where your parents tell you not to hand out invitations in public places to avoid hurting to feelings of people you didnt invite. its kinda childish, but thats how ive felt twice in the span of a month. and then my friend is like, "you should have been there". i would have tried if i knew i was wanted. maybe it's because they knew i would say no. i dont get along with many people in the bigger group, i only prefer to stay within my close circle of friends. but when my friend told me who was at the thing, i was cool with everyone who was there. it wouldnt have taken too much time for them to at least ask me if i wanted to go, right??? even if i said no, would it be that much of a waste of time? it would save my feelings, and im insecure enough as it is. but thats probably selfish. maybe its because i dont speak up about anything. i dont like confrontation. the few times ive tried standing up to somebody, they lashed out at me. they may have been in the wrong, and eventually everything turned out ok, but i cant get over it. for the longest time, i thought i was. then earlier this month it came back. it still haunts me. hell, i dont even like eating in skype calls anymore. i still do it, but i feel insecure. How much are you eating? it comes to mind every time i sit by my computer while eating. i still find myself holding back on explaining things i dont have to, because six months ago if i didnt explain it it would just end up badly. and the great thing is, i still think its all my fault this happened. i was so stupid. there was no way of knowing one thing would lead to that, but i should have backed out earlier. theres a guy in my english class. cant stand him. its not his fault. im having trouble letting go, again. gone are the days where i cried myself to sleep because i was afraid of the consequences, but now reminders are everywhere. i dont know which is worse. lately ive been feeling disconnected from everyone. i feel like wherever i go, im the least wanted person there. like with my friends. maybe its my fault. maybe im making that the case by myself, maybe im projecting my insecurities and badly misinterpreting them. i dont know, but i feel really lonely. it just seems like wherever i go, im just 'that person' thats just there. nothing more, nothing less. just taking up space where a void might be better. because does anyone really want me around? i thought we were going to tell each other. is this your way of paying me back for that joke? or is it because i didnt tell you first? probably. i still feel bad, but that just made me feel worse. no one tells me anything, and usually im the last to hear of stuff. "you didnt know that?" no, because no one told me. usually its not my business anyway, so i dont care then. but when everyone and their mother except me knows, it hurts. really helps me feel like everyone would be better off without me. then theres all the crap about the future. i dont want to go to college. i dont want to waste my time trying to pay off a debt i'll probably die trying to pay when eventually i'll just die anyway. but thats it, isnt it? ive never really planned for a future. not since middle school, when everything started getting worse. and it hasnt gotten better from there. i just feel like a burden to everyone, including myself. i feel like no one truly wants me around. like im just someone everyone tolerates because they feel like they have to. its tiring. its lonely. i hate it, and i hate myself.
Liars, mayne. Never liked them, never will. I'm sure I'm not the only one though, because who really likes liars? I understand that sometimes it's better to lie than be blunt and speak the truth, but that really only applies to when it's something that could hurt someone's feelings (and a few other certain situations), so why not just tell the truth if it's not even gonna end up like that? Personally, I get much more annoyed and hurt when I catch someone lying than I would have if I was told the truth. It's pretty ridiculous sometimes, cuz the situation is so simple but they still feel the need to lie about it lol. I guess it's also my fault for getting annoyed at something so silly, but in my defense, I'm not annoyed about them not doing what they said they would, but instead about them lying. But I'd be a pretty huge hypocrite if I said I don't lie, because that's obviously not true. But I try to be as truthful as possible, as much as possible, because I like being seen as someone who's honest and trustworthy. Slightly relevant to the whole lying thing, I find myself getting a lot more annoyed with everybody now-a-days, and I'm not very sure why. Sometimes I have very good reasons to be, but other times it's just some petty shit that doesn't make much sense. I don't like to consider myself a petty person, because I don't like holding grudges, but I seem to still hold them regardless. And for very long times too. Sometimes you won't even realize I'm mad about something, when in reality, I feel a very slight disliking towards you because of what you did that annoyed me in the past. I believe that there is only a single person who is exempt from this, and that is my best friend. I won't get too in depth into it, but he is one of the few people that I can never hold a serious grudge against. My memory plays a very important part in this as well, because I seem to remember a lot of stupid shit that happened months or years ago that doesn't even matter at all anymore. But I still remember them regardless, and very vividly at that. Hopefully this isn't something that'll last much longer, or it's something that I'll be able to figure out why it's happening. Although I have slight reason to believe that it's the environment I'm in and the people I'm around. But I guess it's something that only time will tell.
I am tired of people always still calling me a homophobe and transphobe and spreading hatred about me for it... I know I used to say bad things about homosexuality but I don't anymore and I have NEVER said or done anything 'transphobic' so I don't know where that came from. People still claim I'm a homophobe even when the bad things I said were from years ago and nobody believes I'm different now. There was even someone on deviantArt telling my LGBT friends I harm gay people in real life when I have never done anything like that. I stand up for gay people who get bullied, I help people with their same-gender relationships, I call people by their desired pronounds, but still people think I'm a horrible person for saying 'homosexuality is disturbing' when I was 14... people can change their minds but nobody seems to get that. It's just that homophobic and transphobic are very hurtful insults to call me because I feel so guilty for being homophobic in the past and it hurts me that people think I still am.
I guess I must clear something out of my metaphoric vent right now. Most of the time, I have a feeling that nobody likes me. It's for one main cause: I'm kind to animals, and I'm passionate about that kindness. I get angry when people say or do bad things to/about animals such as saying that they had a hamburger on the weekends, and calling people animals (which is huge offense to animals). Many humans believe that animals are "dumb, stupid brutes and beasts that don't understand our language" when in fact, it's the other way around (not in that way - honest, but that is the extent of my thoughts. I guess I'm emotionally scarred at what humans do to animals. Sorry). People I know socially alienate me for believing that animals are equal to, and have equal rights to humans. I have a strong belief that they are not dumb (they're really not, it's just that we can't understand them), that they are neat, tidy and organised creatures that respect the environment, care for the natural balance and do not pollute this world, unlike people. Back to what I was saying. People in my school community judge me for it, give me weird looks and make fun of me because I claim that I hate eating meat and that I treat animals like family, all for fun, as they say, but they're unaware that they severely damage me. I also believe that when I state that things (such as horse racing) are wrong, people direct their flustered state at me because they know it's wrong but want to keep agreeing with it. It's even people in my family, I suppose (it might not be true), that are furious or scared that I love animals and try to be nice to them. Why? Whatever the case, however, I shall never cease to love animals and treat them as true friends, for they treat me right where people do not.
I hate this mentality that's popular online where if you make one mistake even, you're a terrible person who should be hated. It's got me so anxious to even come online because I'm a human and I make mistakes, it's bound to happen isn't it? Even moreso with my invasive thoughts that tell me to fuck up, that tell me to make mistakes and I have to hold myself back and I can't be myself because then everyone will hate me. It probably wouldn't be this way without my illnesses, but this is how I am, and I can't help it. I just wish people were more forgiving online.
One thing I wish people understood about me is the fact that I have PTSD, social anxiety, and depression. Yeah, I get that all of these things are hard to understand--I don't understand them myself. No matter what anyone says, no matter what caused these issues to arise or develop: they do not make any sense whatsoever. They absolutely suck to live with, and it's not okay that they even exist. Disorders of these kind mentally break people. They strip people of who they could be, they rob them of who they want to be. I've grown to have rather thick skin over the years, thanks to real life situations that robbed me of my childhood far earlier than one should have to experience and the internet folk I was involved with. When I break, I break hard. I bottle every emotion up and hide them away because I hate to deal with them, and I unintentionally deceive those I care about as a result. I need people to understand that I'm always a fucking nervous wreck--I always have worries about something. I'm always there for anyone that needs me, but when does it become acceptable to need someone else? When does it become acceptable to want to be wanted for a reason other than personal gain? I know that some people are naturally just "sadder" than others, but when will people learn that those people aren't emotional punching bags? Why can I never escape the feelings of being abandoned or being worthless?
