Spoiler I might say I won't change but I'm scared I'm going to, that I'll break under the constant peer pressure and abandon things I've loved for so long. I'm scared that I'll snap under the weight of hiding so many secrets. I'm scared because even though I seem like someone who doesn't care, I do and I want this feeling to be gone, this weight to be gone. I've learned that I can't ever say anything's bothering me. I've learned to always say 'I'm fine' when I'm not. There's a reason I'm on here so much-I don't want to face the world. Call me a coward. But I don't want to. It's a nightmare to force myself to return to the society that will never accept me and I've given up trying to convince myself I will ever be normal. I won't, and although I've come to terms with it, I want someone to look at me and see that I really just want them to accept me for who I am, quirks and weirdness included. But I don't think I will ever find that. I've kept my head down and learned to avoid the eyes of the other people. Guess that's what I'll keep on doing. #MissingNo
Spoiler People judge me for what I do, what I say, what I've done. They don't know how much it hurts. I just want a place that I can be myself, talk about what I want to, and keep loving the fandom that got me through so much. I would be so different without Pokémon. I just want people to accept me, but I know they won't. My family doesn't outright say it, but they want me to change. Everyone wants me to change from who I am. And I'm scared I will. Can't they just leave me alone? But nature punishes the weak. If they only knew. If they knew what I could do, what I would do, what lengths I will go to, they would be afraid. I've never really admitted this before, but my writing isn't just a fanfiction. #MissingNo
I am saddened by the fact that it seems most people I know choose to deny themselves their rightful rage. Anger has become an emotion synonymous in many people's minds with evil, bad things, a lack of self control. It breaks my heart to see people choose distress and despair to suppress their frustrations rather than embrace their emotions to seek understanding, balance, and control. Anger, like any other emotion, is a powerful tool when tempered with wisdom and caution. I'd almost call anger and passion the same emotion in different contexts. I'm just sad and confused by the ways people choose to deny who they really are and what they really feel.
I think I'm going to be on this thread a lot. Like, pathetically a lot. But I need a screen in between me and the people reading these words because I can't do it face-to-face. I've already said I'm a coward, so we're all cool with that, right? Spoiler What I really want is for me to have a place that is mine. A place where I can say what I think and not get judged for it. What scares me is that I might do something crazy to find that silence, that freedom, because I want it more than anything else. I'm terrified I'm going to do something I regret a lot and end up hurting the society that hates me, the one I hate right back, and I might just enjoy it too much to stop. Seriously, I need someone to talk me through this. I need to control this feeling, this urge that I know is going to end up either driving me off the edge or hurting a lot of people. I just need someone to listen and not judge me. Please, I seriously need this or I might snap under this pressure. I'm so scared. Thanks for listening, computer screen. #MissingNo
I'm seriously so pissed at my mother. She thinks we can just go and not pay our debts and that this shady company will somehow deal with it! Newsflash, you'll go to jail! You and my step dad both! And I'll be alone! THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT PAY YOUR DEBTS. NO company can magically make your debts vanish! This is a SCAM. You stupid twat! I wish I could just let all my feelings out because I'm about to explode!
Well, I'm back again. Yeah, it's pathetic, sad, disappointing, everything I am. Spoiler I'm not good enough. Not for my family, not for people, not for society, I am not good enough and never will be. I know that because even if I do change they won't believe it. Never will. I don't know what I can do to get people to believe me, to trust me again, but how can I ask for that when I don't even trust or believe them? Maybe it's because I've been keeping up this act for so long. Because all I showed them was my shell, and now all they know is my shell, and now they will never let me leave it. But I deserve that. I mean, you've seen me. I am insane. I seriously will not balk at anything. I don't feel regret, remorse, anything for what I've done. I am genuinely a 'bad guy'. I've been cheating, lying, betraying, and stealing for longer than I can remember. If they want a villain, they can have one. #MissingNo
No, I don't have an excuse this time, because I'm all out. And mostly because I'm fricking tired of excuses. Spoiler I have gone through a lot of depression and bullying in the past-still do, actually-and I have had suicidal thoughts before. I've never actually put an attempt on my life, but that's mostly because of writing. Okay, I'm admitting it. My writing is my coping method, and that's the reason I based my OC so closely off myself. Yeah, it's unhealthy, but I actually write my problems into the story and pretend that they aren't mine anymore. I haven't actually told just about anyone about this, mostly because I know they'd never believe me. I've put up the 'I'm fine' mask for so long, nobody will believe that I am who I am once I-if I ever-take that mask off. I am fucking sick of having to accommodate everyone and pretend that I'm just fine all the time, when I can't remember the last time I laughed out loud. This is pathetic and I'm too scared to fix it. I am currently pretty depressed right now, and although I haven't hurt myself yet, I know I'm going to cave sooner or later. I'm ashamed of this problem I have, and believe me, I've tried telling people about it. They don't fucking listen. Nobody listens to me. So I just keep my head down and shut up, because there's only so long you can go with nobody caring or believing in you before you just give up. And I fucking give up, okay? #MissingNo
Why is it that people lean on me so much!? I feel like I am obligated to help anyone and everyone. Still it makes me sick to my stomach feeling.
Skittle. Please don't read this. I'm begging you... Spoiler: You can look if you're not Skittle I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've hurt so many people just because I'm here. I'm sorry I can't be like everyone else and all I can do is hurt people I don't know. Would it be better if I just lied about who I was? Would I be better off making people feel terrible? I need an answer so bad. Please give me that answer. Even though I'm happy with who I am, I'm not. I'm not happy with anything I've done even though I am. I want to rip up all my art because I'm not drawing a character a certain way that makes me remember my regrets. I want to delete all my fanfics because I've apparently been calling a character something she doesn't want to be called even though that person who thinks so is too far from reality. I keep going back to the things and people that hurt me. I'm not sure why. I'm sorry.
Spoiler Why me. Why do I find comfort in things that will ultimately go against me? I'm just so sorry for everything I love. I truly am. I make promises and theyre always broken. All the fucking time. I can't trust anybody anymore. Don't even try to comfort me. I don't need happiness or decency in my life at all. I'm sorry.
Spoiler Why do I waste my tears and time on people that don't really care? Why do I give my heart out to people when it's so easily crushed? Do I care too deeply or do they care too little? What do I keep doing wrong?
