Feedback Wanted Activity weekly (Every Tuesday) Timezone Modern Fantasy Spoiler: Chapters Chapter 1: Green tea Chapter 2: Chai tea Greetings, I am Link. You may know me from the Roleplay corner where I control the souls of the innocent. Or the game corner which I flooded on accident. Besides that i'm not active elsewhere. I have an active imagination and I think a lot about random stuff and not paying attention in class. I've been forming a story in my head for a long time and I think it's time I wrote it all down and shared it. Chapter one. Green tea It was the Midst of summer the sun was covered up by clouds painted gray. The sky seemed to have been splashed with a water bucket filled with clouds. Clouds scattered all around as a sound of thunder was heard in the far distance. A forest laid underneath the clouds. Green leaves scattered around as far as the eye could see. Valleys of trees and shrubs could be seen and in the far distance a set of mountains could be seen. Water was running down the biggest one that had snow laying on the top like a blanket. A soft plitterpatter was heard as rain started to fall out of the sky. A lone cabin in the middle of the forest sat a wooden cabin with three windows, a porch made of half logs, a lone rocking chair sat still on the corner of the porch. The cabin had three candles lit inside. Zaen Yamari a teenager male with messy black hair with yellow tips, 5'8, white toned skin, wearing a black jacket with a crimson t-shirt under it, blue jeans that were a little to long, a golden pendent that touched his lower chest. Was stuck outside as the rain started. He ran along the forest path in hopes of finding shelter. The rain started to grow heavy and the clouds seemed to roar in from the mountains. A loud crack could be heard as a bolt of lightning was sent at the ground and a loud crash of thunder bellows over the mountains making an echo . Zaen ran and ran his heart pounding till he saw the faint light of the candles. He got closer and saw it was a wooden cabin "I'm saved!" Zaen chanted as he ran to the front door and attempted to open the door. A rattle was heard as Zaen looked down "God damn it! It's locked. . ." He knocks on the door remembering the candles that were lit. "Hellloo!" Zaen yells as the door latch starts to unlock and Zaen backs away from the door to let it open. An old man in a blue kimono, balding hair, cracked lens glasses, 5'5, a wooden cane with an owl on the end walks out "Why hello there sonny how may I help you?" The man says with a shaken voice. "Hello, i've been stuck out in the rain and I have no way to get home. May I please stay here for a while?" Zaen says in a bit of a embarrassed tone. "Why of course! I always love company!" The old man says cheerfully . "You don't look that wet to me though. How long were you out? I'll prepare some green tea." The old man says as he opens up the doorway to let Zaen in "Thank you. I was only about three ish minutes. . ." Zaen walks in and looks around and sees about seven candles lit. The scent of old books sweeps the room and he looks around seeing old books around. "Nice place you have here." Zaen says as he walks around a little. "Do you live alone?" Zaen says as he admires the books "Oh yes I do. . . My wife passed away about seven years ago. I've lived in this cabin for about thirty years." The old man says while smiling a little thinking of the happy moments he had with his wife "I'm sorry to hear that. . ." "She was an amazing gal . . . So adventuress always wanted to do the dangerous stuff. . . Sadly . . . God had another plan for her." The old man sighs as he walks over to a room "She got really ill and was in endless suffering. Nothing could help her. If only medicine had progressed a little faster. . . She'd still be with me . . ." The old man grabs two mugs and grabs some little bags. He places the bags in the cups and grabs a kettle and pours water into the kettle. "Do you think about her a lot?" Zaen asks as he looks at the candles that were wickering away and slowly breaking apart. "All the time . . . If I don't than she'll be forgotten in heaven and will be sent to hell. " The kettle starts to whistle as the old man picks it up and pours it into the cups. "I'm sorry I haven't asked but what is your name?" The old man asks with a smile. " Zaen Yamari " The pitterpater of the rain, the scent of old books and an aroma of green tea soothed Zaen. "My name is Ira Kirahama" The old man says as he places the cups on the table. "Green tea is an amazing soother is it not?" Ira says while slowly sipping on the tea. Zaen smiles a little as he slowly sips on his tea "It is . . ." Zaen hears a strike of thunder and jolts a little as the thunder comes in a little while later. "Scared of the storm?" Ira says while snickering. Zaen blushes a little "It just startled me" The storm started to calm down and the sun shined through the fallstreak. Zaen stands up and the old man follows "It was an honor meeting you Ira. I hope we can meet again one day." Zaen bows and opens the door "Can you please do me one favor?" Ira says as he stumbles to the door " Remember my wife. . . Kanna Kirahama. She will be forgotten if someone on this earth does not remember her. The only other way is to get to the edge of the mountain and make a sacrifice sending them to hell to make the other stay in heaven forever. . . My firstborn did that for me. . . But not for her." Zaen nods as he walks out the door and walks to the path "Now how do I find home . . . ?" Zaen mutters under his breath. You may be a little confused on what this story is about. This will be explained in greater detail in future chapters. Zaen is on an adventure to find his old home. He got stuck out in the rain and met Ira. Ira explains how a person can stay in heaven . If they're forgotten on earth they'll be turned to dust and forgotten in heaven as well. Zaen will soon encounter a foe he needs to fight. Just wait for the future chapters and the story here will make more sense
The story seems interesting so far, though there are a few things you could improve on in your writing. The first and most important (at least in my opinion) is that you shouldn't have more than one character in a single paragraph, as it can get confusing trying to figure out who says what. Don't be afraid to split up sections of dialogue into smaller paragraphs to help make keep it a bit more organized. Another thing is that your description gets a bit repetitive and clunky in certain spots. That's something that a lot of writers tend to struggle with at first, myself included, but you should be able to improve your ability to make your descriptions more fluid and natural through simple practice. One piece of advice I can offer is to not give a full physical description of a character the moment they are introduced, but to try and sprinkle in details throughout a scene. This can be difficult to get the hang of at first, though. Something I like to do is try and focus on a specific character's viewpoint in my head, and add details that character would notice as they would notice them. That's just how I like to do it, though. Everyone has there own style when it comes to these kinds of things and you may find that you feel differently. The ideas that you've introduced so far do seem interesting and I'm intrigued to see where you go with this. It looks like you're building up a unique setting that I'm looking forward to learning more about. Keep up the good work!
You might be wondering why i'm posting early. I said screw it and changed it from Biweekly change to weekly change. This is because school is closed and I got so much more free time. Enjoy!~ Chapter 2 Chai tea. The smell of rain and wet soil filled Zaen with some sense of calmness after the talk with Ira. He stares at the ground. “Don’t forget her. . . . “ Zaen mutters to himself. The blow of the wind made Zaens semi damp hair twist around. He reaches down to his pocket and pulls out a shattered phone. The screen looked like it had been slammed into a hammer's wrath. He sighs as he places it back in his pocket knowing the screen was completely unresponsive. He looks at his left arm having a watch on it. 12: 36 P.M Zaen looks around to see if anything in the sky changed. The clouds had blown away and the leaves were blowing softly. The song of the birds played faintly deeper in the forest. The forest seemed to have no life besides the trees. The path seemed to go on forever. A slight crack of a branch could be heard as he walked along the path. Zaen feels a slight chill on his back. He turns around and sees nothing. He looks back at the path in front of him. Dead silent not even the birds were singing. “Somethings wrong . . .” He says while reaching down to his pocket and pulling out a switchblade. The soft sound of a leaf crunching is head behind Zaen. He swirls around the blade to point the tip at anything behind him. “Who’s there?” Zaen says with a little shake in his voice. A creature painted in black rises from behind the tree. It was long and had broken parts. Zaen keeps his blade pointed as the creature walks around him white glowing eyes watching. Two horns of a ram breaking apart off the creature. “What the hell are you?” Zaen says as the creature steps forward. Its long body seemed to almost reach Zaen from the tree it stood behind. “I am the creature of thou seeks the answer to heaven.” The creature speaks sounding almost unworldly. A slight echo to its voice. The sky turns dark and the wind kicks up as the trees sway back and forwarth. “If you wish for the truth come with me to the gates.” The creature says as a portal forms out of the wind. The wind starts to get stronger as a snap is heard as a branch falls down from the force of the wind. “You only have a certain amount of time until I either force you, or close the portal and leave you alone in this hell hole of a world.” The animal watches as Zaen is nearly frozen in place, the blade pointing forward. Zaen felt his breathing increase as the creature starts to walk forward its back legs stay put as its front comes closer “You have fifteen seconds. . . . Fourteen. . . . Thirteen” Zaen felt a huge rush of fear go over him. His grip on the switchblade gets tighter as he feels his legs and arms tense up “Eight . . . Seven . . . Six . . .” “I ain’t going through that damn portal.” Zaen says in an attempted stern voice that turned into a voice crack. The deer like creature stares at Zaen “I’m sorry?” The deer says its body seeming to get larger. The smell of Chai tea fills the air and the creature seems to shrink down. A cinnamon scent made the creature start to shrivel up. Zaen started to spin around wondering where the scent was coming from. He felt an endless black formed around him. He feels a sharp pain in his left arm. He feels his eyes force open and sees a person bending over him splashing cold water on his cut left arm. “Aȟ yoúŕe finally awake!” A person with a heavy accent says ¨I’m sorry . . .?” Zaen says. “I helpéd you. You almost díe.” The man says. Zaen rubs his eye and attempts to sit up using his left arm and feels a sharp pain and lies down immediately making a strong sizzle noise with his mouth . ¨The hell happened to me?” Zaen says looking at his left arm seeing blood splattered on it. “Ah Bránch fell oñ yá!” The man says laughing to himself. Zaen watches as the man pours cold water on Zaen’s arm. He jerks but attempts to remain still “Ya gonna bandage it or what?” Zaen says with a little bit of tone to his voice as it was stinging. “Óh Yés I wíll I wíll” The man says with a grin to his face. Zaens eyes adjusted seeing a dark skinned man. He looked to be in his sixties. “Ah ríght whén I say ábrácádábrá youĺl be allll bettah.” The man says as he grins showing missing teeth. “So, what’s your name?” Zaen says as he lays looking at birds fly by. “Sian Walters. Nice ta meet ya kiddo.” Sian says as he grabs gause and some bandage wrap out of a red box. “Zaen Yamari.” Looking at the sky the world seemed empty of blue like a sea of endless blue souls. “Cáre for some tea?” Sian says as he hands Zaen a mug of Chai tea. ¨I would love some if my arm didn’t feel like I just got mauled by a tree.” Zaen says with a bit of sarcasm. Sian laughs as he bandages Zaen up. Zaen sits up straight and looks at his arm. He thanks Sian and looks around the area. Sian wipes his hands on his yellow shirt and rubs his bald head. “So do you know where we are?” Zaen asks looking at the little camp Sian had set up. “Óh weŕe in the middle of nowhere!¨ Sian says as he chuckles to himself and hands Zaen a wooden mug containing some chai tea in it . Chai tea is a good tea for people who are trying to lose weight, it will lower blood sugar and it will aid in digestion. Zaen drinks his tea and when he finishes he bows to Sian “I wish we could’ve talked further but I must go onto the road and find my way home. Thank you for everything.” Zaen walks away from the camp as Sian waves. The sound of the world drifts Zaen to his own thoughts . “Who was that man, what was that camp, why did he say we’re in the middle of nowhere, what’s going on?” Zaen walks and walks till the sun starts to set. The world seemed to be an endless path along the forest. Zaen looks around and sees a light hang over the trees. He walks towards it and finds a little wooden town with an inn and a market “Well this is convenient . . .”
(I just noticed I forgot last weeks so I guess double post . . .) Chapter three Earl Gray Tea Zaen walks into the town . Looking at the dimly lit rooms, the wind blows softly as the sun vanishes into the mountains and moon rises. He finds the inn and walks into the door. The soft ting of the bell is heard as a woman says Welcome. Zaen walks to the inn desk. "Hello I'm here for a room for the night." Zaen says with a smile. The clerk looks at him. "Room 42 is our only available room will that be okay?" Zaen nods "Yes that will do nicely. I will be here for the night only how much do you charge?" "100 Gold nuggets a night." "Uhm. . . I got dollars . . . " Zaen takes out a wad of 1$ bills. "What are dollars?" The clerk says with a confused look on her face. "A really rare currency that only the rich and luxurious people have. One dollar is worth One thousand gold coins." Zaen says with a grin. The clerk stared at the many dollar bills in Zaens hand . "Well than. . . That's a lot of money.. . It's a deal!" The clerk says as Zaen takes out a dollar bill and places it on the counter as the Clerk gives him 900 gold along with a room key. He walks to the stairs and walks to his room. He unlocks the door and sees a room with dimly lit candles. He walks to the kitchen and finds a kettle and looks around to see if he can find any tea. He finds a couple packets in a plastic baggy. He lifts it and smells it "Earl gray . . . " Earl Gray tea is a good tea for going to sleep. It's a calming tea and can help people suffering from depression stress and anxiety. Zaen fills the kettle with water and places it on a wooden burn stove. The water starts to steam but not boil Zaen blows out the fire and pours the steaming water into a mug . He lets it steep for five minutes. Taking a sip he feels warm inside as he walks to a bed. He lays down and places the mug on the nightstand. He drifts off to sleep.
