Blog My Struggle, My Journey, and My Path to better myself.

This is something to help me keep track of my progress on a personal journey I'm making. This journey is more mental and emotional, but writing it down helps me to better focus on it as well as make sense of it and what I've learned. THis does not mean that I'm back, but it does mean that I might make some activity here. I'm posting this in hopes that one day it will help someone else to learn from both my mistakes and what I'm going through right now because, to me, this is all worthless if I can't pass it all down.

 

August 20 4:17 AM


This will be the start of a long journal. Why am I even writing this? So that maybe someone can learn something so that this can have meaning to someone other than myself.



I just need to change. I'm tired of living the life that I am. It just feels like nothing is ever enough, whether it be at work or in my personal life. I just feel like I'm stuck on the side of the river rather than floating down stream. I want to go places, to be a better person. The real question is how do I do that? I guess the best place would be to state what my problems are. There are so many to state so I'd better get started.



I'm tired of how I interact with people. I'm whiny, I complain too much, I say the wrong things way too much, I'm way too awkward, and I have a habit of making friendships that don't work out in the end. I get it, I'm socially awkward, but where does that begin with the Tourette syndrome and end with it being me? I get so hung up on not being good socially and I really want to be. I have to accept that I will never be one hundred percent on that, but that doesn't mean that I like it or make it any easier. I am socially a wreck. I have a hard time keeping secrets off line, I am a compulsive liar at times for no reason, I want to be me yet I try too hard to make other people happy, and I have a hard time seeing and staying in social boundaries. I always wonder if I'm really to blame. If I just use my TS as an excuse. I want to do and be better but it is hard to find my bearings with no compass. How am I supposed to learn if I don't know what I need to do? People just expect me to know and the truth is I don't. It frustrates me to no end and it always seems that my family are both the people who are the least tolerant and the people that I have the most problems with. I'll have to keep searching for answers and hope that I find something.



I want to change my relationships with people. There are some relationships I want to strengthen, others to cut, and some I'm not sure about. There is this one guy, We'll call him "Joe". Joe sought me out for friendship and really has no friends right now. He is older than me, used to work with me, and is actually a great guy from what I knew of him before. The problem is he has some issues. He is awkward like I am but to a greater extent. I can tell he has been burned before and has had a very hard life, but he keeps sending up what appear to be red flags to me. I want to be his friend, but something about him doesn't feel right. I don't think I'm in danger, I just think he'll cause me some major drama. I just don't want to leave him behind because I don't want to do to him what has been done to me. Another person, Alex, is the only friend I really kept up with from college. We talk on the phone every month or so but I wish there was some way that I could go visit him and hang out. The problem is he's clear across the state and I have no way to get to him. Hopefully we can arrange a video chat sometime. That brings me to the point that I have too many friendships that just died. They died because I didn't keep up with them. I never took the effort to keep them going so they fell apart. I feel bad but at the same time, the people on the other end never did anything either so the question is do I try and rebuild or move on. Then there are the relationships that blew up in my face. People who haunt me because there was so much promise until I finally saw them for who they really were. I don't like leaving people and I don't like conflict so it sucks that I had to let these people go. I know people tell me they weren't worth it to begin with, but I always wonder what I did wrong. Most of the time I was incompatible with the people on the other end, but other times, something just tore us apart. And that is why it hurts.



I have a hard time letting things go. Despite how I say I'm a forgiving person, I'm just like my mother and grandmother in the sense that I hold grudges. I don't know how to forgive or let go, just remember and harbor. I don't want to be bitter but, part of it is what I was taught and part of it is human nature. I need to think about the here and now. If the wrong is more than a month old it shouldn't be relevant under most circumstances. The problem is forgiving and letting go are not easy things to do. I used to be built that way, but I've been burned too many times. For me, forgiveness is not just a choice but a feeling. I need to feel that I forgive you to do so. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to make it my choice and just let it go.



I need to let go of my pain and hate. I have so much bottled up inside and it is poisoning me from the inside out. I don't have to forget what was done to me, but I need to forgive and let it go. I need to come to terms and find peace within myself or create it if I have to. My mind likes to force painful memories of "false steps" that I have made every day. It's time I learn to come to terms with that and move on. I don't need to beat myself up anymore, and I certainly don't have to loathe and criticize those mistakes anymore. What is done is done, I need to move on and look to the future.



I need to stop spreading myself so thin. I spread myself too thin between work, my family, my free time activities, and my friends. It's not that I need to prioritize, the problem is that I heap too much on my plate and don't manage the load properly. I need to set times and just do stuff when it's time I do it.



I want to be more active at lake valor. Yeah yeah, there are people much younger than I am there, so what. There is no shame in hanging out and having fun with people half my age. I may not be the best mentor, but I still have a few insights to offer. Besides, LV is a very welcoming and accepting community. I don't want to walk away from it, but I need this time to help me set some of this stuff straight. The bigger problem is that I'm finding less and less time to dedicate to it due to too much stuff on my plate. I could only do certain things on certain days, this would give me a set time to be there. My problem is I don't know how some people would feel about that. I value my friendships there and I would like to dedicate some time to it rather than the scattered amount that I do. And then there's the next problem, I hardly know anyone there. Yes, I talk and interact, but I don't know too many of them. I get too lost in all the names and sometimes it's hard to pin an identity to a persona or just plain say, "Hey I remember you cause we hang out all the time." I want to know more of the staff and members, but I admit I get nervous. Nothing new for me on that, but I don't want to offend anyone. I want to be more than just friendly and I want to be well known for being a good guy and a positive influence. I also wish I could contribute more to the site, particularly the conversations. Why don't I? Because more than three-fourths of the time, people are talking about something that I know nothing about. I don't want to be rude by intruding, and I don't want to disrupt the conversations by asking questions. I'm afraid that I'll come across and nosey, annoying, and a kill joy because nothing kills a conversation than someone popping in to ask way too many questions. Leaves me between a rock and a hard place because I want to contribute more, but I have nothing of value to put into it. I've thought about flat out leaving because I feel like the odd man out, but to be honest I can't and I don't want to. LV never gave up on me and I don't want to give up on it, it isn't over until it's over.



This just about covers the problems that I can think about for the moment. The question is what to do.



Well for the social stuff, working on my approach is key. I need to be more observant and open to the ideas of others. I need to step back and be a better listener. So instead of telling someone why something won't work, perhaps I need to ask them for their reasoning and ask if they want to hear my opinion. I need to stop being dominant in conversations. Sometimes, doing nothing does a whole lot of something. Taking a step back and watching people interact isn't a bad idea either. Watching how I say things would also help. How you say something, the tone and wording, is important because it can determine what responses you get. It's an important part of your approach in a social interaction and I need to stop ignoring it just to make a point. Sometimes, being right isn't even remotely important so I really need to stop chasing being right all of the time. How do I solve the relationships? Perhaps I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt. A wise woman once told me nothing ventured, nothing gained. While pain isn't what anyone wants, sometimes you need it to grow and become stronger. While Joe may be awkward, he deserves a chance just like anyone else. If it doesn't pan out I can at least say that I tried. I should also try to rebuild some of the old relationships. While many people have changed, so have I. Perhaps now that I am wiser and better than I used to be, I can have better relationships while building more social skills. In terms of letting go, I need to forgive and love myself. I have made some mistakes in my life, too many, but that doesn't mean that I need or deserve to suffer for it. We all wage war with our pasts, but I need to put a lot of it to bed so that I can move on and enjoy both the now and the future. Once I can love and forgive myself, I can move on to doing the same to others in my life. I will start by choosing to forgive rather than getting hooked on a feeling. Once I have done that, the pain and hate should fall away as well, it's time I stop poisoning everything I touch. I will learn how to manage tasks better. The big thing I need to do is start setting deadlines and goals. While I can't plan and schedule everything, I need to set general days to do certain tasks. It's not a bad idea to get a planner and start using it. As far as LV goes, I need to not be so chicken. I need to just start learning about stuff and jumping in. Yes, I might be a bit awkward at times, but I'm sure everyone will forgive me. LV is a pretty accepting place so I'm sure that people there want me around regardless.



Well, I'd better wrap this up. It's 5:14 AM and I go to bed in less than an hour to start my two weeks or so on overnights. I'll keep posting in this journal from time to time. I'm not back yet so don't be excited if you see me logged in. I'll rejoin once I get everything dealt with.

 

So, here I am again with another blog. I have no idea how long I'll keep this going but I do intend to make a few posts while I'm back.

For the most part, I've had my ups and downs. I've been to more stores than most of the employees I work with at my local Walmart so that is a good thing. Things have gotten much better over the past few months. Managers are finally listening to the employees, especially after the employee survey hit them like a wrecking ball. A member of maintenance had begrudgingly returned bringing the team back to four which has helped. My remaining problem on the team is slowly being reared in due to the mass amount of problems he has been causing and hopefully, the problem will end soon. On Friday, I took a management test and passed. What does this mean? I was able to put my hat in the ring for the open CAP 2 supervisor position and I'm going for it with all I've got! So far I'm proving to at least have a chance. Today I was by myself on maintenance and it actually wasn't all that bad. I guess setting my expectations low for the day kept me from hitting rock bottom. It hasn't been all buttercups and sunshine though. I found out that I have been spreading myself too thin in the wrong areas. Due to this, I'm getting back to my roots in maintenance and not volunteering for tasks nearly as much. The problem was that I volunteered too much because I was trying to step up when others won't. Two days ago it was brought to my attention that I need to focus more on my tasks so that my job doesn't suffer. So from now on, I'm only doing extra tasks when I'm specifically asked to and I'm writing it down in a notebook to show my supervisor at the end of the week. I additionally found out that my communication with others in my department was severely lacking. I'm going to remedy this by talking to my coworkers more, and if I can't talk to them I need to leave a detailed note. I also need to fall into line with my coworkers, not just do the tasks I want to do. I admit I got a good kick in my complacency this week and it was part of what I left here to fix. I have been too comfortable and not effectively working with others, I need to fix this in order to move up at work and in life.

However, work has had its losses as well. A well liked and respected member of my store died. She may not have treated people nicely at times, but she had a good heart and I miss working with her. In truth, I wasn't all that close to her, but I still felt somewhat of a kinship with her and she was a valuable source of guidance for me.

I've begun to try to patch things up with my mother over the past few days. In truth, I may never be able to do that however, I have decided to try. I am going to extend the olive branch and leave it out there for her. Why would I do that? In truth, it beats the heck out of me why I would even have the desire to. The truth is I despise her, but she is still my mother. I never wanted to hate her in the first place and I honestly wish she would change back into the person she appeared to be when I was a child. Why is it easy to start hating, but it is so difficult to stop? The truth is hate is a corruption, a poison that eats and destroys you from the inside out. I have been holding onto this hate for too long and I need to release it. I will start by choosing not to, it all starts with my choice after all.

I'm currently looking at maturing further instead of acting like a teenager IRL like I have been. I need to stop making so many crude jokes and stop cursing as much. At work, my filter is pretty good, but it just drops off once I go home. I need to stop doing things that are inappropriate. I need to stop and think about my actions before I make them. So far there has been some slow progress, but progress none the less. I'm also looking to change my outlook and way of thinking. I want to become more logical instead of acting so much on impulse. I've brought tighter control of my spending habits so that's not an issue. What I need to do is work more as a team with people. I want to be more of a leader. Being a leader doesn't necessarily mean taking charge, but it does mean working with others to find a better solution. I need to get better at thinking on my feet. Instead of saying "I can't" or "That won't work" I need to try things and see how they go or say "I don't know how to do this, do you think x would work?" or "X, do you have a suggestion on how to do X?" And build off of the ideas. Being a leader isn't about being right, but finding the best solution, sometimes with a lot of help and input from others on your team or around you. I am working on taking in new ideas, trying them, and taking input from others even if I don't personally like or agree with it. I am becoming more open slowly and surely. I refuse to act like an all seeing all knowing person anymore. I don't have all the answers, I never will, and I never wish to. Being on a team means that I need to work with others even if I don't like them. There is a manager at work that I don't like, well, I'm giving him another go because I'm beginning to think I'm the problem and not him. I need to be less high and mighty about myself and more into encouraging people for they do accomplish. I'm not going to ignore the mistakes, but I won't dump on them for it either. Instead, I will offer advice and encouragement. That is the kind of person I am working on being.

So, basically, I've been working on mental and emotional changes in myself over the past month or so. These are changes that I need to make and I needed to focus more on my life outside of here to make them. I do miss LV, but I feel that I won't be able to fully concentrate here or be as involved while I make these changes. It is a HUGE challenge for me, but so far it is going well for me. Most of it has been about implementing the changes rather than figuring them out. I am glad to be here for the next week, but I still have a ways to go.