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Star Wars Battle Front Feedback Report

Discussion in 'Literature Library' started by Thunder, Jan 4, 2016.

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  1. Thunder

    Thunder The Alolan Archer

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    So I recently wrote a new chapter for a new story, based off a Star Wars game, in a way. It's about war in the galaxy, a boy who has the power to stop and other stuff. I'd like some people to give me feedback on each chapter so that's the point of this thread really. Please just look below for each chapter's summary.


    ​Chapter 1
    The prologue talks about the on-going war between light and dark. It goes to Hoth where we meet the main character, Clark. Clark is running from Flametroopers, they are burning Hoth which is an icy planet. Clark manages to escape them by hiding in a crate, in which he finds a blue stone. Most flametroopers leave Hoth, except one, who finds Clark and tell him that he is a Resistance spy. He calls himself Damian and tells Clark about the war. Damian then takes Clark to help find survivors of the attack.
    All I want is your feedback and constructive criticism. Thank you. ​
     
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  2. EverchangingArcadia

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    I advise you work on your syntax and diction some more. It can get pretty boring reading "He ... " at the start of sentences placed together. The burglar mask is called a balaclava by the way.

    "He obeyed his father and when he was told to run he sprinted, he slipped over." It sounds redundant to put him obeying his father and him being told to run. Also the last addition did not make sense. You could have said that as he was running he slipped as a new sentence.

    The main character to me does not feel fleshed out enough. Clark clearly states that if the Resistance was causing trouble for his home he would rather not have it. A little altercation between him and the rebel spy would have made it interesting. Something like him questioning vehemently as to why he, note I said "he" and not "the Resistance", brought the First Order to his home.

    I'm going to assume that the other Flametrooper was also a member of the Resistance, otherwise it would make no sense for a soldier of the First Order to defy protocol. Him also saying at the end that he will escape with Clark after finding survivors would also contradict the earlier theory.

    "Children" near the end should be "Kid" or "Child", but to me "Kid" sounds better since it would add a bit of character to the rebel. Whatever you choose should be up to you.

    Clark to me appears somewhat gullible. He was just being chased and when told that the man was a member of the Resistance, he did not question it. At all actually. By the end, however, all of his doubts would have disappeared after hearing the name "Damian" since soldiers/clones are not designated an actual name.

    It is a bit confusing to read that Damian tells Clark that he has something in him, since the whole fate thing is something a rebel spy should not really know about. You can, however, use this to your advantage and say that Damian actually knows more than he is telling Clark. Since he has access to such vital information, it can make him seem like a very important character for later.

    If you want, you can add character thoughts to bring out the personality of characters. An example would be Clark contemplating to himself while inside the box. The dialogue also needs a bit tweaking as well. Adding personality though dialogue is one of the best ways to better flesh out a story without doing much. An example would be Damian saying "I gotta change out of this for my old clothes" instead of what he actually said.

    Overall, it could use work. The idea itself is nice and I would like to see more of it.
     
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  3. Thunder

    Thunder The Alolan Archer

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    I totally understand you about the character issue but remember not much can be said in a Chapter that's not even long enough to be a chapter. He will be more human-like, easy-going etc.
    Clark, well he's a child, he doesn't no better, of course he is gullible, someone says that they can save him, well I'm sure I would go to my only chance of safety.
    Again, we don't know much about Damian, he could be anything. He is one of the main characters but his whole backstory is not fully planned, he won't be a Jedi but he won't just be a rebel spy either.
    I also should've wrote it differently but children is supposed to be a bit where he would be shaking his head in a way. For instance, he was saying as if he doesn't understand which is the little bit of sarcasm I added in, or at least tried to.
    I do understand what you're trying to say though
     
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