Surprisingly enough I understand that I'm a huge disappointment to most people I interact with yet it's still deemed necessary to rub the fact in my face. Yes, I'm unsure about what I want to pursue in education and later life. Yes, I lack an understanding of how working life and being obsessed with money constantly works. Yes, I have a habit of slipping up occasionally and doing silly things unintentionally. Thank you for reminding me and embarrassing me over it again. Oh, you're angry at me for not smiling and laughing after you make jokes about me failing at life? Sorry let me get to that. My grandparents are insufferable but it doesn't stop there, I can see other peoples' disappointment clear as day without them having to bring it up. Okay so I tried to commit myself to something and failed yet again, but does it matter? Do you have to act dejected and ignore me because of it? I'm inconsistent and frequently apathetic especially with things I take charge over. I don't try to hide it, quite the opposite in fact. I overuse words like 'maybe' and 'suppose' to avoid the assumption that anything I approach or consider approaching will definitely reach fruition because I know it probably won't. I'm sorry if you got excited about something I tried and my inadequacy resulted in a dropped project. There's nothing stopping you from taking the idea for your own or suggesting it to someone else, just please don't act like I ruined your week. Being a disappointment isn't exactly fun and neither is being reminded of the fact.
I miss the old days. I really miss them - the days when I was loved so much (or at least could see the love), the days when no one judged me at school, the days when life just seemed so much brighter. Now, I just can't help but feel the world wishes I wasn't in it. With humiliating mistakes and being too different from everyone I know, I somehow find it in me to push through each day; to fight the pain. I miss it when the things that I do were regarded as appropriate for my age. Now people think I'm weird for loving Pokémon in the amount that I do.
Spoiler: Angry rant, feel free to ignore Some people just talk way too damn much, man. They do not know their limit. And the worst part is that they constantly talk about the exact same thing, nearly every single time. Fuck. It's so goddamn annoying to hear the exact same for so many consecutive days. Do you seriously not have anything else to talk about? Is your life truly that plain and repetitive? And when they actually do have something to say that's not the repetitive bullshit they spout out, it's near pointless and contributes to absolutely nothing, nothing whatsoever! Why can you not hold a decent conversation with someone about something actually interesting, something that not only you but everyone enjoys? Why is that so hard for some people? Of course, whatever they're talking about is probably interesting to them, so I can't blame them for that. I can also blame myself for getting annoyed easily at nearly everything, because that's just the way I am now for some unknown reason. But I also have reason when it comes to things like this, cuz I'm 99% sure that I'm not the only person who really doesn't care about what you're saying. But unlike me, they still act interested simply to be polite, or some of them may actually be genuinely interested. I just keep my mouth shut and don't say anything for as long as possible. If it's online, I can thankfully avert my eyes for as long as I need to. If it's in real life, that's a bit harder, which makes it a bit more annoying. Honestly though, I'm just glad I have the strength to shut up and not say anything, because I'm positive that I would have offended someone by now, easily. There are some people that are too sensitive and take everything personally too, which is fine I guess. I try to be as nice as possible to every I communicate with, but sometimes they just make it too hard for me to not get mad at them. One day, I probably will end up not being able to hold it in anymore, so may Yeezus himself have Lamborghini Mercy on the poor soul who's to inconveniently rustle my jimmies on that day. I needed that non-serious sentence in there to make things not 100% srs. People get on my nerves, man. I need a change of environment. I wanna go back to the life I had a year and a half ago. I need my old friends back. Fuck everything. I'm thankful for everything I currently have around me, but fuck everything.
Spoiler: Angry rant(A fair amount of swears) Fuck life. I don't want to sound over dramatic but screw it. Some people are just so fucking annoying, they think they can just ignore you like you're a piece of shit. It's been hard you know, going up in ages. 16 was supposed to be fun in my books but I fucking hate my life, I wish I was still ten years old. All I've got time for is unnecessary work. I've trapped up in my room doing fucking work all the time, my friends have pretty much forgotten about me and life is lonely! I'm practically all on my own, never get texts and never have anyone to talk to, it's freaking bullshit. You know what, I don't give a fuck, if you're rich or good-looking, I don't give a crap, if you're cool or popular, I fucking hate people who think they're superior to everyone, they're idiots and if they just want to cut me out so be it! They bug off, imbeciles. It's hard to be noticed too, I'm just a needle in a haystack, losing friends, hope, courage and all the other shit I need to make me a good person. I'm swearing my heart out right now because I feel so dejected and weak. All I want to say is that, fuck those ignorant, arrogant, fucking idiots who think they're better than me, better than you, better than everyone else. If you've still got courage, show them what for, flash a finger for god damn sake, tell them to fuck off! Oh god, that feels much better.
Spoiler Please don't waste your time reading this. I don't want to upset anyone but I just need to vent. Ever since I moved out things have been more peaceful for me... but I feel so vulnerable. As someone who grew up with people always around me and in my space, I never really thought about what its like to walk outside at night all alone. I used to run in the dark around my old neighborhood, but I'm too scared to do so around my apartment because I'm terrified of people. I rarely go to the gym, but I went yesterday because my feet were bothering me and I wanted to run on a treadmill. Just talking to the lady at the front desk area of the facility to pay the visitor fee sparked huge anxiety. I found the nearest treadmill and just put on my headphones and ran. Around 11 miles in the lady interrupted me during my run and told me to leave because I was a disturbance to everyone else. She told me I shouldn't be in the gym and that I should be in the hospital because and am making others uncomfortable with my appearance. I couldn't believe I was being kicked out. Where else was I supposed to run?! How am I supposed to keep up my training if I can't run! Running is one of my only few stress relievers and she is taking it away from me. It doesn't matter though, its better for everyone else if they don't witness how disgusting I am. I never really realized it before but I think the reason I prefer to be left alone is because I'm too afraid of getting close to someone and losing their trust. I've been hurt too much by those who were closest to me. There have been times where I never really felt like I had actual family. People who love you unconditionally, talk to you when you're lonely, or help you when you're in need. Its weird, but now that I'm on my own, everyone seems like a stranger to me. I hear some people mention things about a best friend they could tell anything to, but to be honest I've never had that kind of person in my life. Whenever I had problems I would just deal with them myself. If I couldn't solve them on my own I would just ignore it and tell myself I deserved it. I never really was close with my so called friends in school, and even if they contact me I push them away because I'm afraid of what they think of me. Its not like I'm worth their time. They are better off getting to know someone else. I would never want anyone to have to get involved with my issues so its better if I just kept to myself. As long as they see me as a normal girl just going through life, I wont be any burden to them and they can just forget about me for the better. A lot of trust issues I have extend from my own insecurities. I've dealt with body image issues from a very young age. I can't even look at a mirror anymore without being disgusted. I've had so much self hatred about myself for so long that I don't even know how to love myself other than staying alive. I've had to uphold unrealistic expectations and standards that I don't even feel human. Whenever someone would bully me, I'd ignore it. I felt like I deserve being treated less because I am worthless, imperfect, never enough. I grew up with the ideology that my self worth was defined by numbers. My grades, weight, time, age, scores, and results were all I had to keep improving on, otherwise I am a waste of space... a failed child. I always feel like its never enough. I'm never smart enough or I could have scored higher if I studied more or asked more questions. Maybe if I don't eat today I wont have to worry about gaining weight. Maybe if I ran faster, farther, and harder I could be a better runner than I was before. If I try my best, will it ever be enough?! No matter the result, even if its "perfect," I still have that deep guilt inside. I could go on and on about how much my mother has ruined me, but I know my resentment towards her will solve nothing. In fact, I have become so good at acting so perfect for her that I can fake through pretty much anything. I've had to pretend like nothing was or ever is wrong so long. My pain can be brushed off. People can treat me however they want, its not like I cared anyways. I am a worthless human being. I'm pathetic really. I try so hard to make others happy, give all my efforts towards serving, setting a positive example, yet deep inside I'm an absolute hypocrite. An Anorexic hag slowly wasting away. I've been sick for so long, I actually enjoy the thought of just becoming nothing. Alongside all the other grand goals I've set for myself, being as thin as possible is still one of them. I can go to however many hospitals and treatment programs and I will always just lose the weight all over again. I've always associated food as a privilege I don't deserve. I can just keep going and going without sustenance. Maybe someone will actually care if I just dropped dead? Probably not. I mean everyone just watched as I slowly killed myself before, its not like anything is going to be different this time around. What's the point of even going to school? Getting an education so that I can go into a career and get a job? Okay so even with a job and stable income, what then? Material things will never make up for the void inside me. I don't deserve it because I will never be good enough for anyone or myself. Even if I help people in the process with my work, what good would that really do? Wouldn't I just end up hurting those people I impacted anyways? I feel like such a burden on everyone I just want to disappear. I will never truly believe someone could love me because I will never truthfully love myself. I honestly don't know how long I can keep up this ridiculous act. I try to just keep pushing it away like it doesn't matter but its killing me inside. I feel dead to the world and my existence seems meaningless. Everything seems meaningless. I am just a mistake that never should have been fabricated. I'm sorry for being such a weak, fragile, and useless human being. I'll just keep trying harder to make sure that everything seems okay so no one will have to watch me fade away.
Spoiler I don't know where to start, but I am such a weak person. I can't get stronger, no matter how hard I try. People keep saying it's my fault and that I have to be stronger, that I have to ignore everything they say and be confident in myself. When in reality, I've been so used to a loving family that now, when I'm exposed to a harsh reality of life at school, how everyone just turns cold when they're 13 and say they're fun, I feel so left out. When I used to talk to people I don't know, I was so confident, and now, I think I'm starting to stutter. I'm too scared to mess anything up. Take now for example; I just told my sister to not watch me while I type this because I feel uncomfortable, and she got upset. My reaction? I slapped myself because I thought I deserved it. I honestly mess everything up. Even here on Lake Valor, I'm afraid to say things to people in fear of making myself look bad or making them feel the slightest bit bad. I'm 14 and I still cry. Is a person like me even going to survive the outside world? Or am I just a cripple and just tear away at the slightest touch? I can take no more, I honestly need to become stronger. But I can't. Please... if anyone is reading this, don't think I'm an awful person...
Ah... Man. I wish I could be emotionally stable, but it's hard. Basically, it takes a LOT for me to calm down, but I get anxiety/stress with ease. Cause people always trigger things within me, and then I start overthinking. And many, many people have this perception of me that I'm a person who can do anything, anywhere, anytime (ever since high school). But I'm not. I've usually been scared to try something new. But at the same time, I feel people look down on me. I feel sometimes people want to degrade me or talk to me as if I'm stupid and don't know what I'm doing. People like to play 20 questions with me, and I hate it. I just want to do what I love to do. I remember going out to a tournament back in March, and I was in trouble for getting back home at 11 PM; my mom for some reason thought I'd be back at 6 or 7 (when I even told her the day before, I'd finish at 9). Funny thing, she went to a wedding that day and I told her "if I'm gonna go out I'll go out what I went for". And then she brings up "I'm afraid you won't know how to take the bus back home" (what it translated to)... Like what? Am I gonna forget how to take the bus in the middle of the night? No. And I was even calling her at 6-7 PM to try and update her, she didn't pick up. My friend was driving me home anyway (and she knows him pretty well). And the funny thing is she tends to get mad at me for playing games at home, so when I want to go out and enjoy what I do best, I also get in trouble. How is it supposed to encourage being active, going out, having a good time and making friends if I get in trouble for "going out too often and coming back late"? My mom will use ANYTHING as an excuse for me to not go out lol. ISIS bombings (which btw I have no idea how that's related to me going out) was a reason she didn't want me heading out to a weekly tourney (I still went anyway and she didn't even answer how that was related lol). But you know what? If you really think about it, there's a risk in everything you do. If you walk you can trip. If you eat, you can choke on something. If you breathe, you can inhale something deadly. But does it stop us from doing so? Nope. And hell, I've even told her things like "I don't want to drive cause I'm horrible with geography and afraid I'll crash cause I'm also bad with motions/angles", but she's like "but you have to learn to do it, it's nothing to be afraid of", and I feel the same way with her letting me out more often; I feel going out, igniting my passion and being with friends is also quite important.
Spoiler Please Lugia, do not read. I know you want to, but if you do, you'll get really angry at me. Spoiler I do not know what happened, but often now I feel like a useless thing in the world that has no use. It's very silly, I know, I shouldn't be thinking like that. I feel that my dreams are impossible to reach. My sister is so much better than me. She always gets the best and better grades, she is very smart! I, however, have been faltering over the years. No matter how hard I try, how hard I study, I never get the marks I want, making my dad unhappy. And then I feel so terrible about myself - I hate myself. Also, she can play on the piano so well, especially the piano song I wished to learn earlier than any one! But for me, I get all the notes wrong, no matter how many times I practice, seeing her play the best makes me try even less, thinking "What's the point of my talents if they're not going to be of much use?" And my biggest passion of all: Art. My sister and I were are so amazing, being hailed as the best artists ever. Now I don't know what happened, she can draw better than all the artists in the world combines (Sorry Leonardo)! She is the best of the best! But me, I am nothing more than nothing, at least what I think. Now I can't even draw my favourite characters. What happened to me? I know my existence is not useless. I know there is a point for me to be here, but I can't feel that I'm special - I'm not. Everybody in the world is special, but ne. I hope this is a temporary feeling, but it doesn't seem to go away. Everyone around me keeps on saying really good things about themselves, but I can't find one thing that is good about me. I've been crying while writing this.
general venti hate it how people, obnoxious people, people full of themselves and think they can do nothing wrongcan be so hell annoying and ruin things for other peoplei hate it how people judge you and bitch at you and act like they know all about you whilst they have only met you a few days agoi hate it how THEM people always SOMEHOW got more ''friends'' than more ACTUALL friendly people just because people are afraid of them why are people in general so afraid to stand up for themselves sometimes? just because he or she has got a higher position than you does not mean you should be a pushoverit shouldn't mean you cannot state your own honest opinion without getting bitched at for it
Eugh, I feel like shit without my medications. It was my own fault for forgetting to refill my prescriptions but I wish people would be more understanding of it? I warned people my mood may be a bit bleh and lost like 2 friends just from that, they just abandoned me. I sure hope I can get them soon when I see my doctor again, because this constant anxiety and headaches is enough. That aside I feel like people in my life expect me to be a certain way anyway? And if I deviate from their expectations then they'll begin to abhor me. I can't be happy all the time, but they feel like I should be and it's ridiculous.
Don't mind me getting angry at school for a bit =w='' Spoiler Okay so let me just start with the fact that my classes are too damn busy to properly focus in. Now, I don't mean people walk around and talk all the time, I mean that people whisper a lot or throw stuff through the class or tap their pens against the table and I literally cannot block it out. Besides that I'm really damn depressed, so I don't have the energy to do anything in the first place so they should be happy I still go there in the first place because if it were up to me I'd be home all day. Now, they gave me a solution. I can sit in this place called 'Trajectvoorziening' (TV) and either do my work or calm down there. Great solution, especially since I sometimes just really don't have the energy to do anything and sitting in class like that would get me in tons of trouble. So, it went okay for a while, I try to go to at least 2-3 classes a day so I don't fall behind too much, I'm perfectly capable of keeping up with the work at home and the hours I do sit at TV I try to just read something or draw, or just sit there not really doing anything because I legitimately just.. can't. And now they've told me, 'you're here too often and you need to go to class more so you'll only be allowed to come here a few hours a week.' Okay but.. How many hours? I've never been fucking told. That kinda stresses me out a lot because when and how and what the fuck is happening here I'm so confused? now, I've kind of gotten over that one and decided I should ask (which took me a good week of stressing before I even got to that conclusion) and now I'm being told that as long as I'm there I have to do my schoolwork and I can't just do whatever I want because isn't that just easy. I'm sorry? I'm fucking sorry? How many goddamn times have I said that if I could go to class, I would. How many goddamn times do I have to sit there crying until you finally fucking understand that I literally cannot focus in an environment where I can hear a clock ticking and you typing and people outside talking and you flicking through papers and mechanical whirring from these old-ass computers. How many goddamn times do you have to be reminded that I am literally being stressed to the point of getting sick when I'm forced to do schoolwork in a place I've been told I can use to relax. What the actual fuck. I can understand that you want me to go to school, I can understand that you want me to go to class as much as I can but I cannot understand that you're legitimately turning my only relatively safe place in the entire school into just another goddamn room where I'm forced to do work beyond my capabilities, to the point where I will break down crying and get sick from stress. Thanks, the effort is much appreciated.
ugh. Ugh. Spoiler I hate having severe depression. I feel like I'm never doing enough for anyone around me simply because my mind seems to 'shut down' and I can't find the words to say. Depression is like that friend whispering paranoia-inducing things over your shoulder discouraging you from doing anything you truly wish to. I hate it. It sucks. It sucks so much. I wish there was a way to make sure it goes away and never comes back. ;;
Spoiler: Been meaning to vent for a while now... I'm so sick of being the bloody idiot that everyone laughs at and makes fun of, I'm so sick of being the one that always fucks up everything, I'm sick of being blamed, I'm sick of being verbally attacked and humiliated and I'm sick of being myself. I hate my life now, more than ever. There's been times when I feel like opening my bedroom window. I never do thugh because I always think things will get better but no. Now my brother is studying(or at least my parents think he is)they treat him like a fucking god. "Thunder, go get him food! Thunder, go get him a drink!", it's complete crap. I'm not a slave! I wrote a poem, I said that I wish someone understood me. I thought LV is the one place I was, more or less. Then, earlier, I felt like an idiot yet again, for suggesting something stupid, wording my sentences wrong and just getting completely countered, yet again, I know the other person is right but it's just so hard to face the truth, I know that I'm a fucking idiot, I know that I'm worthless in real life but now, I'm getting closer and closer to feeling worthless everywhere. I always try to be nice, put on a smile but I can't hide it. I hate my life and I just wish someone could help me. I just hate being ??? the stupidest boy that will ever live, I just can't take any more of the shit life throws at me. For fuck's sake, it shouldn't be this hard at sixteen, I know I'm almost a blimmin' adult but, this isn't life, being left out isn't life. My life is just... lifeless, I almost feel nothing. I take punches but I won't throw them back, I'll take insults but I won't spit them back at someone. I feel like I have only two emotions left, sadness and anger but the anger never comes out as violence, it comes out in tears...
Putting it in a spoiler because hey, that 1 extra click makes it so much harder to read, right? Spoiler Man. Fuck people. It seems like the more I try to like some people, the more I start to dislike them. And it really seems like the people I like are starting to annoying me more and more as the days go by, either purposely or without even trying. It's getting pretty fucking annoying at this point, because I'm pretty easy to annoy. But I know that if I get annoyed, I'll calm down about it later. But the best part of this all is when I'm just barely calmed down from getting annoyed and try to interact with people again, you know what their first instinct is? "Hey, let's annoy Sanc because fuck him!". At least that's what it feels like. Of course, it's not always on purpose. Some will do it without even knowing. But the times it is on purpose annoy me even more. Like, fuck you man, I just wanna try to have a good time and get along with everyone. But I guess that's too much to ask for. But then again, it's not entirely their fault. The ones who don't do it on purpose/do it without knowing, that is. That part is my fault, but I honestly can't help it. There are some things I just can't stand. The simple sight of them will make me cringe or make my skin itch. I can't help that, and I will not change myself or my mindset on these matters. That's just how I am. Irrelevant but also a little bit relevant to the previous topic, I've come to realize a few things about myself. One of them being that I'm the biggest hypocrite I know, and I probably always will be, which kinda bothers me. I give people advice, I tell them how they should or shouldn't act, I judge others for doing certain things or being certain ways, and yet, about 80% of the things I "preach", I don't practice. I amaze myself at how I can be such a hypocrite and still think and feel like it's okay to continue to tell people how to live their lives and to not do things while I do the opposite. I almost never follow my own advice, and half the time, my brain doesn't seem to allow it either. I try to not be judgemental of certain things, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop mentally judging people. My brain is constantly judging others and sometimes even insulting them for the way they are or their actions. I try to stop myself, but it's almost impossible for me to not do it. It's a second nature to me, and I wish it wasn't. Expanding on that subject, one of the other things I've come to realize is how my thoughts are so fucked up sometimes. Some of them have no logic whatsoever, some of them have no reason behind it, and some are just fucking absurd and vile. I like to think of myself as a good person on the outside, but on the inside I don't even know how to describe it. Here's an example. Before continuing, I'd just like to state that I actually love most, if not all, of my friends, and I'd hate to lose the majority of them. If I'm to be frank, I'd say that there are a select few I'd be able to live without, but there are a select amount of them that I'd hate to lose and I sincerely don't know what I'd do or how I'd feel if I were to lose them in any way/shape/form. This happened a while ago, but this is something I think about from time to time for some reason. I'm sitting in my house, relaxing, doing my usual things. Nothing special about this day. Then out of nowhere, a thought comes to mind. "Ya know, if I really wanted to, I could make pretty much any of my friends cry". Like, what the fuck?! What part of that is even remotely normal to think? Please note that when I say that, I mean that I've realized I know so much about each of my friends. I know how to hit their weak spots, I know how to mentally and emotionally destroy them. I know enough to the point where if I needed to, I could use any information about them to hurt them dearly and most likely make them wish they never spoke to me in the first place. I could kill an entire friendship for absolutely no reason, at any point, if I wanted to. The bad thing is that I've almost actually wanted to do it in a situation before. I didn't care if I ruined a decent friendship, I just cared about making someone else feel bad. I realize that there is something wrong with me, and I wish I knew what. I need a therapist or something. I really wish I had one, because maybe then I'd have someone to talk to about all of the fucked up shit that goes on in my head. Unfortunately, none of my friends really care enough, if at all. Some say they do, but their actions and attitude feel more like pity than empathy. There has almost never been a goddamn moment where someone's told me "you can talk to me about anything, I worry/care about you" and it's felt sincere. It all seems fake, or it feels like they're just saying that because they feel obligated to, because they're my friend. It really fucking sucks not having someone to talk to about these things. All these messed up thoughts and depressing emotions bottled up inside of me and not a single damn person who truthfully cares enough about me to talk about it. Fuck, man. It's unfair and just fucking sucks. I know life is unfair, but it's just so bothersome to not have someone you can have a deep conversation with, someone who'll listen and actually fucking care. But what sucks the most is that it hasn't always been this way. I have had friends that I could talk to anything about in the past, or close to anything, Some things I have and will probably almost always keep to myself. I haven't lost contact with these people, but I haven't talked to them in a while, and when I do, it's very briefly. I really miss them all, and I wish I appreciated their presence more when they were still here and talking to me. But, you know what they say. "You don't really know what you have until it's gone". I know they're all doing well though, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'd say they're doing better now than when I was in their lives. Sigh. That's a pretty depressive thought, and I wish it weren't true. But from the looks of it, it really seems that way. Sometimes I feel like I hold people back from their true potentials, and I don't even try or mean to. If luck was a thing, I'd consider myself to be bad luck. But what sucks is that I dislike it that some of them are doing better off without me. Why aren't they doing worse? Or even the same? Why are they are their best when I'm not around? I don't get it. I should be happy for them, right? So why aren't I? I don't really understand myself, and I know I never fully will, but I can somewhat explain why I dislike it and why it bothers me. I've given this a good amount of thought, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm a sadist. Not a complete sadist, but at least partially. And no, I don't mean in a sexual sense. Again, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel somewhat satisfied when something bad happens to someone. Of course, I don't mean always. There are times where I empathize and feel for them because I've possibly been in their shoes sometime in the past. But there are also times where something negative will happen to someone and I'll think "lol good" or "serves them right". I don't know why, but again, my brain is pretty fucked up. It just happens, unfortunately. I, of course, wish it weren't like this, and I wish I could be a better person about these things, but I'm really not sure if this is a phase or if this is just how I am and will be for the rest of my life. But back to the original point of this paragraph. I'd say this reason is valid and I can't see why it wouldn't be, but seeing and realizes that my old friends are doing better without me in their lives just... hurts. I don't get it. As far as I can remember, there hasn't been a single person that's been doing worse ever since I stopped talking to them. There may have been 1 or 2, but I can't think of any significant ones. It makes me question if our friendship was a bad thing, which I really hope they weren't. I don't intentionally fuck up friendships. Contrary to my fucked up mind, I actually tend to do the most possible to start and maintain a good level of friendship with anyone I befriend. I never do anything bad on purpose, because I value friendship more than most things in life. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for a few certain people, and I really can't thank them enough for what they've done for me, even if they don't realize it or don't bother thinking twice again. I do appreciate the things people do for me, and I try to do the same in the majority of my friendships. I like seeing people happy, I like helping them out even if I never get anything in return. Doing things for people is one of the things I love doing the most. But nowadays, I'm starting to realize that all the effort I've put in to certain things hasn't paid off, and probably never will. There are some people who truly appreciate what I've done and have promised to repay me in the future, and I'm glad my efforts and sacrifices have been recognized at least a little bit. But then I think about all I've done in the past and think about where I currently am and realize how far I've come, which isn't very far. At least not anywhere close to where I feel like I should be. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what to say, think, or do. I'm so lost right now. So many why's and what if's, so many thoughts in my head, so many emotions just sitting there. I don't know what to do.
Normally I'd place this in a spoiler, but I've gotten a new normal recently. I honestly just want to sit around and cry in bed for a while. After feeling like I'm over and grown past everything that happened with my ex girlfriend, something always comes to bite me in the ass and say "haha no." I've gotten to thinking that there's something wrong with me at this point. Every person I've been with has decided that I'm either not worth some struggle or I'm not quite what they're looking for. Sure, all is fair in love and war... Though I'm starting to wonder what my real "fairness" is.
Spoiler People are leaving me behind. At first, I could easily catch up and talk about anything, I'd like to say one of my best assets is the ability to mold to a lot of people, but I can't catch up, people are growing up, moving away, becoming more distant and I'm left with this common feeling of bitterness which I hate. I've put myself down my whole life because it's the only way I learn but not it's biting me in the back, because I've been correcting myself by habit and I can't focus on growing, no matter how I deprive myself. I can't keep up.
I can't stand being called cruel. I do what I have to do sometimes. That doesn't mean I enjoy it. Hey, someone has to be willing to get their hands dirty. If nobody else is willing to do what must be done, then I do it simply out of necessity. I take no joy in it. There's nothing cruel about that. It's not like I'm going around doing what I can to make lives miserable. In fact, I'm doing the opposite. It's really a shame nobody seems capable of looking at the long-term good I'm doing. Still, not like any amount of complaining will stop me. They'll thank me later. Or they won't, and it won't matter a bit to me anyway. I'm not in it for their approval. It would simply be nice to make less enemies.
Eh heh... this is in spoilers because this isn't expected coming from me... Spoiler Uhh... I feel so miserable every day. I have so many inner complications yet absolutely nobody to talk to. I can't let my feelings out because those who love me the most will hate me or become angry at me. And I feel as if I am being watched all the time, so here is a convenient place to put it. I do not know where to start. First of all, I dislike myself, and I dislike my life. I mean, what is the point of me, a useless creature in this world that hates me so much? Why must I be exposed to cruel people who act as if they hate me? I make so many terrible mistakes, and most of all, what's the point of saying my problems if everybody else is suffering more than the silly me? See how terrible of a person I am? I am bad in everything I do. I can't even draw anymore (can I?) Oh golly, my amazing and better-than-I-am sister just checked to see what I was doing and I hid it. See what I meant when I have nowhere to hide my feelings when I don't want anybody to know? I'm being watched 24/7. Sometimes, I look at the knife and think about it slicing my neck and terminating my life. Umm... that didn't feel right to say ... Everyday, I have a thought of how wonderful it would be if I no longer lived in this world that hates me so much, but... luckily, it is against my belief to kill myself, and no way would I ever force that weapon near my neck! Oh well. Apart from the fact that I am the biggest shame in the universe, I just will continue to make the world a better place for everybody, especially animals. Ugh... That still didn't get the weight off my chest.
I am going through loads of things right now. I found the right place to give my feelings here so i am saying. Everyone has friends right? Then why in the world it happens to me. I have good friends. Then a year passed and they seem to be changed. They behave with me like i am a piece of trash. I sometimes wish that how good it be if they were not in my life. And most annoying thing happened just a week ago, they insulted me for no reason in front of whole class. Now, most of the people in class dont talk to me. It feels like i am useless or i am just something they dont want. Because of these things i understood the value of good friends more but every time i think of them, i feel like" you cant do anything. You are useless idiot". My inner voice always tells me that. Now i dont have any friends except one girl who always trusted in me. I am happy that she is with me but now....i became in class like a joker. I gave up talking to anyone and i do feel like a loner. My life is so complicated. Why? I dont know. I wish these wounds heal soon and i dont feel like that.
I feel like the world wants me to fail. Building up to that point is easy enough. Coming back from it is so much harder and requires so much of my all to give. I am worth it I feel. Just my lack of self confidence destroys me half the time. My thinking is full of fail and my lack of friends, though tolerable for me, would look awkward to some. I care what others think of me too much and it is starting to wear me out. How do I overcome the impossible and start to believe again. Gosh darn it!
