I love bananas, and I want everyone to know! Why do I love them? How about because they... are easy to eat with unclean hands! Bananas are always clean and safe to eat! Their thick peel keeps the good inside bits totally safe to eat, unlike an apple that can be scratched open just by dropping it on pavement. I could pick a banana off the ground with a dirt-covered hand and eat it just fine without consuming any nastiness! are easy to eat without tools! Yes, other fruits have peels that are meant to be discarded, but none are as easy to remove as the banana. Orange? Get a knife. Kiwifruit? Get a spoon. Watermelon? Get a katana. Pineapples? Get something? Banana? Use your fingers! Just pinch and pull at the bottom end and it comes right off in one piece. Get those oranges out of here! are okay to store at room temp and un-sheltered! Bananas are so friendly for storage. Just put them on the table! No need to refrigerate, no need to keep in a humid little strawberry box, none of that. Put it in your backpack, your jacket pocket, your hair, it doesn't matter! Bananas are friendly and hardy and want to go where you go! fit perfectly into the hand! What shape is the hand and fingers? Look at it! That hand is good for two things and two things only: making a fist and holding a banana. I use this as support both for inteligent design and for evolution. are genetically modified organisms! Like pretty much every plant and animal we eat and/or make friends with, we made bananas what they are, and for this I still have hope in humanity. Wild bananas have big nasty seeds all up in their business, and are nearly inedible. Today's cultivated bananas have tiny useless seeds that don't get in the way of eating, but do get in the way of reproduction. are all clones! Bananas are all clones of each other! I had a banana with breakfast today, and if you had one too, then we consumed bananas that have exactly the same DNA in them! They're infertile because of those tiny seeds and instead reproduce with human assistance. Farmers need to cut off part of the root, implant that into the ground elsewhere, grow a new organism, so they never actually do the pollination-hubbahubba stuff. live on beyond extinction through artificial flavoring by science! Have you ever noticed that artificial banana flavoring tastes nothing like bananas? That's because it's not a replication of the current common Cavendish banana, but of the now-extinct Big Mike banana. Yes, Big Mike lives on with us by the power of science! (Request: If I ever die, please make a replication of me scientifically, I would be so honored.) become sacred banana bread! When they get old, they're not done living! When those bananas get old, they turn into prime candidates for the best bread ever, banana bread. Yeah, love and acceptance good mental health are all great, but you know what's better? Banana bread. make butt wiping less time consuming! If there's one bad thing about bananas, it's that they make your poop hard. Except I consider that a good thing. I for one hate wiping my butt, and having a banana in the morning means that I'll be clean after one wipe, no need wasting half a roll of TP trying to get clean. I am One-Wipe-Man! taste good with other foods! Bananas are friendly with other foods! Mixed with strawberry for milkshakes? Topped with peanut butter for a pre-workout snack? And no ice cream sundae is complete without a split banana, which on that note also plays nice with chocolate! Cut it into coins over your cereal if you're feeling courageous, I won't judge you! tell how exactly ripe they are! Looking at you, avocados. Don't know if they're ripe until you cut it open, and by then it's too late to let it ripen further. So rude. Bananas tell you exactly how ripe they are. Green tips? All yellow? Brown spots? Mostly brown? Pick your favorite and know exactly when it's ready every time! have a name that is synonymous with fun! Yo, this whole list is bananas. And so is the word itself. If The Minions got two things right, it was knowing that banana is a fun word to say, and dodging working for Hitler. I'm sure we both know which is more important of those two. are useful in classic comedy! From Charlie Chaplin to Mario Kart, the banana is the best fruit for comedy. Oranges aren't funny, what are you going to do, chuck them at someone's face? And doctors are afraid of apples? No sir, you can rob a bank but accidentally bring along a banana instead of your grandpappy's Union Army service revolver, or for less personal danger just hold onto that peel, drop it in front of your mark, and hilarity ensues. If you tell me that you won't laugh at someone slipping on a banana peel and not getting (grievously) injured, then I will tell you that you are a liar. have a shape that will never roll off of a table! Excuse me, Miss Orange, I need to go get a knife to peel you. Just hang tight on this table and don't roll off OH FOR THE--! Thank you banana, for having a non-rolling shape that is patient for me. don't get juice all over your chin! Hate that chin juice. Apricots, peaches, watermelon, strawberry, all those disrespectful fruits getting sticky juice all over your chin. You know who's not excessively juicy? Bananas. Thank you, bananas, for not making me have to stick the lower half of my face into the bathroom sink every time I eat you or your clones. are fun to eat! Look at all these beautiful people, having fun at the beach, eating their bananas and having a photo-shoot. Hey everyone, can I join? I have is this raw potato. We'll take a few photos of me biting into it all pretty-like. Trust me, it will work! are radioactive as hecc! Bananas are radioactive, every last one of them. They have a consistent amount of Potassium-40 which is useful as a point of comparison to other forms of radiation intake. Now you know that eating just one banana irradiates you as much as living 50 miles from a nuclear power plant for one whole entire year of exposure! Have fun gaining superpowers very slowly, everyone!